Betrayal's Sting
by candi711
Summary: It was never meant to happen, especially not by one of their own. The squad was left shattered; the breach of trust was unforgivable. No one thought that one, regretful, night would be the trigger to push one of their own to the brink of self-destruction.
1. Reckless

**A/N: This is a story idea I've had for more than a year. I have been putting it off because I am not sure if I can pull off the fast-paced downward spiral one of the characters will go through; but I am trying it regardless :) I hope you guys like it.**

It was a hot and humid summer night, and SVU, along with many other officers, were slowly moving their way through Central Park. They had been on the heels of a serial rapist for the last two months, the perp taking another girl every two weeks and holding her in a hidden place in the park. While in his custody, the rapist would violently sexually assault his victims, and after three days he would blind them with bleach and leave them to be found in various parks around the city.

Thanks to forensic science, they were able to narrow the place the rapist held the women to Central Park, but their real break came from the last girl who was able to escape before she was blinded. Now, the dedicated officers of the NYPD were closing in on their suspect's hideout.

Olivia cast a glance at Fin as she stepped over a fallen branch. They had split up into teams of two to encircle the area they knew their suspect was hiding. Their flashlights seemed to do little in penetrating the deep blackness of the trees around them.

"This son of a bitch better not slip through," Fin said as he held tight onto his service weapon. This particular rapist had gotten under all of their skins, his violent and crude methods of torture almost reminiscent of William Lewis. Fin could see the trouble his longtime friend and boss had in reviewing the rape kits and statements of their victims. He may not be known as a very emotional man, but Fin was nothing but protective and loyal to his fellow SVU officers. He had vowed early on in this case to minimize the trauma the others would face.

"He won't, Fin, we have him surrounded. It's just a matter of time before we take him in" Olivia answered back as she stopped to look at the older man next to her. She knew that he recognized the fact this case had her on edge, and she appreciated him looking out for her because that gave her an easier time at watching over her whole squad's back. After losing Dodds Jr, Olivia would be lying is she said she wasn't being more cautious with her people, always having them check in and wear their vest even in the tamest of situations. That reminded her "Rollins, Carisi. Update your status" the SVU Lieutenant said over her radio. It had been more than ten minutes since they had spoken to the two younger detectives.

"We're still here Lieu" Carisi answered back in less than a few seconds. "We think we..." he was cut off as Amanda shushed him.

"Carisi, did you see that?" Amanda could be heard over the radio asking her partner "I think it's him"

"Give us your exact position" Olivia ordered as she and Fin took off running in the general direction they knew the two younger detectives to be in. They didn't hear a response and again Olivia ordered them to answer her.

Carisi once again spoke over the radio giving them their exact position, he was speaking in hushed tones and Olivia knew that they were still moving. "Stay where you guys are, we're on our way" she ordered. Olivia didn't want them to take any unnecessary risks without her there.

Carisi was about to state his affirmation but instead, he yelled into the radio "Amanda, don't" the radio went silent causing the two senior officers worry as they picked up their already rushed speed. They were continuing forward when a loud gunshot rang through the air. The duo stopped only momentarily, before continuing further and screaming out their colleague's names.

"We're over here!" Amanda yelled. As Olivia and Fin came into view, they saw Carisi handcuffing their rapist with Amanda panting heavily while she leaned back onto a tree. The blonde detective's hair was pulled out from her earlier ponytail and leaves and twigs were sticking from all ends. It was obvious that she had wrestled on the floor with their perp.

"What happened?" Olivia demanded as she stopped next to Amanda, Fin continued forward to help Carisi subdue the injured perp. He had a bullet wound in his right shoulder but he was still putting up a huge fight.

"Just as you were talking on the radio he made us" Amanda explained as she pulled herself from the tree feeling the need to stand up and appear less exhausted than she currently felt "I went after him, we tussled a bit on the ground and we got him" she finished explaining as if that was everything they needed to know.

"Why did he get shot?" Fin asked as he and Carisi held the guy, other cops were starting to appear and they handed their suspect to them so he could be taken to the hospital to treat his wound.

"I did that" Carisi stated once his hands were free of the criminal "he had Rollins pinned on the ground, he was about to cleave her with a knife he had on him so I took action, it was a clean hit, and Rollins is okay"

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked her youngest, and most reckless, detective with a concerned, but still stern, face.

"Yeah, I'm fine, no big deal," Amanda said flippantly. She wasn't hurt during their struggle but she knew that still didn't mean her Lieutenant wasn't going to be mad at her.

"Actually, Amanda, it is," Olivia said frustrated "I ordered you guys to wait for backup but you disregarded me anyway, you risked both of your lives because you couldn't follow my simple instructions"

"If I would have waited, he would have been gone" Amanda fired back. She did her job, a very bad man wouldn't be hurting another woman ever again, and she wasn't going to apologize for that.

"We had him surrounded, if you would have lost sight of him, we would have grabbed him again" Olivia chastised Amanda, not in the mood for her insubordination.

"Benson, we were the farthest pair in this section, if he had gotten past me he would have slipped through completely. That man was escalating with his victims, I wasn't going to let him ruin another woman's life, or end it completely, because I was afraid to do my job" Amanda argued back

"Your job is to follow my orders" Olivia responded instantly "something that you have a problem doing, but you better learn fast or else there will be harsh consequences. In fact, right now, I'm restricting you to desk duty for the next week" Amanda was about to say something but was cut off by the elder woman "and if you give me any lip about it I'm going to make it three" Amanda begrudgingly backed down. "I'm not doing this to be mean, Rollins, but we're a team and we've got to be able to trust everyone to do their job but at the same time be smart about it. We have to have each other's backs and it's hard to do that when you seem incapable of even taking care of yourself" Olivia continued in anger. She knew that her temper was getting out of hand, but she didn't think she was wrong. She decided to take a deep breath and stop the conversation there. Olivia turned on her heels and made her way back to the station so she could hurry home to her son.

Amanda just stood in her spot as she watched her commanding officer walk away after putting her down. The words Olivia spoke struck her to the core. If anything, Amanda had been taking care of herself long before she ever became an adult, much earlier than a child should have. "You okay boo?" Fin asked as he stepped next to his partner. He knew where Olivia was coming from, he was worried about Amanda's actions as well, but he also knew that his partner, even if she didn't show it, always took what Olivia said to heart.

"I'm fine Fin," Amanda said as she waved him off. She didn't want to talk about it or anything for that matter, she just needed to be home so she could handle her emotions her own way. "I'm going home, my sitter needs to be somewhere tonight," Amanda said as she began to walk off by herself "see you guys tomorrow"

Fin and Carisi said goodbye back as Amanda's form retreated into the dark woods around them. "So, I guess the ladies left us to handle everything here then?" Carisi said as he turned to Fin

"Typical" the elder man grumbled as he turned to get to work, not wanting to spend the night before his birthday stuck in the woods.

 **A/N: A short introductory chapter I know, but things will be picking up fast in the next two chapters, so be patient please :) thanks for reading.**


	2. Letting Loose

It wasn't easy for Amanda to walk into the squad room the next day, but one would never have expected that to be the case by the way she carried herself. The blonde detective was far too proud to let others even glimpse the insecurities that constantly swam around her head. "Hey Rollins" Carisi smiled as she passed his desk. If there was one thing anyone in the precinct could count on, it was for Carisi to be cheery and have fresh baked goods on his desk every morning. This time, the treats were only simple donuts "want one?" the other detective asked as he held up the box.

Amanda simply shook her head and sat down at her desk, her mood only soured more as she noticed the freshly stacked piles of forms and paperwork she would be spending her day completing. Desk duty was the worse. "You know, you left me and Fin to handle everything last night" Carisi stated non-pulsed as he leaned back into his chair and swiveled it a little while he bit onto a powdered donut, some of the sugar landing on his shirt. He quickly tried to wipe it away with his hand before anyone else noticed.

"I knew you guys could handle it, and besides my sitter really did need to leave on time yesterday. Something about planning her sister's bridal shower" Amanda explained as Carisi failed to clean off the crumbs, she threw him a napkin out of pity. He thanked her with a bashful grin. The truth was, he wasn't annoyed at what happened the previous night, but he did want to talk to her about it and felt this was the best lead in.

"It's not that I minded... well Fin was slightly grumpy about it. You know, he was complaining that we made him do such menial tasks right before his birthday" Carisi laughed "you would think a man his age..."

"A man my age what?" Fin said ominously as he stood behind Carisi, sneaking up on the younger man without his knowledge.

Carisi turned around with a slightly flushed face "ah... ah... you ah..." Carisi stumbled not knowing what to say as Fin stood over him with his arms crossed.

"That's what I thought," Fin said as he walked past the babbling young detective and went to his own desk across from his partner. "How you doing Boo," he asked the blonde detective as he sat down in his chair.

"I'm fine, Fin, I still think I did the right thing last night, but I understand that I disrespected the Lieutenant back there and that's all that I'm going to say on the subject," Amanda said plainly as she stood up to get herself a cup of coffee. She wasn't over what the older woman had said to her, not by a long shot, but she didn't feel the need to let the others in on her personal grievances. She honestly wasn't sure when she would stop resenting Benson for her comment about the younger woman not being capable of taking care of herself. It was a slap in the face regarding all that she's been through and overcome. Amanda also couldn't help but to take the comment as meaning she couldn't take care of her daughter either, but she knew logically that wasn't what the brunette was talking about. Unfortunately, logic was not what was dictating Amanda's emotions.

Amanda was almost done getting her coffee from the break room when Carisi walked in to grab his own cup. "I think you did the right thing too, Rollins, that type of man should never be allowed to walk the streets, but..." he paused as he poured the hot dark liquid into his favorite mug "you need to be careful" he said as he turned to her with a serious look in his eyes. "I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt. If I didn't shoot him when I did..." he trailed off.

"You had my back, Carisi, I did what I did because I trusted you to be there for me, and you were" Amanda said as she placed a gentle hand on his forearm "I guess in the excitement of last night I forgot to thank you... so thank you for saving me last night" she said with a smile as she drew back her hand.

"Don't even mention it. It's what partners do, we look out for each other" he responded in kind.

"Speaking of looking out for something, I need to look out for my waistline, and it would help if you stopped bringing goodies to work every morning" Amanda joked as they both made their way back to the squad room.

"You don't have to eat them you know" Carisi teased back

"It's the principle of the matter," she said lightly. Her mood had certainly shifted since she had first arrived. Amanda loved the guys she worked with because she knew they genuinely cared about her, and it showed in their actions.

"Took you two long enough" Fin said as he watched them return, "I thought I would have to send a search party after you guys. Did you build a new coffee maker from scratch?"

"Nah, we just gossiped about your old age" Amanda replied and she had to quickly dodge a pen that was thrown in her direction.

The playful mood was interrupted as Olivia finally stepped out of her office to greet her detectives. She cast a cold but passive stare at Rollins before she turned to Fin and Carisi "you two are catching today, so be ready to take a call when it comes in" she looked back at Amanda "and I want all that paperwork done before you leave today, Rollins" Amanda didn't acknowledge her. Without a second thought, the elder woman turned back to re-enter her office.

"She's still mad" Carisi stated the obvious

"She'll get over it, she probably had a rough night with Noah" Fin said in trying to explain the Lieutenant's attitude. Amanda didn't answer, she didn't care, or so she tried to make everyone believe. She was just going to do her work and wait for the storm to blow over.

None of them knew, however, that the reason for Olivia's continued anger at Amanda's reckless behavior was due to fact that the elder woman had a terrible nightmare the previous night. She relived the death of Dodds Jr, only for the dream to replay itself again afterward, but this time with Amanda being the victim of Olivia's own negligence.

* * *

It was just after lunch and the tension between Amanda and Olivia was still felt in the air. The blonde detective and the Lieutenant hadn't said a single word to each other that wasn't work related. "Wow, today's been one long day" Fin complained as he leaned back in his chair stretching his arms. He was getting tired of the tension in the room so he tried to change the focus from work. "At least there's that end of the tunnel known as O'Connell's" Fin said as he gave his coworkers a long stare "y'all better be going, it's not every day we get to celebrate the wonderful day I was born" Olivia simply rolled her eyes at her longtime friend and his attempt to inflate his own ego.

"You know I'm always down for a beer or two," Carisi said quickly in response as he stood to give the Lieutenant the documents she had asked for involving their current case.

"I'll be there, Fin, but I can't stay late," Olivia said as she looked down at the papers before her, not bothering to raise her head.

'What 'bout you Manda?" Fin asked after the youngest one amongst them didn't answer "you better be going, it's only right for my partner to treat me to 3 or more drinks"

"I did tell my sitter that I'd be home late tonight, but I don't know, Fin, Jesse did have a fever this morning," Amanda said with an apologetic shrug, in truth she was lying about Jesse. The young mother simply didn't feel in the mood to go anywhere socially with Olivia.

"Come on girl, don't bail on me," Fin said in a voice just sort of a whine "some of my old friends from Vice are going to be there, remember some of the younger ones were sweet on you. They didn't believe me when I said you could drink them under the table. Don't make me a liar, girl" Amanda gave a small sigh which was quickly replaced by a smirk. She always did like putting the bad boy type in their place. Amanda was about to tell her partner that she may go for a small time but she was interrupted by Olivia's cell phone ringing.

"Lucy?" Olivia answered, "is everything okay" the elder woman was slightly concerned, Lucy never called. She would send the usual text updating her on Noah, but never called outright unless something was wrong. Olivia's stiff posture relaxed as she listened to the voice on the other line, a small frown playing across her face "alright, I understand. No... no, it's not a problem at all. Just take care of your brother" and with that, the phone was hung up.

"Everything alright, Lieu?" Carisi asked as he watched the elder woman put away her phone.

"Yeah, that was my sitter. Her little brother got in a car accident" Olivia quickly put up both hands in a calming gesture "he's okay, but he broke his leg and needs someone to pick him up at the hospital, his parents are out of town" she cast an apologetic look towards Fin "looks like I'll be calling a rain check on those drinks tonight, Fin, sorry" she finished as she began to grab her things "I have to go pick up Noah right now"

"It's all good, Liv, you'll just treat me some other time," Fin said with a small smile as he watched his oldest friend leave the squad room. "This better mean you're going for sure now," he said as he gave Amanda a knowing look"

"Ah, you got me, but yeah I'm going," Amanda said with a chuckle "and hey, look on the bright side, now without the buzzkill going we can let loose without her stopping... or judging us"

"You mean like the time when she stopped Amanda and me from finishing our drinking challenge" Carisi laughed as he recalled the bet he had made with the smaller woman. The loser would have done the other's paperwork for a week.

"No, Carisi, Liv killed Amanda's fun, but she saved your ass from total embarrassment" Fin and Amanda laughed as Carisi rolled his eyes in disagreement.

The rest of their afternoon flew by quickly and they found themselves in the middle of Fin's favorite dive bar in no time. True to their word, they weren't holding back, none of the officers there were. It was only a little past eleven, and it was easy to say that most of the people in that crowded bar were already drunk.

"Now, this is what I call having a good time," Fin said as he took a large swig from the latest round of beer. He sat at the booth with Amanda, Carisi, Mickie and John, two of his buddies from Vice that he had kept in contact with. There were also many familiar faces at the bar, as it was a known cop joint, many of them gathered to have a drink in Fin's honor. The elder detective wasn't expecting, nor did he want, such a large crowd but his buddies from Vice invited the others just to annoy him.

"Yep, I bet. Sitting here shoulder to shoulder is probably the most intimate you've gotten with another person in the last decade" Mickie said with a heavy laugh, he continued enjoying his mirth even after Fin nudged him in the side.

"What are you talking about, Mickie, I have the girls crawling all over me, but it's not like you would understand. I feel bad for your wife always having to look at your sorry fat ass in the morning" Fin joked back.

"Girls, girls," John said in humor "you're both very pretty, speaking of pretty" he turned his head toward Amanda "detective Rollins, you're looking as gorgeous as ever. You still have one of the best shapes I've ever seen even after having your baby," he said with a lustful glance

"My, how sweet of you, my girlfriend thinks so too," Amanda said with a wink as she stood up to grab herself another beer. She was getting tired of his flirting, not because she couldn't handle it but because he was simply not original. She had hoped that her joke would get him to back off, but she resigned herself to even more attention when she returned, by the mischievous look in his eyes at the mention of a girlfriend he was only turned on more.

"John, keep it in your pants. My partner's off limits" Fin warned his old friend. He enjoyed the company of the man, but always found his pushy nature with the opposite sex a major flaw in his personality.

"Yeah okay, but who's gonna tell the rest of the guys in this joint" John said as he pointed their attention towards Amanda who was at the bar waiting for her drink "looks like Carlos is trying his luck out now" he laughed as they saw one of their youngest officers in Vice approach, Amanda, he wasn't a friend of Fin's but tagged along for the ride anyway.

Carlos made his way to the blonde detective and stood next to her after she had ordered herself another drink. "It's pretty crazy in here don't you think?" Carlos asked her as he leaned against the bar, his short-sleeved shirt exposing his tight muscles. "All this alcohol, I hope everyone's going to make the right decisions tonight," he said with a devilishly bright smile

"Decisions?" Amanda repeated as she scooted closer to the handsome man "who needs to make decisions? I always think it's just better to go where the mood takes you" she answered back sensually, fluttering her eyelashes.

Carlos leaned in closer and placed his right hand on her hip, Amanda gently looked down at his hand and placed her own over it. She then dragged it up his arm and rested it on his chest "I have to be honest" she began in a hushed voice "I've been waiting for something hard to wrap my lips around..." she bit her lip and looked him up and down "to quench my thirst, and I think it's right in front of me" she added as she slowly licked her lips. Carlos roamed her body for a second before he leaned forward to kiss her but Amanda pushed him back with her hand; momentarily dazed, the man from Vice looked back at her with confusion "and here it is" she said with a wink as she grabbed her newly arrived beer off the bar and took a small sip. She walked away, without a glance back, leaving a very stunned and aroused man behind her.

Fin and the rest of the guys at the table laughed loudly as they saw what had happened before them "he's not the only guy to have fallen for that trick" Fin laughed as he pointed a finger at the poor looking Carlos still at the bar.

"Heck, I would have fallen for it too," Carisi said as he watched Amanda get stopped yet again by another guy

"You just saw it, and I know for a fact you would still fall for it Carisi" Fin rolled his eyes as he saw the jealousy in Carisi's as he watched the other men around the young blonde detective. Fin was going to bring the younger man out of his glare but was interrupted by his phone ringing. He looked at it and excused himself to a quieter corner of the bar. "Hey Liv, you're missing all the fun," he said as a greeting in answering the phone.

"I know, but I still wanted to wish you a happy birthday and see how everything was going out there," Olivia stated as she sat at her kitchen counter. She had put Noah to bed thirty minutes prior, the young boy fighting her tooth and nail, she rewarded herself for staying calm, and not yelling at her unruly toddler, with a nice cold glass of wine.

"Oh, I'm having a blast" Fin said loudly almost causing Olivia to pull the phone away from her ear. She could tell that her old friend had much more to drink than he probably should have, he sounded purely drunk. "Come on man, get your hands off her" Fin yelled as he slightly pulled the cell from his face but his voice still carried strongly over the phone

"What's going on?" Olivia asked in concern. She could pick up Fin's annoyance even through drunken loud state "is everything alright"

"Yeah, it's fine. This night would be perfect, though, if every guy in this bar wasn't trying to get into my partner's pants" he complained and let out a large sigh and an eye roll as he watched Carisi walk up to Amanda with another drink "and I do mean every guy"

"Is she alright?" Olivia asked again, not liking the way things were sounding over there. She knew O'Connell's was typically a guy's bar and now she felt bad leaving Amanda to be so easily outnumbered "has she had too much to drink?"

"Oh, she's handling herself just fine" Fin said easily over the phone "although she should quit teasing them so much, some of these guys aren't as bright as you would hope"

Olivia still didn't like the sound of that but she knew she didn't have much, or any, control over the situation over there. She only hoped that the younger woman was smart enough to keep alert. Even in a bar full of cops, a woman should not drink to the point to where she couldn't defend herself. "Well, have fun, Fin, but don't drink too much. Remind Amanda and Carisi that unlike you, they have an early start tomorrow" Olivia said already anticipating having three hungover detectives on duty the next day "and look out for them... I mean, they should get home safe..." Olivia said in an awkward manner. She didn't want to seem overbearing but the amount of alcohol Fin seemed to have already consumed made her worry about the other two as well.

"No worries, Liv, we'll all get home safe. I promise" Fin said just before he hung up the phone leaving the elder woman alone with the silence in her apartment again.

"Maybe I should have shown up," Olivia stated as she placed her phone down on the counter next to her glass of wine. The SVU Lieutenant lied to Fin earlier when she said she couldn't make it. In truth, she could have asked her neighbor to watch Noah, the grandmother of four loved children and was great with her son, but she wasn't in the mood for drinking. Her nightmares the previous night still had her shaken to the core. The last thing she wanted to see was her subordinates and friends drinking too much.

Now, she feared that she made the wrong decision not being the voice of reason in their ears. She trusted them all, even Amanda, regardless of what she said the previous day, but she knew they didn't get out much and when they did they made up for the lost time. Olivia went to bed, hoping that her decision to stay home doesn't come back to bite her in the butt.

 **A/N: So, don't expect to get used to this fast of an update :) I just don't want to do my homework right now lol. I hope it doesn't seem too slow of a pace right now, I need to set a few things up first. The next two chapter are what I'm particularly excited to write about, I just love drama lol :) thanks for reading.**


	3. Hangover

**A/N: Thanks for all of those wonderful reviews, it really motivated me to write again... at the cost of something else haha.**

As usual, Olivia was the first to arrive at the precinct. She wished she could say that she was well rested after staying home with Noah instead of going out drinking with the rest of her squad, but that would have been a lie. The seasoned SVU Lieutenant was once again hounded by nightmares. She was almost getting used to the fact that she would see different members of her squad dying in a myriad of ways all due to her incompetence.

Ever since Dodds Jr died, Olivia had been seeing her therapists regularly. Her sessions had been helping, but she also knew that her squad was starting to notice her overbearing nature peeking through; especially when it came to her youngest detective, mostly due to the fact that Amanda was the most impulsive and reckless of them all.

"Today's going to be a better day," Olivia said aloud to herself as she sat in her office. Dr. Lindstrom had told her to try these self-reassuring phrases to keep her mind positive during the day and away from her fears. It was at this moment when she saw Carisi come wobbling in, head down in fatigue as he clutched onto a small box of pastries. "Or it would have been if my detectives weren't all going to be hungover" she grumbled to herself and shook her head with a sigh.

After several minutes had passed, Olivia made her way into the squad room noticing that Amanda had still not arrived. "Carisi," she said as she left her office "do you know where Rollins is" she looked down at her watch "she's already twenty minutes late"

"Sorry, Lieu, I honestly don't know where she is. I can give her a call if you'd like" he offered as he reached for his desk phone.

"No, it's alright. I'll give her another ten minutes and then call her myself" she said as she lightly put her hands on her hips. She was disappointed in Amanda, again. This was just another example of the young blonde taking action without thinking of the consequences. "How was she when you all left the bar last night" Olivia couldn't help but ask

"Well I left before Fin and Amanda did" Carisi confessed "last I saw Fin was in a drinking match with one of his old buddies from Vice, he was getting pretty far gone. Amanda seemed alright, though, she had a few but she was still coherent and as quick-witted as ever"

His answer did nothing to make Olivia feel any better. The elder woman decided to not wait the extra ten minutes and instead call her youngest detective at that moment. However, as she picked up her cell Amanda came into the squad room.

Amanda looked terrible compared to her usual professional appearance. Her clothes were wrinkled, her hair was in a messy ponytail, and exhaustion was written all over her face. "I'm so sorry I'm late…" Amanda said in a tired voice as she stopped in the middle of the room, several feet from Olivia and Carisi "I… I have no excuse" she added, not even willing to come up with an idea to save face.

"Well at least you're here now," Olivia said in feigned disinterest. She was simply relieved that Amanda was alright. "I hope you had fun last night because your butt's not leaving this room until all that paperwork is done" she added reminding the younger woman that she was still on desk duty.

Amanda hardly gave an acknowledgment at the elder woman's words; usually, she would have been offended, but at that moment Olivia and what she thought was the farthest thing from her mind.

"Man, Fin, was the lucky one" Carisi said as Olivia walked back into her office "he was smart enough to request the latter shift so he could come in after lunch and sleep in" he chuckled to himself "I wish I had done that" he finished with a small shake of his head. In the time Carisi had been at the precinct, he had already downed two cups of Coffee and was beginning to feel better and more alert. He always did have a fast recovery time from a hangover once he was up and moving around, something he attributed to his Italian grandmother feeding him wine since he began talking.

Amanda, on the other hand, seemed far off from a rebound in her recovery, something that Carisi noticed. "Are you okay, Amanda?" he asked in concern as he watched his partner sit at her desk, head resting in her hands.

Amanda took a deep breath and lifted her head away from her palms "yeah, yeah" she began as she waved her hand in a flippant manner "I'm just wrecked... I didn't get any rest last night… Jesse was upset" she added as Carisi gave her a concerned glance "so when I did finally fall asleep, I practically passed out, only to be awoken by my nanny… no time to shower or eat"

"Well you can have one of my pastries" Carisi offered as he held up the small box he had brought with him that morning

Amanda shook her head at the offer, the thought of food making her sick "I'm not feeling well, I think I'm even going to skip lunch so I can shower during my break"

"That's not healthy Amanda, you need to eat something, and drink water. We all had a lot to drink last night, our bodies need certain necessities to function properly" he said sincerely

"Worry about your own body Carisi" Amanda snapped "you're not my father and you're not my boyfriend, you're just a person I work with... and what I do to myself is none of your concern"

Carisi was taken aback by Amanda's attitude and words. He had seen her mad before, but he had never seen her act like that to himself. "I'm sorry Amanda… I just care about..." he trailed off disheartened, he didn't mean to upset her so much. He was only trying to help.

Amanda let out a tired sigh "No… I'm sorry. I didn't mean that… I just… I really want to be left alone okay. I promise after that shower I'll feel much better" she tried in amends. She knew that was what she needed, in fact getting clean was all that she desired. Carisi didn't say anything, only nodded his head in confusion. He almost felt guilty for thinking it, but he assumed that Amanda was simply having her monthly and that mixed with a hangover explained her behavior, he hoped a shower really was all that she needed.

* * *

Olivia couldn't help herself, but as the hours ticked on she found her eyes unable to stop staring at her two detectives in the squad room. She had been in and out of there for several short procedural reasons, and the very tense atmosphere never escaped her notice. It did bother her, however, that most of the bad vibes were coming from Amanda. If the younger woman didn't want to be so grumpy, then she should not have stayed out drinking all night like some crazy sorority girl.

Olivia was thankful that the day had been relatively quiet with no new cases coming in. She hoped it would stay that way, at least until tomorrow when her team wouldn't be hindered by the after effects of a poorly timed party. The elder woman was drawn out of her thoughts by the sound of her own stomach growling "lunch time, huh" she looked at her watch to confirm her stomach's intuition. "I better hurry if I'm going to make it to lunch with Lucy and Noah," she said absentmindedly as she gathered her wallet to meet the duo at the park. One of the conditions Olivia had to agree to the prior night to get her son to bed was a play date at the park. The brunette found herself looking forward to the event, it would give her a chance to leave the heavy atmosphere of the squad room behind. As she was leaving, she made a mental note to herself to make sure that no celebrations were to be held in the middle of the week again, she hated the mood her detectives were in.

In no time at all the elder woman found herself back from the park filled with renewed energy. If there was one person in the world that could change Benson's mood, in a second, it was her son.

Unfortunately for Olivia, her lunch with him was cut off far too soon by the time, in her opinion, and she was forced back into the harsh reality that was the life of a Manhattan Special Victims Unit officer.

The moment Olivia walked into her office she noticed two freshly stacked piles of paperwork waiting for her. "This just never ends" she groans "but at least for this week, I'm going to have a hand" she couldn't help but to smirk to herself when the idea of pushing some of that work onto Amanda crossed her mind. She knew the younger woman resented her for sitting her out, but Olivia was determined to get it in Amanda's head that all of her actions have consequences.

Grabbing one of the stacks, she walked back out into the squad room. She looked around but found none of her detectives there. She knew Fin still had another hour until he was due in, he was going to stay late into the night and work part of the night shift, but that didn't explain the absence of her remaining detectives. Before she could reach for her phone to start calling them, Carisi walked in. "It's nice to see that you're here on time, but where is Amanda?" she questioned, not giving the man enough time to answer before she continued "she wasn't with you?"

"No," Carisi said confused. He dropped his things on his desk and looked at his watch to make sure of the time "she didn't want to eat anything, prompting instead to take a shower during her break. She headed for the locker room minutes before I left, are you sure she's not here?" he asked surprised that Amanda wasn't already back at her desk.

"Well I haven't seen her yet, maybe she did grab something to eat after her shower" she suggested as she dropped the stack of papers in her hands onto the younger woman's desk "when she gets back, tell her that those pages also have to be filed by today"

Olivia was about to return to her desk to start working on her own paperwork when she stopped and turned toward the women's locker room. Not many people go in there during the middle of the shifts like it was at that moment. She wondered if Amanda was hiding out in there trying to nurse her hangover in quiet. "I can't believe she would still be hungover after all this time" she whispered to herself "but given that it's Amanda, nothing really should surprise me"

Slowly she walked into the woman's locker room being as silent as she could so she would be able to hear if Amanda was in there. She heard nothing. Olivia was about to turn around when she caught sight of a slightly open locker at the far end of the room, closer to the showers. For a reason that she could not explain, Olivia was suddenly overcome with a feeling of dread. "Amanda?" she called out as she walked toward that open locker, her body moving slowly as if in anticipation of something jumping out at her "Amanda, are you in here?" she questioned again. Still no response.

Olivia placed her hand on the side of the locker row before she slowly turned her body around the corner. Her voice was caught in her throat, she was stunned momentarily before her instincts kicked in.

"Amanda!" she yelled as she rushed to her youngest detective's side. On the floor laid the blonde detective, her golden hair flung out in a circle around her head, its only blemish being the bright red stain of dried blood seeming to have seeped from a small gash on the left side of her head. Her shirt was gone leaving her only in her bra, however, the garment laid close to her on the floor in a crumbled mess. Her pants were unzipped but they still hung tightly around her hips. It looked as if Amanda had fallen while getting ready to take the shower Carisi had spoken about earlier.

The SVU Lieutenant quickly reached for a pulse and let out a sigh of relief when she got a strong response. "Amanda" Olivia called again trying to pull the younger woman back into consciousness. It was at this moment that the elder woman caught the state of her detective's body "Amanda, what happened?" she questioned with a sharp pain hitting her in the chest. Olivia lightly ran her hand over the dark purple bruises that wrapped around Amanda's wrists, injuries the younger woman's shirt had once concealed. She then let her gaze fall to the harsh red marks that marred the blonde's chest.

"Carisi!" Olivia yelled urgently "Carisi! Get in here" within a moment the Italian detective was running through the locker room doors

"Lieu!" he yelled as he entered "what's wrong?"

"Over here. Amanda's hurt, call a bus" Olivia ordered. Carisi froze when he saw the blonde's beaten form on the floor

"Was... was she attacked in here?" he questioned still in shock at seeing his partner so injured, wanting to know that instant what happened.

"I don't know, just call the bus!" Olivia ordered while giving him a glare. The harsh fear and panic in his Lieutenant's eyes caused Carisi to jump into action and pull out his phone.

"Liv" Olivia's head jolted and turned the moment she heard the soft whisper from Amanda. The elder woman shifted so she could get closer to Amanda's face. She grabbed hold of her hand and was rubbing it softly to provide some sort of comfort to the younger woman as she continued to talk "I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so sorry" a single tear fell from Amanda's eye as she blinked slowly

"What are you sorry about?" Olivia asked confused not understanding what Amanda was trying to say.

"You were right" Amanda swallowed hard, her blue eyes becoming unfocused again "I wasn't strong enough to take care of myself, it's my fault" she finished as her eyes fell shut, unconsciousness reclaiming her once again.

"No, Amanda" Olivia responded, tears falling from her own eyes "whatever happened... it wasn't your fault. You don't get to apologize" she finished, hoping that Amanda could hear her.

 **A/N: I am so bad hehe, I really need to be working on a paper that's due tomorrow, but instead I did this :) procrastination will be the death of me, or more like my GPA. I hope you guys liked the last part of this chapter, it was meant to be dramatic and suspenseful, but I'm not sure if I pulled it off.**


	4. Difficult

"Shit" Olivia hissed as she paced the hospital waiting room "what the hell's taking so long" she added in frustration. The paramedics had arrived quickly enough to take Amanda to the hospital, Olivia forced her way into the vehicle with them, she wasn't going to let Amanda out of her sight if she could help it, causing Carisi to follow in his own car. The moment they arrived at the emergency room they unloaded the unconscious blonde and Olivia was forced to stay behind. Almost thirty minutes had passed since than, and still, no word on Amanda's condition had reached them.

"I think they just want to make sure everything is alright before they come talk to us, Lieu," Carisi said in response to his agitated boss. He was faring no better, however, his hands were clammy and, if he had the option, he would storm into the room himself to be updated.

"Everything's not alright Carisi" Olivia stopped and turned sharply on him "if it was, we wouldn't be here, Amanda wouldn't be unconscious, and she most definitely wouldn't have had those… those…" she faltered not knowing how to process the markings she had seen on the younger woman's body as she laid in her hands uncouncious.

"Those bruises" Carisi finished for her. He had seen them too, and it was killing him inside to know that his partner was hurt sometime in between the night before and when she had walked into the precinct that morning. "What happened to her… was she mugged or something? why didn't she say anything?" he asked confused his voice almost breaking, the pain caused by the situation could be heard as he spoke. He desperately wanted to know how she got those bruises, his mind coming up with worse and worse scenarios as the minutes passed by."Why didn't I notice?" it hurt him to think that Amanda had been so injured that she passed out in the locker room, but he never even suspected anything was wrong with her. He knew she was a little off that morning, but he assumed she was simply hungover.

"Don't, Carisi, don't play the what ifs game in your head" Olivia said sternly "it does Amanda no good now". She knew where his head was going and it did no help in the current situation. There was plenty of blame to go around, and she couldn't help but feel responsible for most of it. She knew she should have gone to the bar with them, she had a bad feeling about that night, she should have listened to it.

"What happened last night, who was she with?" Olivia asked suddenly, wanting to get to the bottom of things. What she said to Carisi helped herself realize that they didn't have to be waiting in anxiety, they could be productive, they could act like the SVU detectives they were.

"I can't say for certain. I told you I left early, and as for who she was with… it was mostly me and Fin" Carisi answered truthfully as he tried to piece together his drunken fractured memory from the night before "some guys from Vice were there too" he added after he remembered Amanda's trick she played on one of the younger officers "Amanda did pulled a fast one on one of the younger officers from Vice. She got him good, he was coming on to her and she pushed back with her own flirtations only to leave him high and dry a moment later... it was funny at the time"

"It doesn't seem so funny now that Amanda's in this situation..." Olivia said bitterly thinking that it could be the man Amanda made a fool out of who hurt her in such a way. "A guy from Vice?" she asked to make sure, hating to think that one of their own could be responsible for Amanda's condition, but all too aware that not all who wear the uniform properly represent what it means. "Do you know his name?"

Carisi pursed his lips as he thought, by that time he had already been drunk and names weren't the easiest to remember "it was something like Carson...Carter…" he lightly snapped his fingers and squeezed his eye shut as he stuttered out names in deep concentration. He knew those names weren't right but he continued, not wanting to let down both his Lieutenant and his partner "Carlos!" he exclaimed "Carlos, they called him Carlos"

Olivia took a mental note of the name, planning to call Vice the moment she returned to the precinct to get more information on officer Carlos. The moment she thought about the precinct another thought occurred to her "oh, no" she whispered but gained Carisi's attention regardless "Fin, he's coming in late. We have to tell him" she looked down at her watch "he'll be in the squad room in the next thirty minutes"

"We should tell him to meet us here" Carisi offered "he'll come here anyway the moment he gets wind that something's happened, and when he does, maybe he can tell us if he remembered Carlos… or anyone else being too close to Amanda. Do you want me to call him?"

"No, I'll do it" Olivia responded as she pulled out her cell. It rang a few times before it was picked up.

"Yeah?" a tired voice answered. Olivia could hear the sound of a shower in the background

"Fin, are you almost heading over yet?" she asked

"Nah, I just jumped in the shower. I still have time, though,… well, okay I'll be a little late" he grumbled over the phone. He sounded as if he had just awoken and still suffered from the aftereffects of a harsh night of drinking.

"Hurry up, and when you're done meet us at Mercy hospital" Olivia explained over the phone, speaking louder than normal to be heard over the sound of the running water.

"Mercy? Us? We got a vic? If you are already there with someone why do you need me?" Fin questioned, he may have still been slightly hungover but he could still pick up that something was bothering Olivia. He knew that it wasn't strange to be called to the hospital or a crime scene when just about to clock on, but that usually included meeting only one other person from the squad, to break from that patteren always indicated a larger or more difficult case.

"I'll explain when you get here," Olivia said shortly, seeing the look Carisi gave her when she said this "just hurry"

"Copy that, Liv" Fin said just before he hung up. He seemed to have sobered up slightly during the course of their short conversation, but Olivia had a feeling he would still be less than one hundred percent when he would finally arrive at the hospital.

"You didn't tell him?" Carisi questioned the moment the call ended

"I'll tell him when he gets here" she repeated herself, she sighed at the looked the younger man gave her "if I told him it was Amanda, he would not think straight and rush, increasing the chances he'd get into some sort of accident on the way. He can't do anything at the moment anyway so why not just give him a few more seconds of blissful ignorance"

"He's not going to take it well," Carisi said as he nodded toward the room where Amanda was "he's always been very protective of her"

"I know" Olivia responded with a sad voice. She knew that this would devastate her old friend, just as much or if not more than it has her.

"Lieutenant, detective" Amanda's doctor called as she approached the two SVU officers

"Dr. Wilder" Olivia walked quickly to meet the African American woman half way "how is she?" she questioned quickly, not concerned at all about pleasantries

Dr. Wilder looked at the clipboard in her hands and sighed. She tilted her to the side trying to figure out the best way to report her findings. This was never her favorite part of the job, giving painful information to the people that cared about her patients, and it was made all the more difficult by the fact that she had worked with all of the members of the SVU for several years, even the woman she had left in a hospital bed not more than a minute prior. "Well, the good news is that from the preliminary testing, she doesn't seem to have a concussion or any other major injury as a result of the fall. The fall itself seemed to have occurred due to a dizzy spell brought on by dehydration and lack of food" she began, hoping that this would be a relief to the two anxious officers before her. "I would recommend her staying overnight just for observation, to be on the safe side, however, she has already flat out refused this option and is currently demanding to be released" she gave a sly smile, it did give the doctor some solace to see Amanda still very full of life.

"She's awake now?" Olivia cut in quickly, happy to know that her detective was no longer unconscious, even if that meant a harder time for the doctors to examine her.

"Yes, she woke up when we were almost done with our examination of her injuries" Wilder responded, "and it's safe to say that she was not happy about her situation whatsoever"

"That sounds like Amanda, alright" Carisi smiled slightly, happy that Amanda still seemed like herself but his smile quickly faded as the doctor continued her briefing.

"She did present herself with several contusions around her wrists, as you well know, however, upon further examination, we found similar bruising on her inner thighs… as well as bite marks on her breasts" the doctor could see the sudden shift in the two seasoned SVU officers before her, they knew where this was going "we also found some vaginal bleeding"

"No" Olivia's eyes instantly began to water as she shook her head in disbelief, trying desperately to keep her tears at bay. She had seen the marks on her youngest detective, at least the ones on her wrists and chest, save for the skin that was covered by her bra. But still, Olivia had hoped that it wouldn't be rape, not that any of what she saw was okay, but she wished that it just wasn't that. "Did you do a rape kit?" she asked, preferring to step back into detective mode, if only to prevent herself from breaking down right there.

"No, detective Rollins flat out refused to do one. In fact, save for consenting to the MRI to check for a concussion, she has refused any treatment or examination" Wilder explained "if she was a normal patient, I would have called SVU before releasing her… but since you're already here and well… I've already begun the paperwork for her discharge. The only condition was that someone stays with her for at least the next twenty-four hours. If nothing out of the ordinary occurs, I believe she could return to work within a few days, only a light load at first, though"

Olivia nodded solemnly, disappointed in Amanda's decision but not surprised. If the younger woman still went to work after so obviously being assaulted, it was clear to see that she didn't want help or sympathy, only to continue with her life as if nothing had happened at all. It was something she had seen in reluctant victims before. The belief that if they pretended everything was fine that everything would turn out to be fine in the end. A belief that was, in Olivia's opinion, always more detrimental to the victim than facing the facts to what was done to them.

"Can we see her now?" Carisi's voice pulled Olivia from her thoughts

"Yes, of course," Wilder responded easily "now if you'll excuse me, I have other patients that need my attention" and with that, the African American woman walked away.

Olivia and Carisi shared a glance before they both headed towards Amanda's room. They stopped to knock at the door, they didn't wait for an answer, however, before entering. Olivia walked in first followed by Carisi. They saw Amanda sitting up on the edge of the bed already dressed into borrowed scrubs that were a size too big. Her body language screamed discomfort with her head down and hands holding onto the mattress. When they entered, Amanda looked up, she had an exhausted look on her face but pulled off a sheepish grin "I guess I should have heeded your advice, Carisi" she said as she looked directly at the Italian detective, her eyes never wondering to Olivia "after a night of drinking like that, I should have eaten or drank something" she gave a small but non-genuine chuckle "lesson learned I guess"

Carisi glanced over at Olivia before returning his gaze back to Amanda "Amanda…" he trailed off, not knowing where to begin. It seemed that all of his experience seemed to have disappeared at that moment. He couldn't deal with the fact that his partner, a woman he saw every day, was now in the position of a victim.

"Sorry if I scared y'all" Amanda responded to Carisi's lack of words "but I'm fine, the doc said I can go home and return to work by Monday" she added trying to move them along so she could get out of there. She hated having them stand by the door, it made her feel trapped and anxious.

"Amanda" Olivia interrupted "we talked to your doctor. She told us about your injuries… I've already seen the bruises on your wrists..."

"She had no right to tell you," Amanda said angrily interrupting Olivia, she would have stood for effect if she was confident that her legs could have supported her weight at that moment "I'm not a case for SVU, my… my medical data is private"

"Are you sure about that, Amanda?" Carisi interrupted. He looked down at his feet before giving Amanda a very pain filled look "Are you sure that what happened to you isn't something that SVU should be investigating?"

Amanda's face paled at his words "I… I…" she swallowed hard and shut her eyes tightly before reopening them, a new fire burning within "I wasn't raped Carisi" she said bitterly, anger clearly playing across her face

"You don't have to try and hide it… the bruising, Amanda, the bit marks, the… vaginal bleeding" he listed some of her injuries, all of which were consistent with a sexual assault.

Amanda bit her lip at his words, nearly drawing blood "just because you haven't had sex in who knows how many years" she began giving him the dirtiest and most hateful look she could muster "doesn't mean that I'm celibate as well… haven't you ever had rough sex before?"

At this point, Olivia held up her hand to stop Carisi's response. "Carisi, give us the room," she said impassively. She could tell Amanda was in no mood to talk, but she wasn't going to let the blonde go before she had a chance to speak with her, and she wasn't sure if Carisi should hear the things she had to say to the younger woman. Carisi looked confused at Olivia's order, but with one more glance, she had the younger man leaving them alone.

Amanda didn't like the calm demeanor of Olivia. She didn't like the fact that she wanted to talk with her alone, in truth, Amanda had always felt intimidated by the older woman. Nothing ever seemed to go well when Olivia's attention was focused on her.

"Amanda," Olivia said the moment they were alone. Even though the word was spoken very calmly, it didn't seem to stop Amanda from flinching at it. A fact that did not escape Olivia's notice. "You forget that I too know what happened between you and Patton back in Atlanta" Olivia began to explain, bring up the fact that this wasn't the first time the younger woman was in such a situation. A reality that was painful for Olivia to process.

"That has nothing to do…" Amanda began but was cut off

"That has everything to do with this and that bullshit answer you tried to sell us" Amanda was stunned into silence "I know that he held you down, Amanda, I know that he pinned your wrists above your head" she continued in a softer voice, her eyes becoming more concerned and filled with compassion. "I know that someone who has lived through a trauma like that would never let their wrists..." she reached for Amanda's hand but the younger woman pulled away quickly and held it to her chest. Olivia gave an inaudible sigh "would never let anyone else pin them down, or let it come to the point where they have injuries like yours…" she faltered a bit, as she contemplated her next words. "Even I don't let anyone pin me down… after Lewis… and I wasn't even raped"

Amanda couldn't help the tears that formed on her eyelashes, her throat felt like it was about to close at the swell of emotions that were about to betray Amanda's desire to stay stoic in front of the elder woman. Olivia saw this change in Amanda "can you tell me what really happened?"

The younger woman blinked her eyes as she sat up slightly straighter. With a small shake of her head, she whispered "no"

"Why, Amanda, why can't you talk to me?" Olivia questioned, pained by the fact that she was so close to reaching the younger woman and yet so far away. Before Amanda could even think about responding, the tense atmosphere of the room was broken by Olivia's cell phone ringing. It was Fin, he had finally arrived at the hospital.

 **A/N: So, Amanda is definitely not going to make it easy for them to figure out what happened to her. Much to the frustration of her whole squad :) Thanks for reading and for the wonderful reviews.**


	5. Arrangements

**A/N: I am so sorry for the delay. I wanted to have this chapter up by Friday, but things happened that I don't want to explain. Anyway, here it is, finally :)**

Fin had made good time to the hospital and was lucky enough to find parking near the entrance, much to his relief. He may have sobered up after his shower, but there was no denying the fact that he was still hung over. "Uh," he grumbled as he stepped out of his car and rubbed his face. He had the worse headache and his body was sore "I can't believe I drank that much, or feel this bad" he complained as he began making his way toward the hospital "getting older is a bitch".

He pulled out his dark sunglasses and slipped them on as he was crossing the street. He didn't want the doctors and other hospital staff, that would recognize him, to realize the condition he was in. After the shades were firmly on his face and covering the large bags under his eyes, he pulled out his phone and called Olivia. It rang for several seconds before the Lieutenant answered.

"Fin" Olivia's voice greeted him over the phone. The dark-skinned detective instantly recognized something was off by her tone. The calmness of it was too forced.

"Hey, Liv. I'm here, about to walk in now" he responded, not commenting on his suspicions that something was wrong. He would be finding out soon enough anyway.

"Okay, come to room 125, we'll wait here for you" she responded shortly and hung up.

Fin quickly put away his phone and entered the hospital. His skin instantly began to crawl. Something in his gut told him that nothing was right at that moment. He was about to head straight to the room Olivia had told him about until he noticed Carisi pacing in the waiting area. The clear pain and anxiety dripping from the younger man only made Fin more anxious himself. He knew for certain this was something bad, and it had to involve one of their own, or else the Italian detective wouldn't have looked so frantic. His heart dropped when he realized that the only person he had not seen or talked to that morning was his partner, something must have happened to her.

"Carisi?" Fin called as he approached the younger man at a swift pace. The Italian detective stopped suddenly in his tracks and stood like a deer caught in headlights. "Carisi, what's happened?" he demanded, not caring about being rude.

"The Lieutenant was going to tell you" Carisi answered as he slowly shifted his head from side to side as if expecting to see his commanding officer approaching them. He could tell Fin was in an agitated state as well and he wasn't sure if he should be the one telling him about Amanda's condition, especially since Olivia said she would do it herself.

"Well you're the one in front of me now, so start talking," he asked with a face stern while his heart was pounding like a drum. "It's about Manda, right?" he added with a well-hidden but difficult swallow.

Carisi let out a deep sigh and shifted on his feet with his gaze lowered. Fin was about to yell at him again to start talking, but before he could, Carisi raised his head "yeah, Fin, it's about Amanda… she collapsed in the locker room not more than an hour ago"

"She collapsed?" Fin repeated "why, did she hit her head?" he continued to ask. He knew there was more to the story, or else his behavior made no sense "what's really going on here?"

"She did hit her head" Carisi resumed his explanation "but that's not the problem, the doc says that she should be fine in that regard although 24-hour monitoring is suggested. The real problem comes with how we found her… she was getting ready to take a shower and pulled her shirt off…" he trailed off. His mind wandering back to that scene sending shivers down his spine.

"So, she had her shirt off, keep your head in the game, man" Fin yelled at him again. He was getting tired of the younger man's snail pace in telling him the facts and he was especially mad at the fact that Carisi seemed to be fantasizing about Amanda topless in their current situation.

"It's not like that, Fin…" Carisi bit back angrily at the accusation "she had bruises… bruises on her wrists like she was held down. She also had red scraps on her chest. The worst part was when she semi-regained consciousness and told Olivia she was sorry for not being able to protect herself… she blames herself"

Amanda was hurt. Someone hurt his partner and all he wanted to do was hurt them back, the fact that Amanda blamed herself only killed him more. "She blames herself?... what exactly does that mean. What happened to her?" he questioned in a softer tone than he had been speaking in before, more focused and controlled. His desire to help and avenge Amanda giving him a sudden calmness that he didn't expect. He needed more information, he needed to see her.

Carisi pursed his lips before finishing his tale to the elder detective, he didn't want to say what he knew because then it would become all too real, it would force him to process all that he had learned that day. "Fin, when the doctors examined her..." the pain radiating off him as he began speaking was palpable "they found more bruising on her hips and bit marks on her breast…" this was the part he really didn't want to say "... and, they found vaginal bleeding". When Carisi had said this, Fin's face turned as pale as a ghost. The elder man had feared this was the case, that his partner was sexually assaulted, the moment Carisi mentioned the bruises on her wrists, it was hard not to come to this conclusion in their line of work, but he had hope that this wasn't the case, not with his partner, not for Amanda. "She woke up in the middle of their exam, though, and Amanda's adamant that nothing happened" the younger detective added quickly after the sudden change in Fin.

"Of course, she would say that," Fin said bitterly as he squeezed his fists together, trying desperately to avoid having an explosion of emotions in the middle of the waiting room at the hospital "it's Manda, she doesn't like people worrying about her. She keeps things locked up tight".

Without any other words, Fin turned his back towards Carisi. He had to see Amanda, he needed to know that she was safe with his own eyes. He stormed straight to room 125 but stopped himself just before he was about to fling the door open. His partner was a… a victim now, he knew that he couldn't simply barge in. He needed to be in control for her. The only idea that came to his mind was pain. Pain could ground him in that moment. Without hesitation, he bit down on his forearm hard enough to leave a bruise of his own, but lucky enough to be hidden under his long sleeves. The pain was instant but it did help to ground him. With a last deep breath, he knocked on the door and entered.

The first thing he noticed as the door opened was his partner sitting on the hospital bed dressed in some borrowed scrubs, the next was the bruises on her wrist. He couldn't help but stare at her. "Fin," Olivia said after a moment, bringing the elder man out of his daze "I need you to listen when…" she was cut off by Fin

"Carisi already told me everything," he said in a sad voice as he looked toward his oldest friend. He didn't want to make Amanda uncomfortable by the continuous staring, she wasn't an object for his viewing. "I'm… I'm sorry Amanda. I was with you last night… I should have… I shouldn't have drank so much. This is my…" words were just pouring out of his mouth without him thinking. He vaguely remembered the promise he made to Olivia the previous that he would make sure Amanda got home safe. He had failed miserably in that, and for that, he would never forgive himself.

"This is nothing" Amanda cut him off "don't think about this Fin, don't waste your time" she sounded more confident than she looked. Every person in that room could tell that she was on the verge of tears.

"This is not nothing, Amanda" Olivia cut in. "We..." she waved to Fin and herself "can see that you're in pain. That you're in shock and denial…"

"You don't know what I feel," Amanda said angrily "don't even pretend that you do. None of you would ever understand what happened."

"Then tell us, baby girl. Please…" Fin took a step forward and reached for Amanda, but the younger woman flinched subconsciously and pulled her limbs closer to her center. When Fin saw this, he retracted his own hand like he had just been burned, anger grew in him once again. "I kill him… them. I don't care about the law right now, Manda, just tell me who needs to pay and I'll make it happen"

"Fin!" Olivia scolded. She couldn't help but to sympathize with his anger, but she also couldn't allow such threats to be made by one of her own detectives, a threat she knew Fin would keep. "You're not helping her by saying that, if you can't control yourself then leave" she added as she gave Fin a stern look, the other detective giving no acknowledgment of her words. Olivia looked back to her youngest detective with eyes filled with compassion "Amanda, I know this is… this is really hard for you right now but please let us help you, the right way" she gave Fin another look "please do the rape kit, you don't have to give a statement right now. Just let us preserve any evidence so when you do want to come forward you have the chance to"

"I'm not doing a rape kit, Liv. I wasn't raped! I…" she looked down for a second as she thought about what best to say "I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm going home to take a shower the moment the doctor lets me. I'm fine… I'm going to be fine" she finished. Her body language betraying her words as she couldn't restrain the tears that fell from her eyes nor the quiver in her voice.

"Baby girl, you're not fine. Nothing about your affect tells me that you're fine" Fin began but was cut off as Amanda grabbed his hand this time.

"Fin, just listen to me. Please. Don't push me into this" she said in a soft and pleading voice before she let go of his hand and wiped the tears away. She looked at Olivia as well "give me this control, let me make my own decisions and not be judged or looked down upon for them"

Before Olivia or Fin had a chance to respond to Amanda's words another knock was heard at the door, soon followed by the appearance of Amanda's doctor. "I hope I'm not interrupting," Dr. Wilder said as she entered the room "I have the discharge papers"

"No worries doc" Amanda responded first "they were just leaving"

"Well, I hope one of them stays at least, remember you're only leaving if you have someone to watch over you for the next 24 hours" the doctor reminded her.

"Don't worry, we have her back" Fin answered the African American physician

"We'll let you finish the discharge process. We'll be in the waiting room if you need anything" Olivia said immediately after. She wanted to get the schedule for taking care of Amanda done before the discharge was complete. This was going to have to be a group effort.

Olivia and Fin met up with Carisi in the waiting room. "How did it go; did she say anything more?" he asked the moment they got close to him.

"No, she shut us down again" Olivia answered as she looked down in frustration. She placed her hands on her hips "What happened last night, Fin?" she suddenly asked her oldest friend. She didn't want to interrogate him in front of Amanda but she needed the answers.

"I honestly can't remember much after you called" he looked shameful "I was reckless, Liv. I let one of my old buddies talk me into a contest of shots and I don't even remember much of my journey home, Uber I think. So, I can't even begin to say when Amanda left, or with who"

"We're going to have to get the surveillance tapes from the bar then," Olivia said in response to Fin "see everyone who interacted with her"

"Wait? So, we're going to keep looking into this even though Amanda is clear about her intentions not to cooperate?" Carisi questioned. Not that he didn't want justice for Amanda, he truly did, but he didn't want to go behind her back either.

"She's in shock right now" Olivia explained "her opinions may change in the future, and I want her to have these options if that does occur. Also, we can't be sure that no one is threatening her for her silence right now, remember her history back in Atlanta, Carisi"

"You think a cop did this?" Fin questioned as he read between the lines of Olivia's statement

"I think we need to think about all options, Fin, and the first lead we need to take is against Officer Carlos. Do you remember him?" Olivia asked her old friend

Fin thought back to the night before and nodded his head as he remembered the man and the trick his partner played on him. "Yeah, I remember that horn dog, you think her hurt her?" he was getting ready to strangle the young officer

"We don't know, but I need you and Carisi to talk to him, ask him where he was last night after the bar" Olivia ordered her two detectives "I'll take Amanda home right now and watch her until tonight, but I can't stay the night because of Noah" she looked between Carisi and Fin. "Carisi, can you stay the night with her, and Fin you get the day shift tomorrow"

"I should stay the night with her, she's my partner, Liv" Fin complained at the arrangements his friend and Lieutenant had arbitrarily made.

"Right now, Amanda needs someone who is stable to watch over her, especially tonight. Fin, I trust you with my life, and I know that Amanda feels the same" she began and she could see the protest forming on the older man's lips "but right now, with your emotions fluctuating all over the place, you'll only do her more harm. Trust me on this"

"You're wrong, Liv" Fin said angrily as he pointed his finger at her, it was in this moment, when he looked down at his own outstretched hand remembering the bite mark he had to make earlier just to walk into the same room as Amanda, that he realized he was indeed out of sorts and not in the best mindset to care for his partner. That didn't make him feel any better, though. "Fine" he said with gritted teeth, he turned his head toward the younger detective "but you better do right by her" he gave Carisi a stern warning.

"You know I will, I care for her just as much as you"

 **A/N: Fin didn't seem to take any of this well and Amanda will continue to be difficult, unfortunately for the rest of her team, and this will lead to conflict. I know that some of you wanted it to be Olivia who stayed the night with Amanda, but I have reasons for setting up everything like it is :) I hope you guys liked this chapter. I have the next few chapters already outlined, I just need to find the time to actually write them hehe :) thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it!**


	6. The Nanny

**A/N: A little faster update to make up for the long wait last time :)**

Olivia tried to keep her eyes straight ahead on the road and not on the blonde detective who sat in the seat right next to her. The car ride from the hospital was awkwardly silent with Amanda refusing to acknowledge her boss's mere presence, and try as she might, Olivia couldn't help but to sneak peeks at the younger woman. Amanda had been allowed to change back into her own clothes before she left the hospital, hiding the bruises on her arms. Her whole demeanor screamed to be left alone, with her left leg pulled up to her chest held by her arm wrapped around it and her head resting on the top of her knee looking straight out the window.

"Can you not stare" Amanda mumbled without turning her head, the younger woman couldn't see Olivia but she could feel her eyes boring into her.

"I'm not… I wasn't…" Olivia tried to say but gave up with a small sigh. When Amanda had spoken, she was in fact staring. "I'm sorry Amanda" Olivia began again "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm just worried about you"

"Don't be" Amanda stated flatly still not looking away from the window

"That's easier said than done" Olivia replied, "even if I believed your claim about having rough consensual sex…" the elder woman noticed the sharp flinch of Amanda's body as she spoke those words "that doesn't eliminate the fact that you passed out in the locker room and hit your head"

"Yeah, but the doctor said I was fine, and I only fell because of dehydration and not eating. I won't do that again" Amanda clarified. She sat up straight as they pulled up to her building, luckily, they were able to find parking right in front. "Thanks for the ride, Liv" Amanda said as she opened her door and got out.

"Oh, no you don't" Olivia responded loudly as she quickly left her car to catch up with the younger woman "You may say you're fine, but the doctor only let you come home because we said we would watch you for the next 24 hours. You can hate this all you want but I can't leave you alone"

Amanda turned around quickly at her boss's words. She was going to retort with an angry comment about her not being a child needing constant supervision but was stopped as the world around her began to spin. She swayed slightly on her feet but was caught by Olivia before her legs gave out. "Whoa, Amanda" Olivia exclaimed as she held onto the younger woman "I've got you. Do you need to sit down for a second?"

"No," Amanda said as she pulled away from Olivia once she regained control "I… I just haven't eaten yet. That was nothing" Olivia gave her a pointed look, and Amanda couldn't pretend that her near fainting spell hadn't almost happened again. "Fine, you can stay and help me watch Jesse for a little while" she looked down at her watch "this is about the time my nanny needs to leave anyway, she has classes in the afternoon today". That wasn't exactly the reason why Olivia needed to be there, but if it got her in the door she'd take it.

Silence once again overtook them as both women made their way up to the third floor of that apartment building. Amanda made sure to stand at least a few inches in front of Olivia the whole time because she didn't want to see Olivia staring at her, the compassion and concern she found in the elder woman's eyes was eating her up inside.

Amanda knew by keeping her mouth closed she was only hurting the people she cared about most, but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to tell them. If she spoke about the night before it would only become all the more real. That fact that she couldn't protect herself, for the second time, was destroying her confidence as a detective in SVU. Amanda hadn't looked at herself in the mirror since the previous night, she was afraid to see the woman who would be staring back at her. For her own sake, she needed to put some time between the incident and herself, she knew she could get over it, or so she kept saying in her head.

"Jesse, Gina" Amanda called as she opened her door. Out of habit she placed her keys and purse on the counter and stepped into the apartment.

"Mama!" a joyful Jesse exclaimed as she walked out from behind the couch. The one and a half year old's face lit up as she saw her mother and she ran as fast as she could to her. Without hesitation, Amanda bent down and lifted her daughter into her arms and held her close, practically breathing in the innocence of her daughter. A stark difference to the guilt and shame that was raging in her mind.

"You're back a little early" Gina, Amanda's nanny, said as she stood from the spot she had just been playing with Jesse.

"Yeah well… things were slower than usual at the precinct today" Amanda explained carefully as she cast a quick glance at her boss, wondering if the elder woman was going to correct her but Olivia stayed silent. "Gina, I don't think you've met her yet" Amanda began as she waved a small hand toward the elder woman "but this is my boss, Lieutenant Olivia Benson"

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant," Gina said as she held out her hand. The nanny was a woman in her early twenties with light brown hair and dark eyes "I've actually heard about you and Noah from Lucy, she's my roommate" she explained. When Amanda was about to have Jesse, she had no idea where to begin in searching for a nanny. So, she asked Benson if Lucy could recommend anyone she knew, and Gina was it.

"Please call me Olivia," Benson said as she returned the handshake with a smile "and I've heard some wonderful things about you as well from Lucy"

"Okay, Olivia" Gina responded with a smile "I have to say, I have seen you on the news before and I can't be more grateful for the work you and Amanda do" she cast a look to the mother and daughter pair before returning her gaze to the elder brunette. "I have a relative who was a victim of sexual assault, not in New York, and she never got the justice she deserved, she never came forward to the police. I saw it destroy her" as the nanny said this Amanda slightly twisted away from the others and squeezed her daughter closer to herself. while Gina didn't notice Amanda's reaction to her words Olivia certainly did "That's why I can't thank you and Amanda enough for being such strong advocates, and always urging people to come forward, letting them know they will be believed and to feel no shame in what was done to them"

"It means a lot that you would say that, Gina, and I'm so sorry for what happened to your relative" Olivia answered honestly still casting short glances to her blonde detective from the corner of her eye.

Gina nodded her head and checked the time on her phone "well, I best be going, I can maybe study before my next class starts if I hurry now" she patted her pocket for her keys and slightly hit her head in an aha moment "Jesse was playing with my keys in her room" she said with a smile and walked back into the messy toddler room to find them.

The moment Gina was out of sight, Amanda handed Jesse to the elder woman. "I need to take a shower," she said with slight urgency in her voice. A shower was all she had thought about since that morning and being only a few feet away didn't help.

"Wait, Amanda, you should eat something first." Olivia warned, remembering how only a few minutes ago the younger woman almost fell again "What if you pass out in the shower, you'll end up straight back in the hospital"

Amanda huffed and walks to grab a banana from her kitchen counter "fine. I'll eat this before I go in" she said adamantly, holding the fruit tightly in her hand. "I'll even leave the door unlocked" she added when she could see the protest forming on Olivia's lips "but don't you dare, barge in there"

"I would never invade your privacy like that unless it was in your own best interest" Olivia responded to the threat in Amanda's voice "but, please, don't do this. I'll ask one last time, just hold off on taking a shower, eat a substantial meal and think about this" she tried, knowing that her words were having no effect on her youngest detective.

"I'm not going to talk about this anymore with you!" Amanda yelled angrily at the elder woman causing Jesse to cry out at the sudden loud noise. It was also at this moment when Amanda noticed Gina standing in the doorway of Jesse's room, her keys dangling from her hand. Instantly, Amanda felt embarrassed. She didn't want Gina to have any idea about what was going on. Not knowing what else to do, she pursed her lips and turned on her heels walking straight into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. Moments later, the shower was heard being turned on.

"Um… I guess I'll just be going now" Gina said in an awkward voice as she gathered her belongings and headed for the door.

"Wait" Olivia called out before the young nanny could leave "I need to ask you a few things"

Cautiously, Gina turned around to look back at the SVU Lieutenant who was expertly balancing Jesse on her hip. "What kind of things?" she quested timidly, not sure why Olivia would want to speak with her.

"About last night, when Amanda came home. What time was that, and did anything seem off to you?" Olivia asked simply getting straight to the point. She needed to know Amanda's timeline from the night before. When Fin and Carisi get the video surveillance from the bar, they can figure out the time Amanda left but it does them little good unless they also know what time she returned home. This would then give them the time frame in which the attack could have occurred.

"Well, she came home a little later than she said she would" Gina began carefully. She didn't want to betray Amanda's trust by giving intimate details about the young mother to her boss, but she had noticed Amanda's strange behavior the night before and that day. Gina was worried about her and she figured Olivia was too.

"And what time was this?" Olivia questioned again

"About two am I think," Gina said as she thought back and then nodded her head more confident "yeah, two am. I remember because Jesse was acting fussy so I was walking around while bouncing her, I looked at the clock right before Amanda came through the door" the younger woman added as she finished explaining

"And what was Amanda's demeanor… did she seem off… or agitated?" Olivia continued to question. Gina thought hard about this one, not because she wasn't sure what to say, more like she wasn't sure if she should say it. Olivia could tell the younger woman felt conflicted about telling her something. "Look, I'm not trying to get Amanda in trouble, I don't care if she was drunk or not. I just want to know if something looked wrong"

"Okay, I um… I don't know if I can describe it well but um... she seemed a little unsteady on her feet when she came home" Gina began to explain "her clothes… well, she looked a little roused, her clothes looked off, like too messy, not the way she would normally appear. It also looked like she had been crying" Gina said sadly "Is she alright? Did something happen?" after reviewing her own words about Amanda's behavior, Gina could tell that something bigger was going on.

Olivia sighed "that's what I'm trying to figure out actually, she had a little fall at work and hit her head" she explained as she shifted Jesse from one hip to the other to give her left arm a rest "she won't be heading into work tomorrow. You know what, when you come to take care of Jesse in the morning, can you take her out of the apartment so Amanda can rest without being too distracted? How about a play date with my son, Noah?" she asked the smaller woman. Olivia knew that if Jesse was at the apartment with Gina and Fin, Amanda would never be able to rest like she should. Or possibly confide in Fin about what truly happened after she left the bar.

"I have no problem with that, it'll be Friday, we can take them to the petting Zoo in the park. I'll have to ask Amanda in the morning, though, just to be sure" Gina said a slight nod

"Thank you" Olivia smiled softly, feeling slightly better knowing that Jesse would be taken care "now, is that everything strange that happened last night… what about this morning?" Olivia asked one last time trying to get as much information before the sitter had to leave.

"Well, now that you mention it… when Amanda came home last night she hardly said two words to me. She just took Jesse and cradled her close to her chest on the couch" she gestured to the small brown sofa against the wall "but, when I came back this morning… I have a key, so I let myself in... they were still in that same position. She must have fallen asleep like that. I gently woke her up and she seemed to panic"

"Panic?" Olivia cut in "What do you mean by that?" she prodded further

"Well, she sat up straight too fast and held Jesse with one hand while she pushed me back with her other, I actually fell back, but I startled her so I wasn't mad. Amanda did seem out of breath, but then she cursed and ran to her bedroom to change, she knew she was late. She was out of the house in all of five minutes" Olivia now understood why Amanda hadn't taken a shower earlier, even though it seemed like all she could think about now. Amanda must have been seeking comfort from her daughter before she passed out for the night, and was frantic because she couldn't take a shower before going to work. "There was one more thing that was strange this morning" Gina added bringing Olivia out from her thoughts. "When Amanda was leaving… I saw her run to the trash can and throw away the clothes she had on last night"

"She threw them away?" Olivia said a little louder than she had anticipated "are they still in the trash?" she asked as she indicated the small container on the kitchen floor, near the counter.

"No, I emptied the trash when I took Jesse on a walk today," Gina said with a small apologetic shrug "but trash pickup hasn't happened yet, there's a good chance they're still in the dumpster out in the alley… if you want to get them" she added. Gina had started to put together why Olivia was being so curious with Amanda. As she said earlier, a relative of her's was sexually assaulted before, and Amanda matched some of her behavior. Gina hoped she was wrong, but she wasn't going to ask either way.

"Thank you, Gina, honestly, you have been an immense help," Olivia said sincerely as she walked the younger woman out. As soon as she shut the door, she pulled out her phone and called CSU to go through the dumpsters of Amanda's apartment building. If she had been wearing those clothes during her assault, there was a good chance that Amanda's attacker's DNA was on them. This was their chance to catch the guy who had hurt the young mother. If it was the cop from the bar as they suspected, his DNA would be in the system and they would get a match. "I'm coming for you, you son of a bitch," Olivia said with determination after she had hung up with CSU.

"Bits," Jesse said suddenly, imitating Olivia with a giggle "son bits"

"Oh, Jesse" Olivia sighed with a slight smile on her face and a slight shake of her head "don't say that" she elder woman felt slightly guilty teaching Jesse her first curse word. Still, Olivia was happy for the fact that they were making progress on the case. She only hoped Amanda would understand what they are doing for her when they do get to the truth.

 **A/N: One step closer to finding out the truth :) I hope I'm not dragging this out too long? I usually come out quickly with who did what in my stories, even if it takes longer for the characters to learn, I wanted to try and keep some mystery in this story not straight out confirm who the rapist was until the characters found out as well. Thanks for reading :) and especially for the reviews.**


	7. Not Understanding

**A/N: There is some coarser language in this chapter than what I usually have. I'm not typically one for such harsh language but I felt it appropriate here in regards to the strong emotions being displayed.**

"I need to know if I can trust you in there?" Carisi questioned seriously as they pulled in front of the two nine precinct, the police station officer Carlos worked from. Once Olivia had left to help Amanda settle in at her apartment, and to keep an eye on the younger woman, Fin and Carisi went about tracking down Officer Carlos's whereabouts. As it so happened, he had just returned to the station to file some reports, this was their chance to talk with him before he had a sense of what they were up to.

"I'm not a rookie man," Fin said with a glare as he stepped out of the car and headed toward the building with fast steps "I know how to conduct myself during an investigation"

"I'm not saying you don't, but this is Amanda," Carisi said softly, as he spoke her name Fin gradually began to slow his pace "this could be the man that hurt her... I know how much you care for her. I feel the same, but we don't have any evidence yet pointing to Carlos. We can't act rashly"

"Yeah, well, if you feel the same as I do then why are you giving me this speech" Fin bit back annoyed. Every second Carisi wasted his time out there was another moment longer it would take for his partner to get justice.

"Because I want to go in there and punch the living daylights out of that son of a bitch, and he hasn't even said anything yet" Carisi admitted in a faint voice "I don't want to screw this up, and I know you don't want that either"

Fin gave a slight head nod, opting not to say anything, before turning back around and walking into the building. They walked up to the front counter and showed their badges "I'm detective Tutuola this is detective Carisi, we're from SVU" Fin began to explain to the desk officer "we need to talk with officer Carlos"

"Okay, do you... Fin?" the female officer began before she recognized the dark-skinned detective. There was no sign of recognition on Fin's face, however, "it's me Sherry Hansmen, never mind, I was only here a few months before you left Vice"

Suddenly Fin's face lit up "little Sherry? Whoa, it's been a long time... seventeen years" he had finally been able to place the petite blonde's face. He remembered this fiery woman, her determination and brutal honestly one of his favorite qualities about her. She was straight out of the academy the last he saw her.

"Yeah, time seems to be flying" she answered as she leaned back from the desk revealing her swollen belly.

"You're pregnant" Fin stated the obvious

"Fantastic job, detective, you figured out my secret" the woman in her late thirties said with a smile "in all seriousness, did you need Carlos for something he left at that party of yours last night..." she gave them a cold calculating stare as she gently rubbed her baby bump "or is it on more official terms?"

"I can't tell you that," Fin said honestly "we just need to speak with him, it won't take long"

Sherry nodded and gave them directions to Carlos's desk before waving them on "well, I hope that bastard gets what's coming to him if it's something official. Damn jerk can't keep it in his pants and doesn't stay around long enough to..." she mumbled to herself but stopped once she realized the two SVU detectives had heard her.

"Sherry?" Fin questioned and returned his gaze toward the younger woman "Did Carlos do something to you?" he couldn't help but clench his fists as he asked the question. He was beginning to have no doubt about this guy as their prime suspect.

"Nothing that should concern SVU, although, I will say that I'm not surprised in the least you've come knocking..." she said quietly as she looked back down at her work, before lifting her head to check if people were around "please, just forget that. I have a lot of work to do now"

Fin begrudgingly walked further into the police station with Carisi close behind "seems like Carlos has a history if what that officer said carries any weight. We should look at his file once we have enough to get a warrant for it" Carisi stated knowing that since it was a fellow officer they were considering, it would be difficult to get his file without substantial evidence. The NYPD liked to protect their own, even if a few rotten apples laid in the mix.

Fin was about to tell Carisi that Sherry wouldn't lie to them, but he was stopped when he saw the smug face of officer Carlos. "Bastard" Fin snarled as he took a step toward the unaware man.

"Fin" Carisi's voice held an unspoken warning which kept him in place "remember, we need this done right for Amanda" the elder man only grunted in response before he continued to walk toward their unsuspecting target.

"Carlos, we need ta talk" Fin spoke loudly to get the younger officer's attention from across the crowded and busy room

Carlos turned sharply at the sound of his voice and gave a look of confusion as the two SVU detectives approached him "uh, can I help you fellas?" the uniformed officer asked as he grabbed onto his belt with both hands.

"Yeah, actually you can. You were at O'Connell's last night, right?" Carisi asked in a friendly voice, knowing that once they had Carlos on the defensive it would be harder to get him to talk with them.

"I was... yeah, you guys were there too" he squinted as if that would help clear his mind about the night before "wasn't it your party?" he added as he indicated Fin with a head nod

"It was" Fin strained to keep his voice even "but we want to talk about your night, did you do anything interesting after you left the bar?"

Carlos gave them a suspicious glance "nothing that's any of your business" he could see their badges on their belts and knew that they were SVU. He had enough smarts to keep tight lipped.

"Actually, it is our business" Carisi interrupted. He realized that Carlos wouldn't be so forthcoming with information "you see a woman was sexually assaulted last night, and your name has come up. We just need to get your side of the story" he explained trying to sound as neutral as possible "we don't actually think a cop is capable of doing what this woman claims, but you know... protocol and all. If we don't ask you at least a few questions the lady can sue the NYPD"

"That bitch" Carlos spat, anger and shock played across his face. Fin had to fight hard not to react to the words coming from the younger man's mouth "she thinks she can call that rape? She was acting like a slut, she wanted it regardless of what she says now. She even begged me to give it to her rough. That fucking whore" he spat as he grabbed his own chin and looked at the floor in deep concentration and disgust.

Fin saw red and was about to lunge at the man before him, but luckily Carisi had seen it coming and stepped in front of the elder man before Carlos could see the homicidal rage in the other detective's eyes. "Just to be sure, can you give us the name of this woman?" Carlos looked up at him in complete surprise, he wanted Carlos to say in his own words that it was Amanda he was with

"I don't learn these bitches' names, I one and done them, and before this, no one had dared to complain," he said with disdain in his voice

"No one dares huh, do you threaten them?" Fin accused after regaining more self-control, but the furry was still evident in his body language

"The fuck, man? You have it out for me or something?" Carlos accused them as he took a step back "you know what, forget this shit. I'm not talking to you again without my union rep. and lawyer here. So, unless you want to make fools of the SVU right now and arrest me on bogus charges, you better leave now"

"These aren't bogus claims, pretty boy" Fin taunted back as he almost got in Carlos's face, but Carisi was able to hold him back "and you better stay in town... we'll be in touch, very soon" he finished as he was finally pulled away by the younger detective. The pair left the scene they had just caused in the two nine precinct without a glance back, knowing that a room full of eyes had followed them out.

* * *

It was getting late and Olivia had finally put Jesse down for the night after feeding her one of the pre-made dinners the nanny had left in the fridge. The seasoned SVU Lieutenant had walked back into the kitchen after leaving the baby's room to get a glass of water, it was at this moment that she realized how long Amanda was in the shower. It had been a good forty minutes since the blonde had disappeared into the bathroom, and as of that moment, Olivia could no longer hear the water running. She silently cursed at herself for getting so absorbed into taking care of the precious child that she had temporarily forgotten about her true charge.

"Amanda?" Olivia knocked on the bathroom door "Amanda, if you don't answer me in two seconds I'm coming in" she finished, still no response. Without further hesitation, Olivia turned the doorknob, which to her great relief was unlocked.

A wall of hot steam assaulted Olivia's face the moment she stepped into the small bathroom. It took the elder woman a moment to find where Amanda was through the thick water vapor. "Amanda," Olivia called with concern as she saw the young mother sitting on top of the toilet seat, a towel wrapped around her body, hair drip drying onto her back. "Honey, can you hear me?" she questioned carefully as she approached the unmoving detective.

Olivia could see from the corner of her eye the uneaten banana Amanda had promised to consume before she had gotten in the shower. A promise made only to assuage Olivia's fears against her fainting again. The elder woman shook her head in disappointment and concern, her eyes then traveled down to the dark bruises that were very noticeable on her detective's body because of the stark contrast of Amanda's pale skin.

"Hey, I'm going to help you up okay," Olivia said slowly before she placed her hands on Amanda. She didn't know if the younger woman was trapped in a flashback or if she was simply out of it due to the lack of food in her system.

As soon as Olivia had made contact with Amanda's skin, the younger woman jumped "Olivia" she breathed out as if it was the first breath she had taken in several minutes. "What are you... when did you?" she questioned confused at the presence of the elder woman.

"It's okay" Olivia held her hands up in a peaceful gesture "you've been in here a long time and didn't answer me when I knocked so I came in to check on you" she explained "come on, let me help you up and get dressed. You need to eat something or else you're going to pass out"

At Olivia offer of help, Amanda's eyes had become wide "No, I don't need your help" she said as she pushed the elder woman away and stood up on her own power. The sudden movement, however, caught her tired body off guard and she faltered, luckily Olivia was able to steady her before she fell. "Don't touch me... please, don't touch me," Amanda said in a strained voice as she struggled to get away from her boss and regain her balance. The moment she could stand on her own, the younger woman escaped to her bedroom and to her great dismay, Olivia had followed her.

"I'm sorry, Amanda, I was only trying to help" Olivia apologized, knowing full well how important personal space was to some victims after their assault, but she couldn't let the younger woman simply fall.

"Help?" Amanda repeated as she faced her boss, still wearing nothing but her towel. "Don't pretend that you care about me. This..." she gestured to the elder woman and to her room to indicate Olivia's current guardian status over her "is only to assuage your own conscience, this is because you pity me, not because you actually care about me" she scoffed at the mere idea that the elder woman would give two shits about her wellbeing if she hadn't been victimized.

"Amanda, I do care about you..." Olivia began but was cut off by the younger woman

"Oh, please," Amanda said with anger lacing her voice "you haven't liked me since the moment I stepped into the one six. You've disregarded me since day one, and it has only gotten worse since you took command of SVU. I know I'm no angel and I have trouble following orders, but from what I've heard you were the same. For some reason, though, I'm your main target. I get yelled at and belittled for things that if anyone else were to do, they would have gotten a pass" she ranted with one hand waving in the air for emphasis while the other clutched her towel close to her chest to keep it from falling.

"What about in the forest earlier this week? Yes, I disobeyed you, but the suspect was right there the moment you gave that order. I stopped him from hurting another woman. I did my job, but all I got was desk duty and told I couldn't take care..." she faltered slightly with her words "...of myself..." Amanda's voice trailed off as she finished. She looked at the bruises on her wrists and tears came to her eyes as she realized that perhaps Olivia was right on that account.

Olivia could instantly see the change in Amanda's demeanor, she could tell that the younger woman was blaming herself for her situation and it killed Olivia to think that it was her own words that were putting that thought into her youngest detective's head. "Amanda, you're wrong. I do care about you" she began again as she took a small step forward to get closer to Amanda, but was stopped as she noticed a small furry barrier in-between them.

It had escaped both of their notices, but their commotion had grabbed the attention of Amanda's dog, Franny. The loyal dog feeling the strong emotions of her master came to stand by her side, yet the dog knew enough to not sense the elder woman as a threat, stopping the loyal pet from growling at her.

"I... do care about you, Amanda" Olivia repeated once she removed her eyes from the golden dog weaving its way between them. "And you're right" Amanda looked at Olivia as she said these words "I do treat you differently than the guys, but that's because you're also right about us being similar, I was just as reckless as you" Olivia admitted with a small shrug of her shoulders. "You remind me of myself so much that I don't want to see you take the same risks I did..."

Amanda gave a sly smile with a scoff "you're a hypocrite by that logic" she said bitterly. Olivia was slightly taken aback by the sudden accusation "you became who you are because of those risks you took. You're a Lieutenant because of them, you put the job first, put the victim and the case first. That's how you became known in this field even to me back in Georgia. Just admit it, you don't want others to share the spotlight, you need to be in control of everything. We're all incompetent in your eyes, I'm incompetent in your eyes"

"That's bullshit and you know it, Amanda" Olivia fired back instantly "I have every confidence in your abilities as a detective. Do you really think I would put up with your constant insubordination if I didn't see the potential in you?"

"That's a lie" Amanda cut Olivia off again "you don't trust me. If you did you would let me do some things alone, but no. I always have to have one of the guys with me, sometimes you even insist on coming with me yourself on some of the most menial tasks." As Amanda finished these words, Franny walked behind her and caused the younger woman to collapse backward onto the bed, still holding on tightly to the towel which hid her naked and injured body from her boss.

The sudden embarrassment from the fall combined with the entire day's events became overwhelming for Amanda. "Fuck" she hissed as she sat up on the bed, dizzy from the sudden change in elevation. Her cheeks burned red and all Amanda wished for was to be left alone, and then it hit her. This was her home, not work, she could tell Olivia exactly where to shove it.

"Amanda?" Olivia tried as she again took a step closer to the younger woman, this time Franny allowed it

"Fuck off Olivia," Amanda said as she kept her head turned away from her boss "get out, leave me alone" Olivia didn't move "leave me alone, or what... you don't trust me enough to even get dressed on my own now?"

"Dammit, Amanda" Olivia cursed getting tired of trying to push through the walls the younger woman kept on throwing up "I trust you, please, believe me, I trust you. It's me that I don't trust" Olivia said honestly, causing Amanda to stare at her in confusion. "Everything you said was correct, in some regards, I don't let you go out alone, but it's not because I don't trust in your abilities to do your job... I don't trust myself to do mine."

"What are you talking about?" Amanda questioned, not sure where Olivia was coming from

"It's my fault" Olivia began "I'm the reason Dodds is dead. I led him straight to his death..." Olivia paused to take a breath, she could feel the hot tears streaming down her face "I failed him, but I can't let that happen again. I can't lose anyone else, Amanda. You take the biggest risks out of anyone else in my squad, so my focus is usually on you. I was always so rough on you because I don't want to go to your funeral as well. I can't do that to Jesse. I only wanted to protect you from yourself... and from me" she paused again, this time trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop falling "but I... I fail you. I couldn't protect you last night. I knew I should have gone to that party, I felt something bad was going to happen. I could have gone, I lied about not having a backup sitter for Noah. I'm sorry, Amanda..."

Amanda was stunned. She could see the pure grief written on Olivia's face. She understood that the elder woman truly blamed herself for Amanda's assault, and how it was tearing Olivia up on the inside. "You shouldn't blame yourself. This is in no way your fault. I was the one who got too drunk to stop him. This is no one's fault but my own and I have to live with that" she calmly stated as she could feel her own eyes begin to water.

"That's not true, Amanda," Olivia said firmly "you know you're not to blame for the actions of others. What would you tell a victim in the exact same situation you're in now? Would you tell her it was her fault and she just needed to move on?" Olivia added knowing that this was something Amanda would never tell a rape survivor.

"Liv, if this would have happened to someone else... it wouldn't be the exact same situation," Amanda said with a sad but quiet voice. The tears that had been threatening to fall from Amanda's eyes had finally pushed past her breaking point.

"I don't understand?" Olivia responded

"You don't have too"

 **A/N: This was a pretty fun chapter to write :) I hope it flowed well. I usually have certain key points I need to get to and it can be hard to maneuver the dialogue to get there and not seem awkward. So, Carlos is a douche bag and Amanda is still tight-lipped, but it's almost all coming together :) Thanks for reading and for leaving those reviews, they always make me smile!**


	8. Pizza and Secrets

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay school and other person issues kept me from writing. Trigger Warning in this chapter, there is some mention of sexual abuse of a minor, no details, but it's still there.**

Olivia stood confused as she faced her still towel covered detective. The elder woman replayed Amanda's last statement in her head ' _if it had been someone else it wouldn't have been the exact same situation... you don't have to understand'_. It felt like hours to Olivia as she stood there just watching the tears stream down Amanda's face. Olivia was close, she knew it. Amanda had just admitted that she was assaulted, in so many words, something she had been denying before. If only she could push a little more, she may be able... ring ring

The sharp sound of Olivia's phone ringing cut through whatever momentum she was gaining with Amanda. The elder woman slowly took her eyes away from her youngest detective to looked at her pocket which held the accursed device. The device that stole her chance of reaching Amanda away. "Aren't you going to get that Liv?" Amanda questioned as she quickly wiped the tears from her face.

"I... I don't have to, Amanda, you're my top priority right now. Everything else can wait" Olivia breathed out carefully while her phone still rang. She could feel that she was losing her.

"No, you're the Lieutenant. It could be something important" Amanda stated calmly

Olivia was about to say that she was important too, but Amanda had already turned her back and started to retrieve her pajamas from her dresser. With a sigh, Olivia answered her phone. It was a short call, Fin and Carisi had finished talking with Carlos and had just picked up some dinner and were on their way over. As soon as Olivia ended the call she heard Amanda clear her throat, once again gaining the elder woman's undivided attention.

"Um... I think I'm ready to put some clothes on now" the young blonde detective said as she slightly held up her nightwear in her arms.

Olivia nodded in understanding. She still wanted to talk but knew it was unfair to keep Amanda trapped in nothing but a towel for much longer. "Alright, but I'll be right outside the door if you need anything," Olivia said, still worried that Amanda was going to have another fainting spell. The younger woman had yet to eat anything that day.

"Well, that's a little creepy," Amanda said with a small half smirk. She knew Olivia was worried about her, and in all honesty, Amanda appreciated that her boss and coworkers cared so much. She, however, didn't want to set the elder woman off in another 'heart to heart' conversation mode; so, she tried her hand at a little lighthearted humor to ease the atmosphere.

"Well, it wouldn't be as creepy as me staying in here and watching you change" Olivia responded with her own light quip. If anything, she was relieved to see that, even at this time, Amanda still had that spark of sass in her. "Oh, and that was the guys" she added as she stopped at the door "they're heading over now with some pizza. And you're going to eat some, you hear, even if I must force feed you like I do Noah. It's either that or a return trip to the hospital" she finished just as she closed the bedroom door behind her. She may have said it in a playful tone, but Olivia was serious about Amanda eating. If she wasn't going to take care of herself she and the guys would have to do it for her.

The boys had managed to time their arrival with Amanda's exit from the restroom, freshly dressed in her baggy NYPD sweats that she used as Pajamas when she felt sick or lazy. "Hey, baby girl" Fin greeted with a shining smile as he walked in the apartment with his arms full of pizza boxes, Carisi was close behind with large 2-liter soda bottles in his hands and a backpack slung over his shoulder. They had decided against beer considering Amanda's situation. Carisi lightly dropped his bag on the floor, without Amanda's notice as Fin started to open the box of Pizza, "I picked up your favorite, meat lovers supreme with bell peppers and onions on top..." he said with a little twitch of his nose. He hated this pizza "and of course, normal pizza for the rest of us" he added with a mischievous smirk. Fin was trying his hardest to make the mood light in front of Amanda, he didn't want to be the one to keep her in the dark places her mind would probably take her.

"What are you talking about?" Carisi spoke up reaching for a slice of Amanda's pizza "who doesn't like onions and bell peppers on pizza?" he happily took a bite of the mixed pie, moaning in appreciation at the taste.

"Should have figured you would like that Frankenstein of a meal" Fin retorted back as he grabbed a slice for himself, from the other box of course.

"Stop it you two" Olivia gently chided at the antics of the boys, she knew they were just trying to keep the mood up for Amanda "besides, aren't you supposed to wait until the ladies have some food before you devour your own"

"Well, Carisi did take the first bite, Liv, so Fin almost had it right" Amanda joked with a small smirk, causing everyone but Carisi to burst out in laughter. Amanda had always liked to tease Carisi, the Italian detective made it too easy; and for a moment, she almost forgot why everyone was there. It felt like just any other afternoon get together with some friends. Almost.

The next half an hour had passed in relatively the same way, some lighthearted quips, most at Carisi's expense. Much to Olivia's relief, Amanda had actually been able to eat a whole slice of pizza. The younger woman had grabbed a second one, but ended up only using it to feed Franny under the table when she thought no one was looking. Regardless, Olivia was content that Amanda had at least some food in her now.

A sudden cry from the baby's room drew everyone's attention away from the food "she must have gone poop, I swear, my daughter will fight you head to toe in changing her diaper but at the same time can't stand to have it dirty for more than a minute" Amanda said as she stood from the counter she was leaning against to attend to Jesse.

"I can get it" Carisi offered, he had changed Jesse many times before and he knew that Amanda was not joking about how difficult her daughter could be in that arena.

"Nah, I got it, but ya can start cleaning up the trash," she said as she walked away and shut the door to her daughter's room behind her.

Olivia, Fin, and Carisi all stood to clean up. "So, did you guys get anything from Carlos?" Olivia questioned, she had wanted to know earlier but had to wait until Amanda was out of earshot.

"Nah, the bastard didn't give us anything," Fin said bitterly as he cleared everyone's dishes. "He's a real piece of work, though, he practically bragged about how he treats the ladies with no respect, adding that they don't dare complain against him"

"You think he has something over Amanda's head?" Olivia responded, wondering if that was the reason her youngest detective was being so tight-lipped about what happened.

"I don't know, Lieu" Carisi answered her with a shake of his head "but this guy... he just angers me to death" he grunted out "this bastard and how he acts... what he is, is a betrayal of everything the NYPD stands for. People like him are the rot that destroys the faith placed in the police"

"I know Carisi" Olivia agreed with his sentiments "and we're going to get him for this, especially with the evidence I was able to send to CSU". Fin and Carisi gave her a confused glance, she had not yet told them what she had discovered. "Jesse's nanny told me how Amanda acted the night of the assault, she came home at two, was certainly not fine and fell asleep clutching onto Jesse. The nanny found her on the couch still holding Jesse in the morning, she didn't have time to take a shower yet, but she did throw away the clothes she was wearing during her assault. I got those clothes to the crime lab to have them tested for DNA. That coupled with the bar footage we'll be getting tomorrow should seal the case for us" Olivia explained quickly, knowing that Amanda could walk out any moment.

"We got him," Fin said happily, although his face was stern. He couldn't help picturing himself throwing Carlos into the jail cell, hoping he tripped on his way in.

"Yes, since he's a cop, we have his DNA. There's going to be no denying it. After we have everything, hopefully, Amanda would agree to press charges, having nothing else to fear from Carlos" Olivia said right before Amanda walked out from the baby's room, dirty diaper in hand.

"I put her back down," Amanda said as she walked into the kitchen to dispose of the soiled pamper "and it looks like y'all finished out here as well" she added as she looked at her now spotless table.

"You know I wouldn't let them leave a mess here." Olivia gave a head nod towards the boys "well, it's been a long day for all of us. I think everyone could use some shut eye; and, I need to get home to Noah" she added as she reached for her coat to head out.

"Wait... what? I thought you were going to stay the night?" Amanda questioned. She knew that the doctor wanted someone with her for the next twenty-four hours, someone needed to wake her up every two hours all night because of her head injury. She wasn't all that thrilled about that prospect, but she was simply surprised by the sudden change.

"I..." Olivia began but then sighed "I'm sorry Amanda, I forgot to tell you the arraignments huh"

Amanda crossed her arms angrily "yeah, so what the hell's going on then?" she glared at Olivia before glancing at the boys with almost a frightful look.

"Carisi's going to spend the night with you, and Fin will be here in the morning to watch you during the day..." Olivia explained but then trailed off as she began to sense the trepidation coming from the younger woman. "If that's alright with you?" she added. Olivia was beginning to wonder if having the guys stay with Amanda was a bad idea. Yes, Amanda trusted them, but at the same time, a male cop had just raped her. Olivia now questioned if Amanda may be afraid to alone with them.

When Amanda had still not responded to Olivia's question, the elder woman spoke again "Amanda, if you really don't want me to leave, I can stay, but I would need to bring Noah here. I just thought adding another kid to the mix wasn't in your best interest"

"Baby girl" Fin interrupted "do you want me to stay instead of Carisi" he cast a no offense look to the younger man. He had worked the closest with Amanda, he would understand if she wanted him there over Carisi.

"No, no. Everything is already decided. I don't want to mess any of that up" Amanda said with a flippant wave of her hand.

"No, Amanda, this is about you" Carisi explained "if you don't want me here tonight, I have no hard feelings about that. I want you to feel safe"

"Well, you guys know me, I would rather none of you stayed over to wake me up all damn night," she said sarcastically "but, no, Carisi, please stay"

"Good, because I already brought a change of clothes and my toothbrush," Carisi said with a smile as she indicated toward the small backpack he had brought in earlier "I just love slumber parties" he added, which caused everyone in the room to roll their eyes.

Carisi went to change in the restroom while Amanda walked Olivia and Fin to the door. Before Fin left, he made sure to grab onto Amanda's hand "if you want me to come back... no matter the time or reason, just call. I'll be here" he finished before Amanda took back her hand, gently rubbing the area he had taken, and thanked him for the offer.

"So, it's just you and me," Carisi said after Amanda had shut the door to her apartment. He had long plaid pajama pants on and a plain NYPD shirt. Before Amanda could respond, Franny jumped up on Carisi "well, you, me and Franny" he corrected

"She likes you" Amanda observed "but probably not so much when you're sleeping on her bed tonight" Amanda pointed at the couch

"That's okay, we can share" he cooed as he bent down to rub the big dog's head. "we're going to be roommates aren't we girl..." Carisi continued to talk to Franny as Amanda walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind her. "Mommy's not feeling well" he whispered into the dog's ear after Amanda had left "but I promise to do everything in my power to make her feel better"

After the long day he had had, Carisi fell asleep in no time. Luckily for him, he had set his alarm to go off every two hours so he could do his job and check on Amanda. The first time that night Carisi had entered Amanda's room to check on her, he was surprised to find the young mother still awake and not even under the covers yet. She said she had just finished a book she had been meaning to read for months, and that she would be heading to bed that moment. The next time he checked on her, Amanda was under the covers, but he could tell that she had only been pretending to sleep when he came to wake her up. He did not mention it to her. It was only when he came to wake her at 4 am that Amanda had truly nodded off.

Carisi could see the young blonde on her bed. She was withering in her sleep as if she was in the midst of fighting for her life. Carisi could see the beads of sweat on her forehead. "Amanda?" he whispered trying to wake her gently, but the young blonde stayed trapped in her nightmare. "Amanda, it' me Carisi, you're having a nightmare," he said a little louder, Amanda only reacted by fighting harder.

"Olivia... help" Amanda whimpered, Carisi's heart tightened as he heard this. Amanda was reliving her attack and he wondered if she had called for them like that when it was actually occurring. "Carisi... get him off me... please, it hurts..." her voice was starting to get louder and her breathing became rapid. Carisi couldn't take the sight before him any longer and grabbed onto Amanda's shoulders "Fin please..." Amanda was able to say before her eyes popped open as a result of Carisi's sudden movements.

Once Amanda was awake, Carisi instantly let go of his charge. He could see the fear through the haze in her eyes and didn't want her to think she was still under attack. "Amanda, you're safe, I promise. You're at home" he said slowly and clearly as Amanda had pushed herself against the headboard of her bed to get away from the man who had woken her up. Carisi stood very still by her bed as Amanda fought to control her breathing.

"Car... Carisi?" Amanda was finally able to say after a few seconds "when did... I didn't mean to fall asleep". Carisi had assumed that Amanda was avoiding sleep in fear of the nightmares she was bound to have, this only made Carisi hate Carlos even more. Not only was he haunting them all during their waking hours, but now Amanda had to be haunted by him as she slept.

"I'm sorry, Amanda, I'm so sorry," Carisi said as he felt his own throat tighten up at his words. It killed him to see his partner like this.

Amanda looked at the standing detective in confusion "what do mean, Carisi? Why are you apologizing?"

Carisi ran a hand through his hair to gather his thoughts "this whole messed up situation, the very reason why I have to be here right now. What happened to you..."

"What happened to me doesn't change the way you think about me, does it?" Amanda interrupted him in a quiet and almost frightened voice. That was the second reason why she didn't want anyone to know about her assault.

"God no, Amanda, I don't think any less of you... I'm thinking about this world. We owe our jobs to the most deplorable people in this city, terrible things happen every day, but for it to happen to someone you care about... it just hurts, even more so than when it happens to yourself" Carisi said with a sorrowful sigh, he closed his eyes tightly, and blinked back some tears. "I want to help you, Amanda, but to really do that, I need you to talk to me" Amanda was about to speak up but Carisi pushed further "and I know you don't want to. You don't have to, but I still can't help but want that"

Amanda digested his words for a few moments "I know Carisi, you're a great guy with a big heart. It's why you are so good at this job, but..." she paused as she tried to find the best words "I can't talk to you, not about this. It would be too hard, and no good would come of it anyway"

"I know it's hard, I really do" he pursed his lips as he made a decision in his head "and you know what, this whole situation is unfair to you" Amanda looked confused at his words but he continued anyway "it's unfair for me to even think that you would want to share something so personal and traumatic when you never wanted us to know about it in the first place. It takes a certain amount of trust, and I know I don't have that with you yet, so it's unfair that your secret was revealed like it was"

"Carisi, I don't know what to say to that?" Amanda responded honestly

"You don't have to say anything... but please listen to what I have to say," Carisi said softly. He waved his hand at the spot on the bed next to her, asking for permission to sit down. Amanda nodded "it's unfair for me to know a secret of yours without you knowing a secret of mine"

"You don't have to do that Carisi," Amanda said in earnest, she didn't want him to give part of himself away to her out of guilt, and she also reasoned that anything he would tell wouldn't equal her own experience.

"I know, but I want to" Carisi gave a slight, but sad, smile "and I trust you... this is actually a secret that I've never told anyone" Amanda slowly nodded giving him the go-ahead for the story, she felt honored to have his trust. "It's ah... this is actually the reason for who I am today... why I became a cop," he said as his gaze traveled to the floor.

"I was around ten years old, you know, obnoxious and loud" he gave a slight smile because he knew that some people would still describe him as such "my Ma made me become an altar boy to ya know teach me respect and discipline, as well as to serve God. I still mouthed off sometimes, but back then the church, and most families, still practiced physical punishments like hitting and the like"

He paused to see if Amanda was still listening "I get it, remember, I come from the south. I had to pick out my own switch when I was in trouble" Amanda said lightly, sympathizing with Carisi.

"Yeah, well, it worked for the most part. I did gain respect... somewhat. But then..." he leaned his head back as he gathered his breath. Amanda could tell that they were getting to the difficult part of this story "Father Hadley, he was the priest that I enjoyed serving under the most, in fact, all the kids loved him." Carisi said off hand

"He joked with me, he never yelled or disciplined me. I thought we were real friends... you know that saying that it's the people who are closest to you that end up hurting you the most?" Carisi saw Amanda visually flinch at his words and assumed that she knew where he was heading with this story. "Father Hadley was that person. One day, after school, he had me come to the church, no one else was around. He took me to the backroom and he sat me down on his lap..." Carisi trailed off, he was trying hard to keep his voice even. Tears had gathered at the edge of his eyes, during the course of his story he had hunched over with his head facing the ground and his arms holding his upper body up by resting them on his knees.

"Carisi, it's okay... you don't have to tell me anymore," Amanda said gently as she rubbed his back

She continued her gentle soothing motions until she felt him reach for her hand "no, I want to tell you the rest" he said determinedly as he held onto her. Amanda squeezed his hand for support. "Father Hadley... that day he took something from me. He did things to me that no one should ever do to a child... but I never told him to stop. I didn't fight back, and in the end, I blamed myself for everything"

"Carisi, I'm so sorry you had to experience that," Amanda said with her own tears in her eyes, the pain of her partner mixing with her own.

"The experience almost killed me, I almost walked down a path of self-destruction" Carisi revealed as he leaned back and looked Amanda in the eyes for the first time his whole story

"What happened?" Amanda questioned

"Father Hadley ended up killing himself, he found out that the church was notified about his activities by the family of another child Hadley had gotten to. They were going to turn him into the police. I guess he couldn't live with himself and took the coward's way out" Carisi gave an unemotional shrug "but I was left spiraling, I felt like it was my fault that he died too. He helped a lot of people but did so much harm as well. I thought I had somehow pushed him to it. That was until I met Father Franco, he was a Godsend. I think he realized what happened to me, but he never asked. He slowly became the person I could lean on, that I could talk to about stupid things to help. That man is why I didn't destroy myself, he's why I became a cop. To help others like he helped me, and to stop people like Father Hadley"

"I'm glad that you found someone that was there for you, but I'm surprised that, after all that, you're still a Catholic," Amanda said with new found admiration and confusion over Carisi's strong faith.

"You're still a cop, and I know you still want to be" Carisi responded back, catching Amanda off guard

"I never... I didn't say it was a..." Amanda stumbled over her words

"I know Amanda, you never told anyone, and you don't have to," Carisi said once again taking her hand and holding it in his own "I just want to help you Amanda like Father Franco helped me. Please tell me what I can do to make any of this better?" Carisi said with tears finally falling from his face.

Amanda watched him for several seconds, she could see the sincerity in everything that he had said. Slowly she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him "just be here for me like you are now, don't try to figure out who did this. Help me move on without looking back" she whispered into his ear as he began to rock them both in their hug.

"Okay," he answered her, heart hurting because he knew that it was too late. They were already going to find out the truth if he wanted to stop it or not.

 **A/N: A long chapter to make up for the long delay :) I hope no one will be offended by Carisi's backstory, I am a Catholic myself and am well aware of the crimes committed by some clergy. If everything goes according to plan, next chapter you guys will find out all the events that happened the night of Fin's birthday party after Amanda left the bar. Thanks for reading and especially thanks for those reviews :)**


	9. The Truth

**A/N: I tried a different way of breaking up this chapter, I have never done this before so please forgive me if this seems confusing. This chapter is following two different events at the same time and needs to cut between them. Also, Trigger Warning.**

Amanda slowly awoke from her dreamless sleep with blurry eyes and disheveled hair. The sun was shining through the curtains of her window providing plenty of soft light to clearly see her surroundings once her eyes became adjusted. She was calm. It seemed strange to her considering the panic she had felt earlier in the night from her nightmare, but as her eyes scanned the room she remembered why she felt safe.

In the corner, across from her bed, sat Carisi in an uncomfortable position against the wall, Franny making it all the worse for him by crushing his lap. A slight smile crept across Amanda's face. The young mother remembered holding Carisi after her nightmare, and he holding back. She remembered still being exhausted but afraid to close her eyes again, and that was when Carisi made a promise to her not to leave her alone. She figured he meant only until she had fallen back asleep, finding him sleeping on her floor was a surprise. One that made her feel loved.

His actions, and the actions of all her coworkers, made her feel loved, but at the same time, it was because of their strong affection for her that she felt the need to suffer quietly. The truth would destroy them, all of them. She couldn't bear to be the one to cause that, even if it meant that she, alone, had to live with the memory of that night. To protect the others, she was willing to sacrifice herself.

It didn't take long for Carisi to wake up, well for Franny to wake up and in the process get the Italian detective up as well. "Whoa, Amanda, please brush your teeth" Carisi slightly slurred as he waved his hand in front of his nose, eyes still closed.

"Excuse me?" Amanda's southern accent sounding more pronounced "my breath is just fine, perhaps you should stop making out with my dog if you have a problem," she said with all seriousness but still enjoying the situation before her. She watched as Carisi's eyes popped open just in time to see Franny attack his mouth with her long-wet tongue.

"Aww... ick... stop" Carisi tried to pull the large dog from his face, but every time he opened his mouth another lick came.

"Down girl" Amanda commanded and instantly Franny backed away and sat, tail wagging vigorously behind her.

"You couldn't have done that earlier?" Carisi said sarcastically with a small smile. He wasn't made, just surprised at his wake up call.

"I thought every guy loved getting kissed awake by a girl?" Amanda questioned innocently as she stood from her bed, walking over to her guard dog and gently patted her head before she reached out a hand to help Carisi up.

Taking the offered hand, he responded, "well, yeah, but I for one like my girls to be of the human variety". Before Amanda could respond to his retort, Jesse could be heard crying in the other room. Their little fun had woken the one and a half-year-old up "why don't you go tend to Jesse and I'll make us breakfast. That way we all can be fed before Fin arrives" Carisi stated as he started walking toward her bedroom door.

"I get why Liv was with me yesterday, and why you're here now, but do I really need a babysitter in the daytime," Amanda asked with a low frustrated voice and a small shake of her head "I'll have the sitter here as well, y'all have cases to work"

"The Doc said a full 24 hours of observation, Amanda, and your nanny's job is to look after Jesse, not you" Carisi said plainly as he grabbed the door frame "besides Fin cares deeply about you, I don't think you could keep him away even if you tried"

Amanda rolled her eyes once the Italian detective had turned his back to her. She let out a sigh and walked to her daughter's room "sometimes people care too much, and that's where the trouble begins" she whispered with a pain filled expression.

The morning had flown by much too quickly for Amanda. The breakfast Carisi had made was delicious and simple. She was always surprised how much food he could make them with what little supplies she had on hand. Gina, her nanny, had arrived shortly after asking to take Jesse to the park with Lucy and Noah that day. Apparently, central park was holding small events for children their age that Friday morning. Amanda figured this had been Olivia's idea and had Lucy ask Gina, her roommate, to pair up for the day so she could get more rest. The young mother appreciated Olivia's actions but she had wanted to have Jesse with her, and wasn't at all bothered that Gina would still be there as well. Regardless, Amanda let them go.

Carisi had just finished getting ready when a light knock was heard at the door "that must be Fin" he said as he finished buttoning his vest and went to open the door while Amanda stayed sitting on the couch with Franny in her lap.

"Hey man" Fin greeted Carisi as he entered the small apartment "how you feeling Boo?" he asked Amanda with a slight head nod

"Like I would rather be heading to work right now and not stuck being babysat," Amanda said dryly. She wasn't trying to be rude, but the thought of being trapped the entire day in her apartment with Fin made her resent her doctor. If only she never hit her head, then none of this would be happening to her.

"We already ate breakfast, I left you some leftovers in case you were hungry," Carisi said quickly after Amanda had spoken, he wondered what happen. She was doing fine just a few minutes ago, her mood only soured once he had begun getting ready. "Hey Fin, don't take her mood the wrong way, she had a rough night... nightmare" Carisi added in a whisper as he passed the elder man on his way to the door.

"She wasn't the only one" Fin responded with a small head nod. He wasn't going to take anything Amanda did in offense, he had worked SVU long enough to understand that every victim processed their grief in a different way. He felt Amanda would be the type to push away those that cared the most for her, even then, he would respect her space but he wasn't going to leave her.

After Carisi had left, Fin settled himself on the couch with Amanda, a good two feet and Franny between them. They had settled into a comfortable silence with the TV being the only noise in the apartment. "Can you grab me a beer from the fridge?" Amanda asked suddenly when the rerun of Duck Dynasty went to commercial.

Fin gave her a surprised look "isn't it kind of early?" Fin questioned back

"It's five o'clock somewhere, right" Amanda gave a small smile, referencing one of her favorite country songs and knowing that Fin wouldn't get it.

"You're right on that account, I guess" he answered back as he got up and grabbed both of them a beer. If she wanted to process her rape like that he wasn't going to stop her, that was, only if she kept it under control.

* * *

 **The Squad Room**

Carisi entered the squad room with heavy shoulders. He looked at the two empty desks next to him and sighed. It was a reminder that things wouldn't be the same, at least until they could catch the man who had hurt their blonde detective and made sure he got what was coming to him. Carisi noticed that Olivia's office was open, he quickly put down his things and entered the small room.

"Morning Lieu," Carisi said as he knocked on her open door, waiting for permission to enter.

'Morning Carisi" Olivia greeted back as she lifted her head from the stack of paperwork that was in front of her "how was everything last night?" she asked. At first, she feared she was invading too much of Amanda's privacy by asking this simple question but decided to allow Carisi to say what he felt was necessary anyway. If Amanda was going to be secretive about her emotional state and stability, they would need to rely on each other for the truth.

"She was definitely more shaken up than she is trying to let on" Carisi began as he leaned against the door frame "she stayed up most of the night afraid to sleep, and when she finally did fall asleep she had a terrible nightmare" he paused as he contemplated telling his Lieutenant more. He let out a deep sigh "she... she was calling out our names. She was asking us to help her, to get him off of her, screaming that it hurt" he finished as he squeezed his fists in anger and pain. He could remember the fear he saw on her face in her sleep. "I don't get it, Lieu, why is she calling for help in her nightmares but she doesn't want help from us when she's awake? Even after I woke her up and got her to calm down, she asked me not to investigate this any further" He finished with frustration and confusion playing across his face.

Olivia's face fell as she processed Carisi's words. She slowly removed her glasses and stood from her desk and walked over to him. She gently placed a hand on his shoulder and spoke softly "well, there is a difference between the conscious and unconscious mind, Carisi. When she is awake, she is rationalizing her pain, for some reason, in a way that requires us to not know about it, but it seems in her subconscious mind, she truly does want our help and solace" she squeezed his shoulder to convey her own feelings of consolation to him.

"So, what do we do now?" he asked as he looked out toward the near empty squad room, he wanted nothing more than to solve Amanda's rape, even if it went against the woman's own desires. Now that he knew subconsciously she wanted their help, he held no guilt over it.

"TARU is working on getting us the footage from the bar right now, and the lab is processing Amanda's clothes as we speak for DNA. There is nothing else to do but wait. Do other case work until we get word about Amanda's case from either TARU or the lab" Olivia said and directed him to his desk "it shouldn't be too long, I hope"

* * *

 **Amanda's Apartment**

Four hours had passed since Fin had arrived and Amanda had downed five beers in that time. She only felt moderately better with the alcohol coursing through her veins. She had always prided herself on how she could hold her liquor, but Wednesday night had changed that for her. Now at the bottom of each bottle she only found self-loathing, but she couldn't find it in herself to stop. Amanda got up to get herself another "don't you think that's enough?" Fin questioned as he saw Amanda move from the couch.

The young blonde detective froze in her steps at the sound of Fin's voice "no, I'm just thirsty" Amanda said calmly without turning to face him.

"Well you can get a coke or something, maybe even water, five beers is a lot for it not even being two o'clock yet. Can you at least wait a bit? I'll order Chinese for lunch and when you've eaten something you can have another" Fin offered, not wanting to dictate what she could do, but still looking out for her best interest.

At his words Amanda twirled around, almost surprised that the speed of the spin didn't cause her to get dizzy in her buzzed state. "You're not my father, Fin, if I want to drink a fucken beer then that's what I'm going to do. Don't you dare treat me like a child, you" she said harshly as she pointed a finger at him "have no right to stop me"

Fin sat up more "you're right, I'm not your father, but I am your partner and I care about you," he said calmly, his eyes softening as he looked her over "I always have, and I always will, even if you want to push me away. I care about you Manda. It kills me to know that someone hurt you, that he's out there right now thinking that he'll get away with this" Fin added with a little more force. The pain evident in his voice.

"You don't know the whole story," Amanda said as she began to breathe heavily, she could feel herself begin to lose control of her emotions.

"That's because you won't tell any of us" Fin fired back as he stood from the couch. It was at his movements when Franny jumped down from the couch and went to stand next to Amanda.

"I have my reasons Fin!" Amanda yelled and startled both Fin and Franny "just... just stop okay, please"

Fin took a step forward but stopped at the sound of Franny growling. The dog could sense her master's distress and knew that part of it was caused from whatever the other human in the room was doing. "I won't stop Manda, I love you," he said and he could see how much these words hurt Amanda. "You, Liv, even Carisi. You're all my family. There isn't anything in this world that could stop me from protecting you, even if it's from yourself"

"I don't want to do this Fin, I'm tired of having these talks with everyone," Amanda said as she could feel the tears gathering in her eyes "no more heart to hearts, no more confession of secrets. I love you too Fin, all of you guys... but trust me when I say to leave it alone. Leave me alone" Amanda finished strongly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"No," Fin said stubbornly "I can't do that, baby girl. I won't"

Amanda scoffed "you don't get a choice in this" anger began to seep in. She wanted to leave, she wanted to run, but instead she decided to hide. "You know what, I'm going to take a shower," Amanda said as she threw her hands up "just stay there on the couch"

Fin watched her storm to her bathroom. He understood her wanting to take a shower, many victims take excessive amounts of showers after their assault in order to clean themselves from the feeling of their attacker, even if at that point, it was only mental. He just didn't think in her condition it was the wisest decision to make. "Leave the door unlocked, please," Fin said as he watched her shut the door, he didn't get a response but hoped she had listened to him.

Of course, Amanda had not.

* * *

 **The Squad Room**

Several hours had passed and Carisi was surprised at how much work he was able to accomplish, even when his mind was focused on Amanda. The sudden sound of Olivia's phone ringing brought him out of his work. "Carisi" he heard his name being called and turned to find Olivia waving him over from her doorway. He quickly followed her inside her office.

"What is it, Lieu?" he asked feeling the excitement coming from the elder woman.

"TARU just sent me the bar footage" Olivia explained as she opened the file in her email. Carisi leaned in close to her screen to get a better look. "What time did you leave?" she asked him, hoping to narrow down their time window.

"I left around one," he said quickly and watched as his boss fast forwarded the footage until the clock in the corner read one am. "There we are" he pointed to the screen where Amanda, Fin, and himself were at in that time. They all looked drunk at that point. They watched as Carisi grabbed his jacket and said his goodbyes to his teammates, if it wasn't for the gravity of the situation he would have face palmed at his horrible footwork on his way out the door. He had been more drunk than he had remembered.

They continued to speed through the video, but this time at a slower rate. The time was one twenty am when they stopped it again "There, she's leaving..." Olivia said but then trailed off as she continued to watch the screen.

"Is she..." Carisi trailed off as well

"Yeah," Olivia responded as they both watched Amanda pull Fin up from the bar and wrap his arm around her shoulder "she's taking Fin home" Olivia stated the obvious

"Fin said that he didn't remember how he got home. It looks like Amanda was the one that helped him" Carisi added as they watched the duo leave. They scanned the screen and found who they were looking for "and there's officer Carlos" they continued to watch as the young officer got ready to leave after them, they pause the video at that point.

"So, Carlos, watches Amanda leave with Fin and then follows them both to his apartment?" Olivia questioned, she was confused about the situation they were uncovering.

"He must have waited for Amanda to drop off Fin before attacking her, Fin doesn't live far from Amanda" Carisi explained.

"I don't think that adds up"

* * *

 **Amanda's Apartment**

Amanda was sitting in her bathtub, knees hugged close to her chest and head tucked down. The water was scalding, but she was numb to that pain. The pain in her chest was much worse. Now that she was alone, her clouded mind was drifting to places she never wanted them to go again. Her mind was replaying the night of her rape, down to every last detail.

She was no longer in her tub. She was in the bar. Amanda watched a version of herself say goodbye to Carisi before she turned to watch Fin take a few more shots with his old Vice buddies, oh how she wished she had simply gone home then. She turned and made eye contact with the man she had teased. He still seemed annoyed at her trick so she sent him another seductive smile, playing with him some more. Time only seemed to speed up from there, she had slung Fin's arm over her shoulder and helped him into a taxi.

Amanda was drunk and she knew it. She just didn't think she was that far gone, too weak to understand the dangers that were around her, but conscious enough to remember it all. She watched herself drag Fin into his building and eventually, after much effort, into his apartment. She walked the elder man all the way to his room and pushed him onto his bed, that was as much as she was going to help her partner for the night.

* * *

 **The Squad Room**

"What do you mean it doesn't add up?" Carisi question

"I don't know, he watched her leave with Fin and he just waited for her to drop him off and leave alone. That's a lot of waiting on his part, plus how did he know that she wasn't going to stay with Fin in the first place?" Olivia observed, questioning the whole situation now. She pressed play and allowed the video to continue. They watched as Carlos headed toward the door, but stopped as a group of young women entered the bar. His head watched them move across the bar and he suddenly turned directions and sat next to them.

"No, this can't be" Carisi exclaimed and he pressed the fast forward button. He watched in horror as Carlos, their prime suspect, stayed with the young women until the last call was made, well past the time of Amanda's assault. Finally, Carlos left the bar, along with one of the women from the group. "He... he didn't do it" Carisi said in confusion as he continued to stare intensely at the screen. They had been so sure it was officer Carlos.

"Then who did?" Olivia questioned, realizing that they were now back to square one with Amanda's rape.

"A stranger then?" Carisi offered "it's the only thing that makes sense now, but why wouldn't Amanda tell us that. Why does she blame herself in all of this?"

Olivia didn't have the time to answer Carisi's question before her phone began to ring again.

* * *

 **Amanda's Apartment**

Amanda stayed stuck in her flashback, her heart rate speeding and her tears hidden in the spray of the shower. She watched as the other version of herself began to walk away from Fin's body on the bed. She wanted to scream, she wanted to warn her other self to look out, but she was a frozen observer. She could only watch the hand that sprang with too much speed from her partner. She couldn't do anything as she saw her other self being pulled back onto the bed and quickly pinned beneath the body of the man she had trusted, the first friend she had made in New York.

Again, she heard his whispers of love for her. His drunken voice saying that he had wanted her for years. She watched in horror as he pinned her hands with one of his own above her head and then pulled up her shirt. She wasn't strong enough to stop him, she wasn't strong enough to fight back. Amanda could only watch in horror as the man she had come to recognize as family continued to violate her in the worst way possible. It was quick and it was painful. Even when all she could feel was the sharp sting of betrayal at his every thrust, Amanda couldn't bring herself to hate him. It was his cloudy and hazed filled eyes that told her he was not in control. Her only saving grace was the knowledge that it wasn't her partner doing this, not consciously at least. It was the alcohol, or so she kept on thinking. Fin would have never done this to her, it was not his fault.

* * *

 **The Squad Room**

Carisi watched as Olivia's face turned pale once she had answered her phone, then suddenly it had slipped from her hands altogether. "What wrong?" Carisi asked worriedly "is it Amanda? Did something happen?" Carisi continued to question, his heart rate picking up at the shell-shocked look plastered on Olivia's face.

"It's Fin" Olivia whispered, eyes staring blankly forward.

"What did he say?' Carisi asked impatiently, hoping that Amanda hadn't done anything stupid

"No, it's Fin," Olivia said louder with a shuddering breath as she finally found the strength within her to face Carisi "It's Fin's DNA on Amanda's clothes. His semen. It's Fin. He did it" Olivia continued still in shock.

"Fin?" Carisi's heart dropped, not understanding what she was saying "Fin wouldn't... he... didn't say anything... he..." he couldn't think straight

"Oh, my god" Olivia suddenly rose from her chair and grabbed her keys. Carisi was only a moment behind her, his body acting before his mind could "he's with her, we left Fin with her!" Olivia exclaimed as they took off to the squad car.

"Oh, my god" Carisi repeated, the truth of the matter finally hitting him "we left her with her rapist"

* * *

 **Amanda's Apartment**

Amanda still sat in her tub, now sobbing loudly. "Manda, you alright," Fin asked as he knocked on the locked bathroom door. The sound of his voice only made Amanda's flashback more vivid. She wasn't simply watching her rape, she was relieving it. Every moment, she was feeling it all over again.

Fin began banging on the door "Manda, open the door" he yelled getting worried over the sounds he was hearing from inside

"Nooo!" Amanda began screaming "Nooo, stay away!" she continued, becoming more terrified as the banging and yells from Fin only increase.

 **A/N: Sorry :) I was nervous about this story from the beginning because of who the actual rapist was. I didn't want people to feel, I don't know, angry over it lol. But I am also super curious. Did anyone notice that officer Carlos was the playing the part of the Red Herring all along? I left hints here and there, before this chapter, that it was Fin, but as the author, those felt way too obvious for me so I was fearful of how many to put in. Also, did the bouncing from one scene to the other make sense or was it too confusing? Thanks again for reading this :) and thanks to those who left reviews, they always make me smile.**


	10. Beyond Denial

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay, especially with that cliffhanger, but things got hectic with school and then my dad went to the hospital... this story just fell from my mind. Actually, I can not even begin to explain how difficult it was to get this chapter up, but, I'm back for now :) So it seems that most of you guys knew that it was Fin lol and I only got a few complaints about it :)**

"Dammit!" Carisi yelled out in frustration as he slammed his phone filled hand on his thigh, not caring  
about the device's well-being at all. "Neither one of them is picking up" he added as he gave a worried look to his boss, who was driving the car.

"Keep trying" Olivia ordered with tight lips as she stopped at a red light. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently as she tried to steady her breathing. Her heart had been racing since the moment she received that call from the lab, and she knew that she needed to calm down in order to think straight.

"It's not going to help, Lieu, I've called them both multiple times" Carisi answered her back quickly. His voice was tight and it was clear that he was in an agitated state. He threw his head back against the seat and let out a shaky breath "this can't be happening, right?" he says in disbelief as he slowly tilted his head so he could see his boss with both eyes. "This has to be a mistake, a mix-up in the lab... a dream, a nightmare" Carisi leans his head forward and looks at his trembling hands, the adrenalin in his system making him feel numb "first we find out Amanda was raped... but... for it to have been Fin, that's just..." he trailed off not knowing what else to say, still not completely processing the news.

"I know" Olivia responded, her voice still stern "I can't..." she let out a quick breath "I don't want to believe any of this, but we don't get that luxury, Carisi" her eyes stayed focused on the road as she sped through the crowded New York City streets "we need to respond to the evidence that is given to us, and right now, that means that we need to get to Amanda's apartment as fast as we can before anything else happens"

"You don't think Fin would hurt her?" Carisi questioned as they pulled up in front of Amanda's building, both of them jumping out of the car and running in.

"Honestly, I don't know what to think" she answered as they started to run up the stairs to avoid the notoriously slow elevator. They both took two stairs at a time and in record pacing made it to Amanda's floor. Olivia's heart began to beat even faster as she approached the closed door to her youngest detective's home. She was about to knock but froze when she heard Amanda's muffled screams on the other side soon followed by Fin's yelling. Olivia instantly reached for the doorknob but it was locked "son of a bitch" she backed away and turned to the younger man "Carisi"

"On it" he responded as he backed up and kicked the door in. " Amanda, Fin!" he yelled as he rushed in  
followed by Olivia. The yelling had become much clearer and was coming from the  
bathroom.

The pair made a beeline for the room and stopped as they saw Fin at the doorway. His entrance to the restroom was being blocked by a growling Franny. "Amanda, please, it's alright. I'm right here, but you need to get Franny to stand down" he called out over Franny's growling and Amanda's own loud sobs "Baby girl..." he stopped when he noticed Olivia and Carisi crashing in "what the hell?"

"Fin, get back!" Olivia ordered as she pushed her way in and easily passed the protective dog. Her years on the police force gave her the ability to quickly scan her surroundings and take in the sights before her. Her heart ached at the sight she saw. Amanda had pushed herself back as far as she could into the corner of her bathtub, still screaming for some invisible attacker to stop. Her knees were cradled to her chest as her head was bent down on top of them and her hands curled on top of her hair. The sheer terror Amanda was feeling was palpable. The Shower curtain had been torn away and water was spraying onto the floor.

"I don't know what happened?" Fin said as he watched his oldest friend take in the sight before her and take charge "she was fine until she went to take a shower" he added in confusion, trying to convey that he had done nothing to set off his partner.

The more Fin spoke the more frantic Amanda's behavior became "stop, stop, please leave me alone" she screamed in between harsh sobs.

"Amanda..." Fin began to say

"Fin, get out!" Olivia ordered harshly keeping her eyes on the younger woman as she slowly knelt on  
the floor, turning off the hot water.

"But Liv," he tried to argue but was again cut off by the brunette

"Carisi, get him out now. Take him to the station, I don't care, just both of you leave" Olivia ordered,  
wanting to get the guys as far away from Amanda as possible. Olivia wasn't sure if, at that moment, Carisi would trigger Amanda as well, but she wasn't going to take that risk.

Carisi instantly jumped into action when he heard Olivia's command. The young Italian detective pulled at Fin's shoulders and dragged the elder man away. Franny followed them, keeping her head low and threatening until they were out into the corridor in front of Amanda's unit, then she laid on the floor facing the door to keep watch over her master, making sure that no other threat could enter.

"What the hell are you doing man, get off me" Fin yelled as he pushed off the younger man. Carisi had  
just shut Amanda's broken door behind them when Fin had gotten free.

"You heard, Lieu, we needed to get out of there. We were only making it worse" Carisi said with his  
hands up, but he couldn't help but look at the other detective with distrust "what happened anyway?"

"I don't know, she just snapped" Fin bit back angrily, he could feel the negative emotions coming from  
his coworker "then Franny wouldn't let me near her, damn dog..." he ran his hand over his head in frustration "no, I can't just stay out here" he said as he began to move back inside

"Fin, stop!" Carisi yelled as he pulled the elder man back but was again pushed away "you can't go  
back in, the Lieu..."

"I don't give a damn what Liv says. She's my partner. I'm not leaving her" Fin yelled back, this time  
grabbing at Carisi's collar, pinning his against the wall, as the younger man tried to stop him again. Amanda was in pain and he wasn't going to be sidelined by anyone.

"It was you" Carisi choked out "that's why you need to leave, it was you Fin"

Fin froze at the younger man's words. His body became rigid and his mouth dry. "What... what are you  
saying?" he questioned as his heart rate picked up and he lost hold of Carisi shirt.

"The DNA on Amanda's clothes came back, the semen from her pants, it's yours. You raped Amanda. You did all of this" Carisi said slowly but seriously as he watched Fin's reaction and rubbed his newly freed neck.

"No... that can't be... liar!" he yelled again but this time he didn't move. His focus turned to his  
shoes as thousands of thoughts and images fled through his mind, none of them making any coherent sense.

"Why would lie?" Carisi questioned back solemnly "it's the truth, and I think deep down you know it" Fin didn't respond but instead stood shell-shocked, any fight he once had draining out if him. Carisi sighed. He was tried. He was emotionally drained, but he also knew that this was just the start to everything. "Come on, we need to get out of here" and with that Carisi led a stunned and unresponsive Fin out of Amanda's building and down toward the station.

* * *

"Amanda, shhh, it's okay. He's gone, you're safe" Olivia said gently as she sat on the floor next to her

sobbing detective. Olivia continued to shhh the younger woman in an attempt to calm her down enough to be able to get her out of the tub and hopefully into some clothes.

Olivia quickly looked around the small bathroom and grabbed the towel that was hanging on the towel  
rack. "Amanda, I'm going to drape this towel over you, okay Hun" she didn't receive a response, but went ahead and did it anyway. She slowly laid the towel over the young mother's back and held it together at her front. "Honey, I'm going to need you to stand up okay. You need to get dressed"

"No, please, just leave me alone" Amanda whimpered as she held onto her own body more tightly "why can't anyone just leave me alone," she said in a sob.

"Because we care about you Amanda, you're in pain, and when someone you care about is in pain you  
simply can't ignore it" Olivia tried to explain as she tentatively began to rub Amanda's back in a soothing pattern.

"You don't care about me" Amanda answered back, her own voice weak and tired.

"That's not true, you know that it's not true, we've already had this discussion" Olivia responded honestly. The elder woman watched as Amanda slowly began to lift her head and make eye contact for the first time since the brunette had entered the bathroom. Amanda's eyes were tired and filled with pain and fear. "Honey, please, stand up. Let me help you, you need to get dressed so you don't catch a  
cold" Amanda didn't respond "think of Jesse, you wouldn't want to be sick and taking care of your baby girl, right. We don't want her getting sick as well" Olivia felt guilty using Amanda's own daughter against her but felt it justified if it meant that Amanda would begin responding to her.

"I... okay" Amanda whispered as she began to stand. Her legs were weak and she needed to be helped  
out of the tub by the elder woman. Once she was safely outside the tub, Olivia fixed the towel so that it properly covered Amanda, the younger woman still trapped in a semi-dazed state. Olivia then walked her blonde detective to her bedroom and sat her on the bed. The elder woman turned to look for something Amanda could wear when she heard a soft and pitiful "I'm sorry"

"Oh, honey, you have nothing to apologize for," Olivia said quietly as she turned around to see a  
small trail of tears falling from the younger woman's eyes.

"Yes, I do. This is all my fault..." Amanda said as she turned her head away "this whole thing, I  
shouldn't have freaked out in the bathroom. I shouldn't have acted like that, now you're going to not let me come back to work" her voice remained steady but the pain in the younger woman's eyes only grew with each word.

"Amanda, you can't control when you have a flashback or a panic attack. I get that, I've been  
through that. But, don't worry about your job, you will come back to work, I promise, as long as you want to work in SVU you will have a job, it just might be a little before you can be in the field again" Olivia explained as she gently sat down next to Amanda and took her hand in her own. She softly began to rub her thumb across the younger woman's knuckles as she continued to speak. "And, this is no one's fault but the man..." she paused.

Olivia had been working from instinct since the moment she had entered Amanda's apartment. This was the first instance since she had been reunited with the younger woman that she is consciously aware of who had been the one to violate her youngest detective in such a vile way in the first place. The fact that it was one of her own people, her oldest friend, that had hurt Amanda in such a way made it difficult for Olivia to respond. She was going to tell Amanda that only the man that had hurt her was at fault for any of this, but it was more difficult to know that that man was Fin. She still believed that Amanda should feel no guilt or shame for this, but now she truly understood why Amanda had been so apprehensive about her situation. She wanted to protect Fin, she didn't want to believe that any of this was real.

"Liv?" Amanda questioned out of concern and confusion as she noticed the elder woman's sudden shift in mood, "what's wrong?"

"It's nothing... I just realized..." Olivia trailed off, not knowing if she should confront the younger  
woman about the issue of Fin being her attacker. She knew that she was eventually going to tell Amanda that they had been investigating her rape, but she didn't think it was going to be this difficult when they had finally found the rapist.

"You realized..." Amanda repeated slowly but stopped when the sudden realization struck her "no...  
you know... I told you not to investigate, to let this go... you didn't! Why!" Amanda began screaming and breathing heavy. She didn't want them to know, they were never supposed to find out.

"We couldn't let this go, Amanda. I couldn't let this go, not when someone had hurt you so much... but I  
never... I never thought it would have led to this" Olivia exclaimed her own tears falling now at the betrayal she, herself, felt at what Fin had done to her youngest detective "I never thought Fin was capable of doing..."

"He's not!" Amanda screamed as she stood up and backed away from the elder woman "he's not capable of this and you know it! It wasn't his fault, he was drunk, I was too buzzed to stop him. If I was only more careful this wouldn't have happened, he cares about me Liv..." Amanda said sternly

"I know he does, Amanda, but what he did was wrong and illegal. He may not have meant it, but he hurt you, and now you're willing to only hurt yourself more to protect him. Why should you be the only one to suffer?' Olivia said calmly as she also stood up

"If you tell him the truth it's going to kill him, he won't have a future. I don't want him to suffer from this. Please don't ruin his life too" Amanda said weakly as she laid her hand against her bedroom wall and turned so that she was resting her upper body's weight against it, twisting away from Olivia with, her other hand over her mouth to keep in her sobs.

"His life, what about yours, Amanda?" Olivia asked softly as she took a small step toward the younger  
woman "why, do you think that you don't matter in all of this? I appreciate how loyal you are to him, but you need to think about yourself, your own future"

"Liv, it's not that simple. You just don't understand," Amanda responded as she tried to keep in a  
sob

"What don't I understand?" Olivia questioned back

"He... Fin" Amanda took a deep breath to steady herself but only managed to make her voice more shaky and vulnerable "he was the first person I..." she whispered so low that Olivia couldn't hear the rest of her statements

"Honey, I couldn't hear you"

"He was the first person I trusted after I came to New York, after what Patton did to me in Atlanta"  
Amanda repeated louder. Her statement only caused Olivia's heart to hurt more for Amanda. The younger woman had been through so much and still, she wanted to work for SVU, to fight the good fight. Olivia couldn't say that she had ever been more impressed with Amanda's strength. "He made me feel safe again, he helped me so much... he's always been there for me. No matter what, no questions asked. He… he couldn't have done this" Amanda said as she leaned harder against her bedroom wall and slid to the floor "I don't know what I would do if he could do this" she sobbed louder and wrapped her hands around herself in a poor attempt to create a shield against the harsh reality she was finally facing. "I don't want this to be real"

Slowly Olivia also knelt to the floor, and inched her way to the younger woman "but he did do this,  
Amanda. I'm so sorry, but it's real. He hurt you, and you will never be able to move on from this unless you can admit that to yourself"

"No!" Amanda let out another sob "no, I can't. He can't..." Amanda faltered as Olivia reached the  
spot next to her and slowly pulled the younger woman into a soft embrace. "He... he... it can't be him. It can't be his fault. How can I trust anyone in this world if he could betray me like this!" she sobbed into Olivia's chest as she clasped onto the fabric of the elder woman's shirt for dear life. Olivia began to rock them both from side to side as Amanda continued to cry. She finally stopped fighting it, she could no longer attempt to live in the hollow notion that everything would remain the same if she just kept telling herself it never happened. The full force of Amanda's pain was released as she held tightly onto Olivia as if the elder woman was the only thing in the world keeping her from falling into an unfathomable darkness "Why did he hurt me! Why did he do this! How could he do this! Why, why, why!"

Olivia's heart was torn to pieces every time a desperate scream was released from the younger woman's  
sobbing form. "I don't know, Amanda" Olivia whispered as she gently stroked the back of the younger woman's head in a small attempt to convey her support "I wish I could take this all away. I would gladly relive my time with Lewis a dozen times over if it could make it so that none of this happened, but life is not like that. We can't change the past, but I promise to be with you every step of the way in the future, you're not alone. I promise you won't have to deal with this alone"

 **A/N: I hope this was worth the wait. So now I hope it makes more sense why Amanda felt the need to absolutely deny the whole incident, it shattered her whole foundation for trust in anyone. Thanks for reading, and for the wonderful reviews :) I really appreciated the feedback, and it kept reminding me that I had this story to finish even with everything else going on.**


	11. Nightmare

**A/N: Looking back at the last chapter I realized that the formatting is just weird, but I don't know how to fix it. Every time I try to edit it, the document looks fine but then reverts to that mess. I apologize if the formatting annoyed anyone. Also, there is a reference to something that was revealed in chapter 8, so if you are reading and suddenly wonder where something is coming from, it's a good bet that it's from there lol.**

The noise was unbearable. The loud hum of incoherent conversations seemed to echo off every wall. There was no reprieve. The chaos of the sounds disorientated him. He could not focus, he could not breathe. The small room he was sitting in began getting smaller as the voices only became louder. Suddenly the mass of voices became only one. It was small and pleading, but this one was the most painful of all. He soon craved for the chaos again wishing to drown out this painful voice, his partner's voice.

"Stop!" Fin yelled as he pushed himself back from the tabled as he stood, violently knocking down his chair while he rose. "Son of a bitch, just stop!" he yelled again as he paced the small conference room that stood adjacent to Olivia's office.

Carisi, like the good detective he was, had followed his Lieutenant's orders for both he and Fin to leave Amanda's apartment as soon as possible. Not knowing where else to take the elder man, Carisi had taken an apparent stoic Fin back to the one six precinct. The Italian detective walked briskly, leading Fin into the sound proof conference room where they usually talked to victims. Carisi didn't know how this was going to play out but he knew it was better if they did not have an audience.

Fin had sat in the chair offered to him with no resistance. He had seemed to Carisi stuck in his head. If the younger man didn't know any better he would assume that Fin was both mute and deaf, not responding to his environment in any way.

Carisi could not help but look the elder man over. A man he had trusted his whole time at SVU, who he had held in high regards. It didn't make sense. Fin had always been protective over Amanda, Carisi could not believe that he was even physically capable of hurting her. This betrayal was devastating for Amanda, but for him and Olivia as well.

As Carisi silently watched over the seemingly broken man his stomach began to turn. He had to excuse himself and asked if his elder counterpart wanted something to drink. With no surprise, Carisi was not given a response. He quickly fled the room and made it to the men's restroom just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet. He felt the cold sweat sweep across his face. With heavy breaths, he stood and whipped his forehead. After flushing the toilet and cleaning himself off, the young detective stood in front of the mirror staring blankly at his reflection. "Wake up, come on just let me wake up" he whispered sadly hoping beyond hope that all of this, everything that had happened after Fin's birthday two nights prior, was a bad dream. Knowing his endeavor to be useless, Carisi finally left the bathroom to get two bottles of water.

He did not want to return to that eerie room yet, he still did not want to face the reality of what was to come. Carisi entered Olivia's office and watched Fin through the two-way mirror if only to prolong the inevitable. He watched the man he had worked with for the last three years as if he was some undiscovered animal brought in for observation for the first time.

He could see the elder detective's chest rise and fall, the only real indicators that he was in fact alive. Fin's eyes were open but stared unseeingly at his hands, hardly blinking. The moment so painful and long Carisi felt his mind being pulled away from it "Come here Sonny, I want to show you something fun" a sudden voice said in Carisi's ear "you're going to like it, but it has to be our secret". His vision suddenly shifted away from the interview room and into his old childhood church. He saw Father Hadley standing at the doorway, beckoning his younger self to come inside. Everything screamed for him to run, he tried to turn around but he couldn't stop what had already happened.

Carisi felt his heart being filled with rage and hatred as the man he had trusted, should have been able to trust, took everything from him. The bottles of water in his hand slipped to the floor as Carisi gripped onto the window sill with force. His face became a snarl as the anger he felt toward Father Hadley was beginning to be directed at Fin. At that moment, Fin and Hadley might as well have been the same person.

The young detective was ready to go back into the interview room and tear Fin apart for what he had done to Amanda, to get her justice, to get justice for himself, but before he could move another voice was in his head. "Sonny, God likes to test us. He tests us on our strength and compassion. It is easy to hate this world, it would be easy to hate him. I think both of us know that there is terrible evil here and innocent people get hurt because of it. I wouldn't blame a person if they acted out, like you are. I just want you to know that beneath that pain, beneath what is easily seen, there is something more". A tear fell from his eye as he remembered what Father Franco had told him when he was in his own darkest moments, words that he never understood until he joined the police force. That man had saved his life and it was because of him that he was who he was that day.

Taking a deep breath, Carisi refocused on Fin as he sat on the other side of that two-way mirror. Carisi didn't know what to do, at that moment, Fin was both Father Hadley and Father Franco. Fin had done something terrible, but at the same time, there was no erasing all the good he had done in his time as an SVU officer.

Carisi wasn't given much time to ponder on the sudden dichotomy of the elder detective. He watched how in the blink of an eye the calm looking Fin went into a range as he violently stood up yelling for it all to stop. Carisi did not hesitate to enter the room, hoping to calm down the elder man before he hurt himself or destroyed the room.

"Son of a bitch, just stop!" Fin yelled as he paced the room halting his movements only long enough to punch the wall.

"Fin, Fin!" Carisi yelled as he came up to the dark-skinned detective "you need to stop, calm down man" he tried as he pulled Fin away from the wall. The moment he made contact with the other man, the elder detective turned around with his hands up ready to fight. "Whoa, Fin, don't do this" Carisi said as he quickly backed up ready to dodge a blow "Fin!"

"What?" Fin slowly began to regain his senses. The terrible begging finally receding to the back of his mind as Carisi's presence in the room became known. "Carisi? What..." he continued as he began to realize where he was and why he was there "her voice… I could hear her"

"Her voice?" Carisi repeated "whose voice?" he was becoming concerned about his partner's state of mind

"Manda's" Fin deadpanned, his face crumbling "I can hear it now, I couldn't then, but now I do" he rambled as he grabbed his face in shame "What have I done, Carisi, what have I done?"

"I don't know, Fin, but how about you and me take a seat again. Let's try to figure this out together huh?" Carisi responded, going into cop mode on instinct. It was easier to handle if he didn't think all that much about the issue they were both there about. Carisi watched as Fin gently nodded his head and sat back at the table as he did the same.

"Let's start at the beginning," Carisi said slowly as he tried to make eye contact with Fin "what happened after the party on Wednesday night?"

Fin took a deep breath "I really don't remember" he said honestly "I had drunk so much…" he added with a sad shake of his head "I can't remember a time within the last 10 years where I drank as much as that"

"Okay," Carisi said with a slight nod as he pursed his lips "I can understand that, but how about some details, you know a little thing can lead to bigger revelations. A sight, a sound, a moment"

"I… I think I remember giving Amanda my keys. Yeah, I gave her my keys before I entered a drinking contest with my old buddy from Vice" Fin was concentrating hard "but that is as far as I can go with my actual memory"

"Actual memory?" Carisi questioned, "what do you mean by that?"

"Remember this morning" it wasn't so much of a question as it was a statement, but Carisi nodded regardless, "you told me it was a rough night for you and Manda, and I said understood… well, I did. I had a nightmare, or what I thought was a nightmare" Fin paused as his face formed a tight grimace

Carisi didn't want to risk losing Fin so he prodded him on "thought it was a nightmare? You don't believe that what you had was a simple nightmare?"

"At first I did… but now… after this" Fin looked up as he bit his lip hard before regaining eye contact "I saw it happen. It was like a movie. Amanda was pushed down onto a bed she was pleading for me to get off her, I can still hear her voice…" he slammed his hand on the table "damn it, she begged me to stop, but I didn't, I couldn't. She was crying" he was breathing harder now. Fin was having a difficult time controlling his emotions. Carisi also found it a challenge to not emote any of his feelings. "I thought it was just some sick perverted scene my mind concocted to get an idea of what Amanda had gone through. We have seen enough rapes in our time here that it's not difficult to get a vivid image of one… but I knew. I knew this was different. This dream, it sent a chill down to my very core"

"So, this nightmare, you think it was what actually happened?" Carisi asked to be sure

"I hope it wasn't like this" Fin let out in a stuttered breath "I hurt her, I was looking at her face the whole time. I can't get that image out if my head, her pain, her panic, her desperation". A sudden clarity overcame him "I did it. There is no denying it, huh" Fin looked as if he was ready to die "you're going to arrest me" it was a cold statement, detached, spoken as if the matter didn't affect him personally. He was emotionally shutting down.

The stamen caught Carisi off guard. He was so caught up in the facts of the situation that he never once considered the fallout of it. In any normal case, he would be arresting Fin right now, reading him his rights, but this was no ordinary case. "I um… I don't know, Fin. You know we should be handing this off to IAB since you're a cop and all"

"Those bastards" Fin huffed unenthusiastically "won't they be delighted that you guys did all the leg work and they get the credit, fuckin vultures" he added sadly, even with everything going on, Fin couldn't help but to jab at IAB, if only by reflex.

"I'm going to step out and call the Lieu, want anything?" Carisi asked him as he stood to leave

"No" Fin responded barely above a whisper

Carisi simply nodded his head and left the room. As soon as the door was shut behind him he leaned heavily against the wall and let out a large breath. After a few seconds of just taking everything in, he reached for his phone and dialed Olivia. "Lieu, I hope it's not a bad time but I needed to talk to you," he said the moment Benson answered her phone. He hoped that Olivia was able to help Amanda to calm down by then.

"No, Carisi, it's alright, but I don't think I have long to speak," Olivia said quietly over the phone

"How's Amanda doing?" he asked suddenly, the memory of her screaming in the bathroom flickering before his eyes.

"I got her to calm down some" Olivia responded and then after a pause continued "this is not going to be easy for her to move on from"

"Or any of us" Carisi added solemnly, he couldn't see it, but he knew that Olivia was nodding in agreement as well. "I talked to Fin, he really doesn't remember much, but he described a nightmare he had last night about Amanda's assault. He understands he did this, he confessed" he gave a long pause before he continued "he asked what our next move is, I told him I'd call you"

He could hear the stress Olivia was under at that moment by the gravity in her words "we don't have a choice, Carisi, we need to hand this over to IAB… but it's Friday afternoon he won't get arraigned until Monday morning" she explained as she considered their options

"We can't do that to him, Lieu, a cop in lock up for the whole weekend… it wouldn't be good for him" Carisi said instantly, he was surprised by how quickly he became fearful for Fin's own situation

"I know we can't" Olivia responded just as fast "look, because it's Fin, let him go. Tell him to come back first thing Monday morning to turn himself in. I'll contact IAB and the DA's office then"

"Won't that look bad, though, like we're giving him special treatment?" Carisi wondered how much administrative trouble Benson could get in for letting a perp walk for the weekend. It was a strange feeling to think of Fin as their perp, but facts were facts

"I'll handle any blowback if any is to come, but Fin's not a danger to the community. Tell him to report back on Monday, but make sure he knows not to contact Amanda, for any reason" Olivia emphasized her last words

"Copy that Lieu" he responded before the call ended.

 **A/N: It was extremely difficult to write the first half of this chapter. If any of you have read my other stories, or noticed the chapters before this, I think it's apparent that I am a very dialog driven story teller :) I like the characters to speak for themselves. So, I hope that first part made sense. I wanted to show how what happened would affect them all :) thanks so much for reading, and being patient with my slow updates hehe.**


	12. Dark Horizon

**A/N: Sorry for the longer delay than usual, I went to Disney world with my family for the week and didn't have my laptop. Two things struck me instantly, it's very green with a lot of little ponds and it rains there in the summer. I saw more rain in that week than I usually do in an average year, but then again, I live in SoCal. Anyway, thanks for being patient :)**

 **Trigger Warning: Implied thoughts of self-harm**

Olivia had just ended the call with Carisi and set her cell phone on top of the kitchen counter. She then leaned heavily against the marble surface, with most of her weight supported by her hands, and took deep breaths. The stress of the day was weighing deeply on Olivia's shoulders, and if she could she would simply curl up in her own bed, her son in her arms, and sleep for days, avoiding the cruel and bitter reality that has seemed to assault her every waking moment for the last few days. She knew that was impossible, so instead, she tried to pull herself together before Amanda found her. Olivia needed to be the strong one, everyone was relying on her to get them through this, or so she kept telling herself.

Many thoughts crossed her mind as she stood there trying to reground herself. The most forefront of those many chaotic feelings was her thankfulness toward Carisi. It was a hectic day for all of them, to say the least, while she was calming down Amanda he had to handle Fin, needed to confront him with the truth. Something she had yet to do and quite honestly feared doing. He was… is… at that moment she wasn't sure, her oldest friend. The heinous act that he committed against Amanda was earth shattering, not just for her, but for their entire department. She feared to even entertain the ramifications for some of their current and past cases if Fin was convicted of rape.

It was more than just professional concern she had for the elder man. Regardless of the circumstances, she did not wish to see Fin harmed in any way. The consequences of his actions, as of that moment, were unclear. He could face many forms of punishment, prison time, being fired, even personal retribution by others on the force who do not take kindly to crooked cops; not that she believed Fin had done anything other than this transgression, but he broke the law and ended up hurting another NYPD officer.

One thing Olivia knew for certain was that everyone in her squad needed to seek help. They all needed to talk to a professional, one outside of the department, to process what had occurred. She gave a slight head shake knowing that the person who would give her the most push back on that idea would also be the person who needed the help most of all. Amanda had made her aversion to therapists quite clear several years ago, refusing to speak to one even after the trauma of Patton returning into her life.

"Was that Carisi? You look stressed… did something happen with Fin?" a voice asked from behind Olivia. The elder woman turned around to see a pajama-clad Amanda standing in her hallway.

Once Carisi had left with Fin, Olivia was able to get Amanda to finally calm down after her breakdown on her own bedroom floor. The younger woman became stoic and detached when she had finished crying. Olivia knew that she was in shock. However, it was because of that state, Olivia was able to convince Amanda to come back to her house. The brunette explained that it wasn't safe for Jesse to stay in the apartment while the door was broken. To her own surprise and great relief, Amanda did not put up too much resistance to the change in sleeping arrangements. She helped Amanda pack a bag full of clothes and supplies for Jesse and herself and took the mother/daughter duo, plus Franny, to her home. Lucy had returned only an hour ago with Jesse and Noah, and Amanda was in the process of putting Jesse down, or she was until then.

"Um, yeah that was Carisi" Olivia responded in a calm voice as she casually ran her hand through her hair, buying her some time before responding with more "he called to say that Fin confessed, he doesn't remember what happened precisely, but he thinks his nightmare from last night was his subconsciousness' way of processing what he did to you"

"He had a nightmare" Amanda repeated as she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall of the hallway

Olivia nodded her head slowly as she tried to read the subtle emotions that crossed the younger woman's face "yeah, it was about your assault"

That was not what Amanda wanted to hear, she didn't want Fin to remember, even if it was through his dreams. She didn't want anyone to have the details of what was done to her in their minds, that was one of the biggest reasons she still refused to discuss it with Olivia. "What's going to happen now… with Fin… with me?" she asked tentatively not confident she was going to like the answer

"Well, you have nothing to worry about in regard to your job. After you're cleared by a shrink and your doctor for work, you can come back at any moment you want…" Olivia paused to think about her next words "as for Fin, we'll be handing over all the information we've gathered about your assault, including his confession, to IAB on Monday. As to what will happen, I guess that depends on what IAB wants to do"

"No!" Amanda shouted quickly, before suddenly turning over her shoulder and waiting to see if she woke the children. She took a deep breath and squeezed her hands into tight fists, which now hung by her sides, before continuing in a much lower voice. "That's a mistake, they'll hang him out to dry… Fin is a good guy"

"I know that, Amanda, I know that better than anyone else in the NYPD, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he broke the law" Olivia explained solemnly

"Then don't report him, I won't say anything, I'm not complaining… I'll even willingly talk to your therapist. I don't want to be the reason for him to lose everything" Amanda explained quickly, tears brimming her eyes, but she blinked them back as fast as she could so as to not show Olivia.

"You know as well as I that we can't ignore this. We took an oath to uphold the law" Olivia said as she walked slowly to her couch and sat down, beckoning Amanda to do the same. The younger woman hesitated, but finally relented and sat in the spot next to her Lieutenant.

"What if… what if I told them it was consensual, no… that's what I will do" Amanda said sternly "it was consensual… we were both heavily intoxicated… it was" she whispered to herself the last two words as if to begin the mantra in her head to convince herself that was the case.

"No, sweetie, don't do this" Olivia said with compassion as she gently took Amanda's hand in her own and began rubbing the back of it. "You only just moved past denial, if you go back to denying the truth you are only going to hurt yourself more" Olivia could tell by the reappearance of tears in the younger woman's eyes that her words were having an impact, but the look of determination in her face conveyed that Amanda was still not completely convinced "Okay what about this" Olivia began again "in your own head, what do you think would happen if we just swept this under the rug, do you think you could continue working with Fin, like old times?"

The question caught Amanda off guard. She had tried to do just that before she collapsed in the locker room and hit her head, setting all the events that had lead up to this moment in motion. Even then, she didn't know if she could. She was only with Fin for a few hours earlier that day and was sent into a painful flashback, she wasn't confident that it wouldn't happen again. "I…" Amanda was at a loss for words, she bit her lip hard to focus her thoughts.

Olivia noticed what Amanda was doing and pulled the younger woman closer to her "Amanda, please don't do that. Please don't hurt yourself because of my question, because of what happened. If you ever feel like hurting yourself come to me, or Carisi, or anyone really, just don't do that". Olivia knew that the answer to her first question was a no. if Amanda couldn't even think about working with Fin without hurting herself in that small way, then she knew the younger woman wouldn't be able to work with Fin ever again.

"No… I wouldn't… but… if I can't handle this, I can transfer out of SVU" Amanda said somberly, almost regretfully.

"I understand not wanting to work SVU after everything that has happened…" Olivia began but was cut off quickly by Amanda

"That's not what I meant. I love my job. I love working with Y'all… I don't want to leave" she said in earnest, tears began to swell in her eyes before she could stop it. The small drops formed from the anguish brought about by the very thought of leaving "but… if I have to"

"You don't have too, Amanda, I would never make you leave for this" Olivia explained, wanting Amanda to know the truth in her words "you may be a difficult subordinate but you are one of the best detectives I have ever had the pleasure to work with"

Amanda gave a wry smile at Olivia's words "thanks, I know that we don't always get along, in fact, I think we disagree more often than not" she gave a small chuckle as Olivia did the same "but, you as my boss, I don't think I've ever had a better one. You care for the victims, you treat your own staff like we're a family. I have never met anyone else that puts so much into their work and doesn't have some ulterior motive. Actually, excluding Cragen, you're the only boss I have ever felt comfortable to work under. I feel the safest with you because I know you're not going to try to take advantage of me, not like some of my previous ones did"

Olivia was touched by Amanda's words. She never knew Amanda had held her in such high regards. The Lieutenant couldn't help her own tears from forming caused by her own emotional response to everything that has happened to Amanda and her squad. Without thinking she pulled Amanda into a quick hug "I am honored to hear that" Olivia said as she pulled away from the impromptu show of affection "and I promise to never betray that trust, I will always strive to keep you safe"

"I know you will," Amanda said sheepishly as she whipped the tears that had fallen from her face as Olivia had done the same. "So, I won't transfer, but what about…"

"Amanda," Olivia sighed "we can talk about this in circles all night or we can get some much-needed rest. Our hands are tied, the chips will fall where they fall, there is nothing we can do for tonight, but I will tell you this. Even if IAB doesn't do anything with the case" Olivia began her statement, not believing that would be the case "Fin could not continue to work with SVU. We can't have someone who has raped anyone interacting with our investigations, if a defense lawyer ever found out, it would kill all of our cases, and hurt the credibility of our unit, maybe even prevent future victims from seeking our help"

Amanda was silent for several beats. She had never considered any of that. She never once thought of the credibility of the unit being affected, only her personal life. "I understand" she responded with a small swallow. Logically she did, but that didn't make her emotional state any less conflicted.

Olivia wasn't too sure that Amanda understood her words in a complete sense but it was late and she wasn't going to press the issue further "Alright, why don't we head to bed" Olivia suggested as she rose from the couch, waiting for Amanda to do the same

"Head to bed, I'm already sitting in it" Amanda responded with light sarcasm as she grabbed one of the throw pillows on the couch and placed it on her lap

"Oh, I'm not having you sleep on the couch, you'll take my bed, it's a Cal-King and much better for your back. I'll take the couch" Olivia explained, she wasn't about to have her houseguest sleep on the couch, especially since it was her idea to have Amanda and Jesse to stay over in the first place.

"I'm not going to kick you from your own bed, and besides shouldn't you be worrying about your own back considering…" Amanda trailed off with a smirk

"Are you making fun of my age?" Olivia said with a chuckle and a raised eyebrow. Amanda gave a shrug with an overly innocent face "well fine, why don't we just share the bed. It's big enough that we won't even touch during the night"

Amanda thought carefully about Olivia's offer. To be honest, she liked that idea. She was afraid of having another nightmare if she was alone and if she did have one at least she would know that Olivia would wake her up from it.

"Okay, I just hope you don't snore," Amanda said as she stood. She saw Olivia roll her eyes, the younger woman smirked and then added "because I do"

* * *

Fin walked slowly down the dark streets of Manhattan as he made his way back to his apartment. He had just left the one six precinct with the instructions to return Monday morning to meet with IAB, and most importantly not to contact Amanda. He knew what was coming, he had been on the other side of that equation plenty enough times to give a detailed step by step process about what came next. He knew he deserved whatever would happen, nothing could make amends for what he had done to his partner, how he betrayed his badge and his squad.

He paused in front of a closed store as he caught his reflection in the glass. The man that stood there was not the man he would have expected to see only a few days ago. The face he saw staring back at him had no hope, had nothing but shame and guilt. There was no longer a purpose to his life, he was an empty shell of who he once was.

Placing his head back down, Fin continued making his way home on foot in his miserably slow pace. Carisi had offered to drive him back, but the elder man had turned him down. At that moment Fin didn't need the company.

Lost in his spiraling thoughts of despair and self-hatred, Fin walked straight into the street without looking. He was nearly run over by a speeding car. From his place in the middle of the street, Fin slowly lifted his head as the driver let loose a string of profanities. As he realized the implications of what almost happened, a sudden thought occurred to him. A thought that brought both chills and a sense of relief. This newly formulating plan was one that had never crossed his mind before, but now it seemed almost too sweet too… liberating to not pursue.

 **A/N: A bit of a cliffhanger I know :) I have always known the endgame of this story, or at least it's general outline. Now that we're getting to the end I am conflicted at how far to take what I have planned. Thanks for reading :) I hope you guys are still enjoying this story.**


	13. Change

A small hand tugged on her shirt excitedly as she bent down to put the diaper bag in the stroller "can we leave yet, Manda?" Noah asked for the hundredth time as he continued to pull on her shirt while handling Franny in her leash with the other. The loyal dog waiting much more patiently than the young boy who was charged with her.

"Almost, honey, I just need to put Jesse in and then we can go" she answered him back in a much happier tone of voice than her current mood would have reflected. It was a beautiful Saturday morning, one in which she would have normally been excited for, a run with Franny or just a casual day in the park with Jesse would have typically been in the works. Unfortunately, that morning felt anything but typical, not only did she wake up in a bed that was not her own, she woke up in her boss's bed next to said boss.

Amanda couldn't help the awkward feelings she had about the whole situation. She had woken up in Olivia's arms after having a nightmare about being attacked in her own bathroom by her most trusted friend, Fin. The night, in general, had been restless and she had woken up several times, but that last time she was drenched in sweat and had to slip away to take a shower before the elder woman woke up herself. By the time she did come out of the restroom, breakfast was already made and the kids were eating, happily unaware of any dangers or concerns in the world.

The younger woman had a strong feeling Olivia knew what had happened during the night, she could tell by the look in the brunette's eye as she gave her a plate full of eggs and bacon, but to Amanda's great relief nothing was said on the matter. After breakfast was put away and the dishes were done, Amanda finally decided to address the elephant in the room, or at least one of them "you want to talk to him, don't you?" she asked as she sat at the kitchen counter casually looking at Jesse and Noah playing on the living room floor.

"Hmm?" Olivia responded as she joined the younger woman, whipping her hands dry on a small cloth before returning it to a perfect folded square and laying it on the counter top.

"Fin, I know he has been your closest friend for years, I can see it in your body language that you feel conflicted right now" Amanda explained with very little emotion in her voice. She was simply speaking logically, even removing herself from the situation in her mind. "You want to talk with him, I woke up in the middle of the night and heard you whimpering his name and asking him why" Amanda answered honestly as she dipped her head slightly so that Olivia couldn't see her eyes through her bangs.

Olivia was caught off guard by the whole conversation "I'm sorry if I woke you up" she began slowly as she tried to figure out what Amanda was trying to get to. It wasn't like the younger woman to be so forthcoming about things, especially when they would lead back to her own assault. "I know you had a rough night last night, it wasn't my intention to do you any more harm… did I trigger that nightmare you had this morning?"

Amanda let loose a small sigh, she knew that her boss was aware of it, but she didn't want her knowledge to be confirmed for her pride's sake. "No" she answered simply "that had nothing to do with you. I just…" she stopped to think about her next few words "I don't want you to hate Fin for this, I think you need to talk with him… I probably need to talk with him about this eventually too, but for you, the sooner the better"

Olivia digested her words carefully "do you mean talking to him today?" she gave the younger woman a thoughtful look "Do you want me out of the apartment, are you uncomfortable here with me?" she asked feeling hurt. She would understand if Amanda didn't want her around, she remembered after her own assault with Lewis she didn't have the most welcoming feelings toward visitors, but Olivia was only trying to help Amanda. However, she also knew that it must have been stressful for the younger woman to have been removed from her own apartment the way she was the night before. So, Olivia tried her best to ignore her own emotional pain.

"No, that's not it" Amanda answered quickly with raised hands "I'm thankful for everything you're doing. I really don't deserve this much actually" Olivia was going to interrupt her there and tell her that she was wrong but Amanda continued before she could "but I know what I would want to do if I was in your position. I would need to hear the story straight from the horse's mouth before anything went any further"

Olivia couldn't deny Amanda's point, she did want to talk with Fin she just didn't know how. "I would if I could, but I have Noah and no one to watch him?"

"I can do it, Liv. I'll take the kids to the park with Franny. It will get me out of the apartment and my own head, it will be good for all of us, return to a sense of normalcy really" Amanda offered earnestly as she reached down and petted Franny's back as she laid at her feet. Poor girl had not been given a proper walk since the night of Fin's party, the loyal dog being pushed to the side lines for her owner's own health.

"Are you sure, Amanda? Noah is a good boy, but handling both by yourself, are you up for it?" Olivia asked not sure if she should even be leaving Amanda alone in the first place so soon after her own assault and subsequent bump on the head.

"I can do it, and I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't willing" Amanda responded quickly, almost offended by the elder woman's lack of confidence in her.

"Alright then, I'll drop by his place for bit," Olivia said slowly as she reached for her keys and phone, trying to reason to herself if she should just stay with Amanda instead "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call"

"Manda! Manda!" Noah's voice brought Amanda out from her thoughts about that morning's events as the young boy continued to pull down on her shirt "I heard a knock at the door" he explained as he pointed to the apartment door "maybe it's Mama? She came back to go to the park with us" he looked up at the young blonde mother expectantly

Amanda stood from her place by Jesse's stroller and walked carefully to the door. She knew it wouldn't have been Olivia, but she was also not expecting any guests. There was another knock at the door but this time a voice followed it "Are you guys in there, it's me Carisi" the Italian detective said from the other side. Amanda rolled her eyes at his greeting, she wasn't expecting him, but she had a feeling he was sent by her boss to keep an eye, and part of her resented that while a small portion of her appreciated the gesture.

"Hey Rollins, I just stopped by to see how you guys were doing," Carisi said as Amanda opened the door for him. The young detective had always been a lousy liar, at least to Amanda, and his awkward body language wasn't doing him any favors at that moment.

"Really? You just came to check on us spontaneously, Liv didn't send you at all?" Amanda said in an overly innocent voice but her look just oozed sarcasm.

"Well um… no, well yes, but come on can't a guy just stop by and check on his goddaughter" he was finally able to say as he stepped past Amanda and knelt down by Jesse, who was sitting in the stroller waiting to go to the park.

Amanda simply rolled her eyes as he cooed at her daughter. Officially he was not Jesse's godfather because Jesse was not baptized in any religion. She wasn't the organized religion type, but Carisi had been such a life saver during her pregnancy and even to that day with helping her with her daughter that when he asked her if he could fulfill that role Amanda couldn't say no. Besides, she knew that it couldn't hurt. She wanted as many good influences for Jesse as possible. Amanda, herself, hadn't grown up with any positive male role model, a small factor she believed contributed to why she had a talent for falling for the wrong type of men. The men she grew up with liked to either gamble their money away or drunkenly beat up on her mom. Things she never wanted Jesse to experience.

"Well I'm taking them to the park, if you want to go you're more than welcome, " she said as he returned his attention back to her "but you're buying me coffee"

Carisi popped up with a bounce in his step "no problem, I'll take you to this new artisan coffee shop I found" Amanda again rolled her eyes at him.

The blonde detective had to admit that for being a hipster coffee shop, it was some of the best coffee she had ever had, also some of the most expensive. "I can't believe you would pay this much for a cup of coffee you could make at home for one tenth of the price" sh e said after she took a long sip of the delicious liquid as her eyes followed her daughter and Noah as they played in the sand box in front of them while Franny ran circle around them, much to the children's delight.

"You get what you paid for, though, this is much better than that crap we have at the precinct" Carisi responded as he wrinkled his nose and sipped his own drink. Things stayed quiet between them for several seconds before he finally picked up the courage to talk again. "Speaking of the precinct, um, how are you… I mean are you going to come back?" he asked not knowing how exactly to ask what was on his mind. He loved working with Amanda, and he didn't want anything to change from what was had before, but he knew that was impossible, so now he just wondered how much was going to change.

"I'm going to come back, I love my job, " Amanda said quickly, avoiding eye contact with Carisi "I can't imagine me doing anything but SVU. I feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives here. My work has meaning" she said all of this as her eyes watched the children before her intently, she knew he was watching her carefully but she didn't want to see his reaction to her words.

"I get that" Carisi responded back as he subtly tried to make eye contact by leaning slightly closer to her "that's why I left homicide, I mean there was definitely meaning there, but I could only help the family, not the victims themselves. Here I can change lives, and I love working in this squad with you, and everyone"

"Yeah, we really do work well together. I mean, I don't think there is another boss in the world who would put up with my crap the way Liv has" she chuckled slightly to herself as she shifted the coffee cup in her hands around "everyone at the precinct is great, y'all are like my family… even better than my family, actually" she gave another self-depreciating laugh "I don't want things to change" she whispered those last few words and hung her head lower

Carisi had heard what she had said and gently reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze "me neither"

Amanda looked up at him and gave a sad smile "I just can't help but feel responsible for all of this" she said in a dishearten tone "like I threw a wrench in everything the squad had and messed it all up" she could see it in his face that he was going to stop her and disagree with everything she had just said, but he never got the chance. She quickly held up her hand to stop him from speaking "I know. I know. Logically I understand that this is not my fault, but I can't help but to feel that way" she took a slight pause as she bit her lip "I just feel so out of control".

She gave a deep sigh, she could feel herself become slightly more emotional than she wanted to become in public, and especially in front of Carisi, but she couldn't help the words that began pouring from her mouth. "I want to gamble, I feel like I need to, I need to have control over something and that for me feels like my control in placing a bet, the thrill that comes with the risk and then the payoff if I win…" she paused not looking at him but a fond memory of her first big win that resurfaces every time she feels like gambling "I can't explain the rush it gives me, everything in the world just disappears"

It was at that moment her baby girl came stumbling toward her on her tiny legs proudly holding up a shiny rock "rock mommy" Jesse said as she gave it to her mother, completely oblivious to the emotional conversation that was taking place only moments before

"That's so beautiful, baby" Amanda cooed as she pretended to inspect the rock

"Jesse" Noah called waving the little girl back over to him from his spot in the sand, and that was all it took to get the small Rollins to get back to playing.

Amanda couldn't help but smile at the children, a sharp pang of guilt shooting through her heart as she did so "but I know I can never do that again, not with Jesse. I will not give her the same life I had" she said as she returned back to their main topic of discussion "but that only leaves me feeling lost"

Carisi was quiet for several seconds as he took in her words "I think what you're feeling is completely valid" he began slowly "I don't mean to compare our experiences, but I know what it's like to be hurt by someone you trust" Amanda knew he was talking about his own assault as a boy by his priest "and I know how hard it is to come to terms with that and move on, but what I did learn from all of that was that life is never as simple as a straight line"

Amanda raised her eyebrow at him, wondering where he was going with this "what I mean to say is that it's never really an easy journey, you of all people can understand" Carisi continued "it has its twists and its turn, maybe even a few waterfalls along the way" he gave a small smirk

"So, life is a river?" Amanda couldn't help replying dryly. She knew he was trying to help, but she was never the metaphorical type of person, that was one of the reason's she wasn't the religious type either.

Carisi seemed completely unfazed by her response "exactly, it is!" he said excitedly, thinking that Amanda was getting it "although the river has its obstacles, none of that takes away from its beauty, if anything it only adds to its wonder and strength" he smiled at her "that's how I see you. Strong." He nodded his head if only to reaffirm his statement, ignoring the look of disbelief on Amanda's face "You're still here, Amanda, regardless of everything you've been through, you're still here, and not just because you're stuck, but because you want to be. You want to still fight for people who don't have the power to fight for themselves. I don't think I've ever met anyone as strong as you, and you will always have my respect for that, I admire you for that"

Amanda didn't know what to say, she had never been good at taking complements, mostly because she had hardly received them in her life. "I, um… thanks, Carisi, I don't think anyone has ever said they admired me before. Just… thanks"

"No need to thank me when it's the truth" Carisi gave her an endearing smile "if I had my way, I would work with you until I retire"

"So now I have to go and be punished huh" she joked at his expense and he slightly nudged her back. "You know, I do notice something different" Carisi looked at her expectantly waiting for her to explain what she meant "you know this isn't the first time…" she trailed off not wanting to mention her assault in Atlanta directly. Carisi understood what she was referencing and nodded his head "well, back then I didn't see a future. I saw the next day, my next time at the casino, but a long-term future in SVU… I think I expected to self-destruct long before my timely end"

Carisi listened to her intently with deep empathy for his friend fighting the urge to interrupt her with reassuring words "but now, I see a future for myself here, I don't want to leave or run away anymore, I just… I don't see a future for him"

"For Fin?" Carisi clarified

Amanda nodded "I don't know what's going to happen with him now, what is he going to do?"

"Amanda, I understand why you're worried about him, but you have a lot of other things to deal with right now as well, he shouldn't be your concern" Carisi offered her kindly, he knew how much Fin meant to Amanda, and why this was so much more painful for her than it was when it was her Deputy Chief.

"It isn't but then in many ways, it is my concern" Amanda began as she started to strangle her empty coffee cup with her fingers, tearing up the foam container in a small attempt to relieve some of her anxiety "Fin has been there for me at my lowest points. He's been my saving grace, but now… now I'm his ultimate down fall"


	14. The Visit

**A/N: I am so sorry for this long delay. I have reasons and excuses but I don't feel like sharing them at the moment. I have promised this in the past and I will do so again, I will finish this story. It only has one chapter left after this if all goes according to plan. If anyone is still reading this, thanks for sticking around :)**

It was just past noon when Olivia had finally made it to Fin's apartment. She wouldn't lie and say that she didn't take the scenic route, in fact, she had driven past her oldest friend's building almost half a dozen times, or more, before she had finally parked the car and made her way inside. She may not have stalled so long if she didn't send Carisi to stay with Amanda and the kids for a while. Olivia knew she would probably get an earful from the blonde when she did make it home, but it would be worth it for the peace of mind. Now she could focus fully on Fin.

A gentle knock was rasped against Fin's door. Olivia waited nearly thirty seconds before she knocked again, but this time with more force. "Fin, it's me, can you open the door" she spoke loudly from the hallway, hoping that Fin was indeed inside and not drowning his sorrows in alcohol at some dingy dive bar. The potent liquid had caused enough problems for one lifetime.

Olivia was just about to knock again when the dark door opened slightly. She could only make out half of the older man's face. "What are you doing here, Liv? You should be with Amanda" Fin said flatly. The fatigue and stress from the days before were evident on his face, it almost appeared as if he had aged five years overnight.

"Carisi is with her right now. I'm here for you, Fin" Olivia said calmly with a tight smile, one reflecting no joy in their current situation.

Fin opened the door even wider "so you decided to not wait for Monday after all? I get it. I'll come quietly" he finished as he stepped aside to let Olivia in the apartment.

"No, that's not what I meant" the brunette tried to clarify quickly. She wasn't there to arrest him or to make him feel worse. At that moment, Olivia knew that talking with Fin about what had happened was going to be much more difficult than she had first thought. "I am here to talk with you. To see how you are doing and if you need anything?"

"You really don't have to. I am not the one who was raped. Your attention should be on Amanda right now, I am fine" Fin said as he turned his back and walked further into his apartment.

Olivia instantly noticed how spotless the place was. In all her days working with Fin, she had never known him to be so clean. "Like I said, Amanda is with Carisi, she is alright for now. You, though, I am concerned about" she waved her hand around the room "since when did you turn into a neat freak, Fin, this place looks cleaner than my own apartment did when I had it professionally done" she knew this had to be some sort of coping mechanism for him, one that she had never seen before. At least, she reasoned, he wasn't drowning himself with liquor.

"I couldn't sleep" Fin answered nonchalantly with a slight shrug like it was the most normal thing in the world

"Most people don't clean their homes from top to bottom when they can't sleep, especially the Fin I know" Olivia commented back "why couldn't you sleep?" she knew the answer was obvious, but she wanted him to say it. If he could open up just a little, maybe they could begin to have a real conversation about what has happened, not this tense dance of words they were currently having.

"Because little green men kept knocking on my door" Fin bit back harshly, anger quickly showing on his face "why do you think Liv? Don't patronize me!" he walked over to his refrigerator and roughly pulled the door open. He pulled out a beer from the six pack within and looked at it. He wanted to drink so bad. He wanted Olivia to leave. He wanted so many things that he didn't think he had a right to want any more.

Olivia watched with great concern at Fin's actions. She was happy only seconds ago that Fin had not resorted to drinking, now she found herself to be the one to push him into it. "Here" his voice surprised her as he held the drink towards her "I don't want these, not anymore. You can take them or pour them down the sink. I don't care" he finished as he gave the rest of the six pack to Olivia "but please can you leave me alone"

Olivia took the offered beer, vowing to dump it down the sink later, and set it on the counter next to her. She took a deep breath before speaking "I know you're going through a tough time right now, Fin, but you're not alone in this"

"Can't you see that I want to be alone, though" Fin responded as he faced her with tears in his eyes. Olivia couldn't remember a time when Fin had cried in front of her, and it appeared that the elder man was doing everything in his power to prevent such a thing from happening. "I don't deserve your support, I don't want your pity. I just want for things to be over. I hate this in-between stage. Bring the hammer down right now, put me out of my misery"

Olivia understood where Fin was coming from. She knew the sentiment of wanting things to be over so well from her own ordeal of a trial with Lewis. One thing that she learned, however, was that there really was no end. The feeling of being stuck in the middle doesn't go away so easily, even after you find the resolution you thought you had been waiting for. Certain things stick with you, always in the back of your mind, in your worst moments and even in your best. It was something that she had learned to live with, that Amanda had learned to live with, and now Fin would have to come to terms with.

"You know it's not that simple, Fin," Olivia said softly "there's no easy way out of this. Even if you were to go to jail, it wouldn't take away what you feel now; or, if you were to get off scot-free, you would still have to live with this. It's not going to be easy, Fin, none of this will, but you'll be alright one day. You'll wake up and find that you can live with yourself, with what happened"

"I can't, Liv, I won't ever be fine. Every time I close my eyes I see her face. Every time there is silence I hear her crying, sobbing, begging me to let her go. I can't be fine, not after what I did. I hurt her!" he sank down to the floor in front of the fridge, his hand covering his face in a poor attempt to hide the tears that had finally fallen from his eyes.

Olivia's heart broke as her oldest friend began to fall to pieces right before her. Quickly she came to his side and knelt down next to him "Fin" she said softly as she reached out to his arm and gently began to rub it. He was too stiff and heavy to place in a hug, so she tried to communicate her comfort this way. "It's alright, it's all going to be alright" she shushed in a low voice in an attempt to help him get all of his pain out

"It's not alright. It's never going to be alright. I deserve to be the one hurting, not her, I wish I could take it all back. I would give up anything to make things right. I would make a deal with the devil himself, but that stuff doesn't happen. What's done is done, and I'm going to be punished for it" he said as he pulled his hand from his face and looked at his longtime friend with red-rimmed eyes, a strange sense of calm suddenly overtaking him.

"If Amanda had her way, you would not be punished" Olivia commented as she moved from her kneeling position and sat back against the counter, sitting in the same position that Fin was. Fin gave her a confused expression. "She's worried about you Fin, that's why she tried to hide this all from us. She didn't want you to get into trouble, to hate yourself. She was willing to suffer alone just to protect you" she explained with a tired expression. The weight of the last few days was also starting to take its toll on her as well.

Fin didn't respond to what Olivia had said. He didn't know how to. He knew Amanda was strong, he always did, but he also didn't understand how she could be so strong in what she was facing at that moment. "I don't need her protection" he whispered out after several long seconds "I don't want it, I want this case to be treated like any other, you hear. Don't let her make you sweep this under the rug" he asked earnestly

"You know that I would never let that happen" Olivia responded, not sure if she believed her own words. Last night she had found herself thinking of all the possibilities. She thought about letting IAB take control of the investigation and press charges. She knew that Amanda would not agree with this, however, and without her corporation IAB most likely wouldn't be able to indict Fin. Olivia also thought about the possibility of transferring Fin out of her unit, swearing Carisi to silence, but she knew that was not on option. Carisi nor Fin would never have gone with that option. Finally, she thought of simply asking Fin to put in his papers. He could collect his pension and leave with a good record with the NYPD. His name nor Amanda's would be dragged through the mess that would ultimately come from IAB's involvement. Olivia believed this last option to be the best. It would save her unit's reputation and keep from complicating any cases that Fin had worked on, however, she would be compromising her own moral code. She would be purposely burring a case. She had made a promise long ago to pursue any rapist, no matter who they were. No one deserved special treatment when it came to this crime.

"You have a big heart, Liv, I know you do, just like Amanda does. I never wanted to be in this position, never thought I would be. I don't want you to compromise your integrity because of some sense of loyalty, I did this. Let me take care of it" Fin said calmly as he reached out to Olivia. He knew Olivia better than any other person. He knew that she would feel conflicted about this case, but he needed to let her know that she didn't need to feel that way.

Olivia nodded solemnly. There seemed to be no helping things. Fin was determined to take whatever was coming at him. Even in his broken state, after everything he had done, she still respected the man profoundly. "I really am here for you, Fin, I'm not saying that out of pity or some false sense of loyalty. I care about you"

"I love you, baby girl," Fin said with a small smile as he began to get up from his spot on the floor and Olivia did the same "just know that whatever happens, that is the truth" he finished as he pulled his oldest friend into a strong hug

Olivia knew that Fin was not one for hugging, so for him to initiate one was surprising, but comforting. "I love you too, Fin, and nothing you do is going to change that" she smiled at him as they pulled away from each other

"So, I'm stuck with you till the end?" he questioned light heartedly

"Yeah" Olivia nodded with her own small teary smile

"I really appreciate you coming to check on me, all things considered, even if I did tell you to leave me alone," Fin said honestly

"You could tell me to go to hell and I would still be here for you" Olivia answered back as she grabbed the six-pack Fin and charged her with, she was already away for a while and she didn't want to leave Carisi with Amanda and the kids for too long.

She said her goodbyes and was about to be out the door when Fin called after her "Liv?" she turned to see Fin standing in his perfectly clean hallway "I know I don't have the right to talk to her… but can you tell Amanda that… I'm sorry… I never meant to hurt her"

Olivia gently nodded her head before turning around and leaving the apartment. Once his oldest friend was gone, Fin, instantly felt the temperature of the room drop several degrees. The slight comfort Olivia had provided was gone and he was once again left in his agony of despair and self-repudiation. Olivia's visit had him second-guessing his earlier plan for a moment, his plan to make everything right, but now, with her gone again and taking the last vestiges of light with her, he began to crave the peace his decision would bring.

Fin pick up his phone and turned the camera on. He had a message for Amanda, one that he couldn't give to Olivia, one that he couldn't give to her in person, not then not ever. He only regretted that he couldn't tell her goodbye in person before he took the final steps he needed to run away from his problems forever.

 **A/N: It's not easy to get back into the swing of things after being away for a while, hehe :) regardless, I hope you guys liked this chapter and that it flowed right. Next chapter will be the conclusion and it will have some trigger warnings. Thanks for reading :)**


	15. Family & Support

**A/N: Yes, I know I have been away for a long time with this story and with writing fanfiction in general even though I still have many ideas for stories. Let's just say that for some reasons I lost my confidence with writing, but I did promise to finish this story and I do not plan on breaking it :) so if anyone is still reading this I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Trigger Warning: this chapter will contain thoughts about suicide**

Fin laid his phone on the table after he had finished sending an email to Amanda that contained his video message. He knew he was told not to contact her through any means, however, he also wanted to tell her directly why he made the decision he did. If only he was more versed in technology, he would have made some sort of a time delay so she would have received his message the next day. At this point, he only wished that she would not check her phone until he was released from his suffering.

In all his life, Fin would have never expected for things to come to this. Granted, he did not think he would be one of those who lived until they reached a ripe old age, but to end things by his own hand was the last thing he planned. He never understood the idea of ending it all like that, he was a fighter. He wanted to fight. Fight for justice, fight for the people he cared about, fight for himself. Suicide always seemed like running from the battle, it wasn't supposed to be his thing. Now, however, he found himself in a position that he could not fight himself out of. How could he fight against this? How could he fight against violating his partner?

Fin let out a sigh as he surveyed the room around him. It truly was spotless. He wanted to leave his apartment clean to make it easier for his son to go through his belongings. He had long since made a will dictating that everything he owned went to Ken. Even a few several thousand he had in a saving account if he should meet an untimely end. He knew he was a poor excuse for a father throughout most of Ken's childhood, but that did not equate to a lake of care.

It had crossed his mind to do the easy, for sure, method. To end things in the same fashion far too many cops had done before him; to eat his own gun. Quickly, he shook his head and decided against it. He had seen too many deaths on the job by gunshots and it was never clean. The last thing he wanted to do was make more work for some poor soul to clean up, or more importantly, leave such a gruesome scene for his son to find.

Since he had never considered this question before, he did not know which way to go about things. As he pondered this strange concept his gaze wandered out the window. It was two hours until sundown and he could see the sun ebbing its way west. A sudden memory came flooding back to him. A tradition of sorts he shared with his son, something he would do as often as he could during Ken's childhood when the job permitted, which wasn't often. He and Ken would travel across the Brooklyn bridge and watch the sunset. The city, the water, and the sky made such a combination at dusk that made him truly glad to live in New York.

Suddenly, Fin found himself having a great longing for that time, he realized what he needed to do and luckily for him, it would allow him to see the view he had once so cherished one last time. Findings a sense of direction, Fin quickly pulled out a pen and wrote down somethings he wanted Ken to know. That he loved his son, that everything was going to be okay, that his last moments would be spent in a place that was special for them; but most importantly, he said goodbye.

* * *

Unlike her journey to Fin's apartment, Olivia wasted no time in returning to her own home. She was tired and emotionally drained from her conversation with Fin. Even though he had seemed as good as one could expect from a man in his position to appear, she couldn't shake the terrible feeling she had. Part of her wanted to stay with Fin, Amanda had so much support in this struggle, but at this time he had no one. The other part of her, however, knew that she wouldn't be welcome to stay. Everything in Fin's body language and words screamed that he wanted to be alone to process things.

When Olivia had finally reached her door, she savored the moments before pushing it open. She knew there was going to be a full house. The kids, Amanda, and Carisi all residing within. She had to be the calm one, the strong one, in these difficult times. She needed Amanda to not feel like a burden and she needed Carisi to feel like he could look to her for guidance as well. She needed to be compassionate for Amanda and yet considerate for Fin. She needed to juggle so many roles and not appear overwhelmed.

The chaotic and messy welcome she expected to return to, however, was not there. Instead, when Olivia opened the door she found a clean, well as clean as one could expect with two young children and a dog, and more surprisingly quiet apartment. As she walked furthered in, she could hear the low volume of a baseball game coming from the living room. Eventually, as she turned the corner, she found Jesse, Noah, Carisi, and Amanda all on her couch, everyone but that latter sleeping soundly.

Amanda's head turned swiftly as Olivia's presence became known. She quickly muted the Atlanta Braves game and followed Olivia as she entered the kitchen. "Your babysitter fell asleep on the job," Amanda said with slight sarcasm as she nodded her head to where Carisi was laying "maybe, you should dock his pay".

Olivia had a feeling this would happen. She left that morning with the intent of leaving Amanda alone with the kids, but then had the sudden thought of sending Carisi over to keep an eye. She knew she should have told Amanda, but at the time she was only thinking about the best course of action for both the young blonde and her oldest friend. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was sending him over…" she began before being interrupted by Amanda

"No, Liv, you don't need to apologize," she said with an honest tone "I know you only wanted the kids and me to be safe" she knew most of the elder woman's concerns were for her. "I actually enjoyed my time with Carisi and the kids" she gave a small chuckle "the two munchkins ran the poor man ragged, chasing him, climbing on him, making him swing them around" she counted off as she recalled their eventful day in the park. "I actually had the easy job of playing fetch with Franny, although, it didn't take long for Carisi and the kids to take that over as well. We only returned not more than twenty minutes ago and all of them were asleep within the first five." she smiled. She truly did enjoy the distraction.

"Well I am glad that you were able to have a good time today" Olivia responded happily surprised by the younger woman's recount of her day. Perhaps she didn't need to worried about being steadfast if Amanda and Carisi were able to carry on so well.

In a blink of an eye, Amanda's mood went from light-hearted to somber. "How did things go with Fin?" she asked not wanting to mince her words. Even if she wanted too, which she did not, she could never say that she wasn't concerned about her partner.

Olivia sighed and tightened her lips slightly before she spoke "to be honest it wasn't an easy conversation, he didn't look good and it was obvious that his guilt was eating him up" she explained as she leaned back against her kitchen counter "he doesn't want this to simply go away. He wants IAB to be informed"

Amanda didn't like this answer. "What the hell is wrong with him" she fumed "why does he want IAB to get involved? I get him feeling guilty and remorseful, but he doesn't have to be criminally investigated. Why does he want to make things worse than what they already are?" she said in a hushed but frustrated tone, not wanting to wake the others up.

"He's a good man, Amanda, with a strong moral code, even if he doesn't like to show it" Olivia explained "He and you are much more similar than you think. Like you, he is harder on himself than what is healthy, he would shoulder all the guilt and pain if he could so you wouldn't feel it" she paused to take a breath before continuing, knowing that Amanda would not agree with her next few words "Amanda, I think getting IAB involved may be the best course of action both as his friend and as an officer of the law. I don't think he would be able to handle everything if we swept it under the rug like you seem to want"

Amanda looked down as her Lieutenant finished. She seemed to be gathering her own composure "but I…" she began but faltered as she looked up with tears brimming in her eyes "I don't want it to be investigated because I don't want anyone to know" Amanda revealed carefully. She does care about Fin and his wellbeing, however, there had been a much more selfish reason behind her desire for this not to be looked into. "I don't want 1PP knowing I was… raped, I don't want my name on a file like this. I don't want any random person being able to look up court transcripts of my testimony. To learn of every horrid detail if they want to press charges. Why does the world have to know? Why doesn't it seem to matter what I want?"

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia began "of course what you want matters". She didn't know this was the reason why the younger woman was so against making a report of any kind about the incident. She felt so stupid. She should have remembered her own hatred about her coworkers knowing every detail of her own ordeal with Lewis. They were in such a rush to help Amanda and bring to justice the man who had hurt her that Olivia never once questioned if there was another secret motive for keeping things to herself. "I should have realized. I should have…" she trailed off trying to gather her thoughts before continuing again "I'll fight for you Amanda, I'll let IAB know that you don't want charges filed, but my hands are tied about whether or not IAB will get informed. I am sorry"

She knows this is not what Amanda wanted to hear, and she could visible confirm that fact by the way the younger woman was biting her lip and folding her arms in front of herself in a protective fashion.

"I know what it's like to have everything done like you just described, and you're justified in not wanting that" Olivia continued when she realized they younger woman wasn't going to respond "but Amanda, those issues, those detail, only have power over you if you allow them to. If you let them integrate into you by holding it all so close to your chest, it's going to eat you alive. I fear that those old self-destructive habits may rear their ugly heads if you keep trying to avoid this"

Amanda let her head drop in shame. She couldn't deny that the thoughts of drinking and gambling assaulted her every time there were no other distractions to be found. She wanted to tell Olivia it wouldn't happen again, not with Jesse, but she held her tongue because she knew her record worked against her.

Olivia stepped away from the countertop and towards the younger woman. She could tell that what she had said bothered Amanda. It wasn't her intention to make her feel worse "remember, Amanda, you don't have to carry the whole world on your shoulders, you don't need to worry about what other people know. Just focus on you and Jesse. Like I told you before you're not alone in this. You truly aren't, especially with that precious little girl who loves you"

Amanda raised her head and looked towards the couch she knew her baby girl to be sleeping on and gave a slight smile. "I am not going to lie" she began as she returned her gaze to Olivia "I still hurt, this still bothers me. I don't think I will ever forget what happened, and to be honest I don't know if I can forgive Fin for this, even if I don't want to see him go to jail"

Olivia nodded at the younger woman's words

"But," Amanda continued "this is different than when I was assaulted by Patton in so many ways. It hurts more, physically and emotionally, because I love Fin, I trusted him" Olivia noticed that Amanda implied she still loved Fin, even if she had lost her trust in him. "It also hurts less in some ways. I had no support in Atlanta, I didn't really even have a family there, but now I feel like I have a family" she smiled at Olivia "I have Jesse, I have Carisi, and I have you and Noah. Even if I wasn't the most welcoming of this support, you have no idea what it means to me that y'all are here. I feel…" Amanda's cheeks flushed "loved"

Olivia's heart swelled at the younger woman's words, she felt honored. Olivia had long ago learned the same lesson, her team was her family, and to know that she wasn't the only one who felt this way was nearly overwhelming. The elder woman, without thinking, leaned in and gave Amanda a tight hug. She noticed, at first, the shocked body language of the blonde and had feared that she may have overstepped, but relaxed once she felt Amanda melt back into the hug.

Olivia pulled back with a smile "you know one of the biggest benefits of this family?" she asked but only received a look of confusion from Amanda "one of us knows how to cook, and is actually very good at it"

They both laughed as they looked at Carisi's head which was hanging over the side of the couch.

"Want me to wake him up and have him cook us some dinner?" Olivia asked lightly, knowing that Carisi would not hesitate to do so if asked, especially for his 'family'

Before Amanda could even respond, however, Olivia's cell phone began to ring. Quickly, the elder woman looked at the screen and saw it was Ken calling her. The terrible feeling Olivia had after leaving Fin's apartment came crashing back to her.

 **A/N: So, I did say before that this would be the last chapter, but things never really go as planned :) At least this way I can focus more on the fallout for next chapter.**


	16. Fight

**Trigger Warning: this chapter will contain issues around suicide. If this could injure you in some form please do not read this or, if you must, tread very carefully at your own discretion.**

Olivia answered the phone, and before she could even say anything, Ken's loud and distraught voice was yelling at her at an incoherent pace. "Ken" Olivia yelled back to get the younger man's attention "Ken, I can't understand you. You need to slow down and talk more quietly" she tried in a manner that she hoped would not cause Fin's son to panic further. Olivia could feel her adrenaline rushing the moment she heard Ken's voice. Her body was in a fight or flight mode, but she needed to maintain control.

"My dad, it's my dad," Ken said still sounding frantic but now much more understandable. He was speaking so loudly that Amanda had no problem hearing as well.

"Fin?" Olivia questioned back, sharing a concerned look with Amanda "what's wrong with Fin? Ken, what happened with Fin?" dread was blooming within Olivia's stomach. She was cursing at herself for leaving him alone.

"I went to his apartment to have an early dinner with him like we had planned last week. I was going to tell him that Alejandro and I are having a baby, that he was going to be a grandpa; but, instead, I found his apartment empty and this note waiting for me" He explained and Olivia could hear the sounds of a paper being crumpled and uncrumpled over the phone. "He's saying goodbye, he told me things he had never said before, talked about money for me…" he trailed off and Olivia could tell that the younger man was choking back tears "I don't think he's coming back" and then the damn broke and both women could hear the sobs over the phone.

"Oh my god" Amanda said in shock as she instinctively pulled out her phone to call Fin. She noticed an email notification and was about to sideswipe it until she recognized it was from her partner. She quickly opened the email and found a video attachment waiting for her. Without hesitation, she clicked it and the message from the elder man began to play. "Liv?" Amanda's shaky voice called to get the elder woman's attention.

Fin's face appeared on the screen, it was evident that he had filmed this video in his apartment. "Hey, Manda," he began awkwardly "I know they told me not to contact you for any reason, but I just wanted to let you hear this from my voice" he rubbed the back of his head and looked down with a sigh "I hurt you baby girl. I… hurt you in a fashion that I thought I was incapable of, but I did it, and I have no excuse. I need you to know that I am so sorry for what I did, and I know that I have caused you pain that will not go away easily" he looks back up at the camera "there is nothing I can say or do that will make this right. I don't expect you to forgive me, I will not even ask for you to do that. I just want you to not blame yourself for anything"

Amanda's heart dropped as she heard Fin speak, she had never seen him look so weak and broken. It was as if he was a whole different person "Liv told me that you don't want charges to be filed, that you didn't want me punished for this, but you're wrong. I need to be punished. I just… I can't do this" Fin bites his lip as tears began to fall from his red-rimmed eyes "I can't put you through the pain of the punishment of which I more than deserve, I don't think I can live through that, so…." he took a deep breath "I'm going to end things my way. I lived a great life, and the years you were my partner were among the very best. I do not regret one moment of that, I only regret that I ruined it." He wiped the tears from his face "if at all possible, can you not tell Ken why I did this exactly. I was never the best role model for him, but I don't think he should know that his old man is a bum and a rapist" Fin gave a humorless chuckle "I love you, Amanda, and again I'm sorry" and with that, the screen went blank.

Amanda stood in silent shock as the video played out. When it had ended she didn't know what to do. The message was less than a minute long but it felt like an eternity, time seemed to have stopped. "Ken, you have to tell me what the note says, is there any clue at all to where your dad has gone" Olivia's commanding voice broke through Amanda's daze.

"I… I don't" Ken's voice stammered over the phone. It was clear that he was still in panic mode.

"Ken, it's alright. Just take a breath and focus" Olivia's voice sounded calm, but her face looked anything but.

Ken's deep inhale could be heard on the other end of the call "the note mentioned something about spending his last moments in a place that was special to both of us" he explained

"Alright, that's good" Olivia reassured him, although that information was also terrifying, he really was going through with this. "Do you know what place he's talking about" she prayed he said yes

"Um… we were never that close" he thought about all the possibilities as he rubbed his hands through his short hair aggressively "I got it" he exclaimed "the Brooklyn Bridge, when he had time, when I was young, he would take me to the bridge at sunset and we would watch the sun go down together. Those are some of my best memories of him"

Amanda looked at her watch, it had been about an hour since the email was sent to her, and they had another hour until sunset. Amanda sent a silent prayer to some greater power that Fin planned to wait until after sunset to take action. "Liv, we have an hour until sunset, if we use the sirens we can be there in thirty minutes" she explained rapidly as she gathered her shoes and jacket. They would be cutting it close, but it was the only option they had.

"I'll meet you guys over there" Ken's voice was heard over the phone before the younger man hung up.

Olivia headed toward the door but turned around to stop Amanda "you should stay here with the kids" she said in a rushed tone, not wanting to debate this

"The hell I am, he's my partner," Amanda said as she moved to go around her boss

"Yeah, and he's trying to kill himself over the fact that he raped you, Amanda, you should stay here with the kids" Olivia repeated coldly. They didn't have time for this discussion.

"I might be the only person who could talk to him" she was yelling now, and she could hear Jesse start crying. They had woken the children up. Amanda let out a frustrated groan. She loves her daughter but she didn't need this. She needed to get to her partner before he did something he wouldn't live to regret. Her partner may have been standing on the ledge at that very moment.

"I have the kids" Carisi's voice called as he came to stand in front of the couch. Their conversation had woken him up just as Olivia received the phone call. He had heard everything. "I'll watch them, both of you go" Carisi added in a voice that was far surer than either woman felt.

With no more time to argue, Amanda went around Olivia and ran out the door. The elder woman had no choice but to follow her.

* * *

Amanda had always been an aggressive driver but never had she driven so fast and so reckless as she did at that moment. It was a miracle that they made it to the bridge at all and an even bigger miracle that no traffic accidents occurred in her wake.

Since this was the Brooklyn bridge and the pedestrian walkways were in the center, elevated and away from the edges of the bridge, Amanda gambled that Fin would be on the section where the cars were. Unfortunately, the first lane, the one closest to the edge of the bridge, was under construction and the whole lane was coned off. This made for a perfect access point for a desperate man's death march. Fin could easily walk there and not be bothered by the passing cars.

As they made their way across the bridge, still not finding any trace of Fin, two terrible thoughts were running through Amanda's mind. They had chosen the wrong path to take, and for some reason, Fin was on the pedestrian walkway; or, even worse, they were already too late.

"There he is" Olivia yelled as she pointed her finger straight ahead. Instantly, it was easy to see the dark-skinned detective sitting on the Iron beam of the bridge, his legs dangling off the edge as he waited for sunset to come.

"I see 'em" Amanda responded as she slowed the car down and pulled into the unused lane. She jumped out of the car, not even waiting for Olivia to keep up. "Fin!" she called as she began to approach the elder man carefully. The last thing she wanted to do was startle him and cause him to lose his balance and fall into the unforgiving waters below.

The dark-skinned man didn't seem fazed in the least as Olivia's voice joined Amanda's. He was so lost in his thoughts and in the view that the whole world ceased to exist. "Fin, please listen to me. Don't do this" Amanda called again. This time her voice was heard over the buzz of the traffic passing them by, all of New York seemingly unconcerned about the events unfolding.

"Amanda? Olivia?" Fin answered confusedly "What are you…" he began but instantly put his hand up when he realized that they were coming close to him "stay back!" he commanded strongly as he scooted himself away from them.

Immediately, Amanda and Olivia stopped in their tracks. Amanda cast a concerned glance toward Olivia. "Fin, please. Let's just talk about this" Olivia beckoned as she and Amanda stayed rooted in place.

"There is no more need to talk, Liv, I've had enough. I just want to watch this last sunset in peace. Just leave me alone" Fin answered her as he turned his head back towards the receding sun.

"This doesn't have to be the last sunset, Fin," Amanda told him as she took one tentative step forward "there is always tomorrow's, hell, I'm pretty sure there will be sunsets for the next several million years"

"Those ones aren't for me, Manda, this one is mine. I get to choose this and no one else" he responded firmly "now, leave me alone"

"You know we can't do that" Olivia said as she took the same step Amanda had taken "Fin, you're going through a tough time. I understand you not feeling like there is anything left to live for; but, it gets better. I promise"

"You can't make that promise, Liv. You've never been here" he smiled wickedly as he gestured to his position on the bridge. His anger only masking his fear of what he faces on either side of the iron beam he sat upon.

"I have" Olivia yelled back. Revealing a secret that she had never shared with anyone but her therapist. "I have been where you are, I…" she bit her lip as she tried to gather the right words to say, avoiding her impulse to glance at Amanda knowing that the younger woman's attention was also on her. "After Lewis, I hit a very low place. I didn't think I would ever come back to work, to the world outside of my apartment, outside the torment of my own mind. I didn't see the point in it. The idea of escape felt wonderful, empowering even… for a second" she released a rough breath "but I was wrong, Fin, I knew I was wrong. I had to remember that there was a tomorrow. Somedays you have to fight to want it, to remember it. It was hard, finding a reason to not run away. I just took it one day at a time, one battle at a time. Slowly, I found myself no longer fighting to want tomorrow, I was fighting to protect it"

"I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired. I want to close my eyes and find peace" Fin answered her back "you're strong, Liv, stronger than most people who walk this planet. I don't think I can fight only to have to live with this stigma…" he waved his hand toward Amanda without looking at the young blonde " I can't take her hatred, my shame" he added pathetically

"I don't hate you, Fin" Amanda spoke up. The elder man had heard her, but did not turn his head to look at her "I'm… upset" she said not really knowing the words to describe how she felt without setting him off. "I think I deserve that" she lifted her shoulders slightly for an innocent shrug "but I still care for you, and I want you to be safe"

"I will be safe" he finally looked her way. For the first time since she had that break down in her own apartment, they had made direct eye contact "nothing can hurt you when your dead, it's absolute peace" he looked back over the water, the sun was beginning to set. His time was drawing to an end "turn away, Amanda, you shouldn't have to see this" he added, not wanting to damage the younger woman any more than he already had

"I shouldn't have to see this!" she repeated in an angry voice "you're damn right I shouldn't have to see this! You're so upset that you've hurt me, saying that it's that fact that has caused you to come here. Well, here's the truth. You're a fucking hypocrite because the pain that you're going to cause me if you jump is nothing compared to what has already happened."

An overwhelming sense of righteous indignation consumed her "if you do this, you will leave me no choice but to blame myself" her hands were shaking with the force of the emotions that were bombarding her at that moment. Anger, fear, sorrow. She did not even bother trying to stop the tears that were pouring down her face. "I'll continue to blame myself for that night, and then I'd blame myself for not stopping you here. I don't hate you now, but I will come to resent you in the future. This action alone" she looked at him sitting on the edge "will destroy me more than any other thing you could have ever done to me. It will tear out my heart. I will hate you, and for that, I would come to hate myself" she took in a shaky breath "and… I don't want to live with that either"

She looked over at the last few rays of sunshine peeking through the horizon "you say this is your sunset" she waved her hand at the vista "well, maybe it will be mine next week"

Her words hit Fin like a ton of bricks. He was crying unabashedly. "I don't want that" he yelled as he gripped the edges of the iron beam more tightly "I never wanted you to suffer, I don't want to hurt you further, but I don't think I can live with this. I don't know what to do" he sobbed

Before anyone had any time to respond to him, Ken pulled up with his car right behind Amanda's. He wasted no time in reaching the same place as the SVU officers. "Dad!" he yelled, fear evident in his voice "what are you doing? Please get down from there. Come back home with me" Ken begged

"Ken?" Fin sounded confused "Why are you here… how did you know?" He figured Amanda had found his video message and tracked him somehow to this spot, he had no idea why his son would also have found him so quickly.

"We were supposed to have dinner, remember dad?" Ken explained in a careful tone "I was going to tell you some very good news…" he trailed off and looked at Olivia to see if he should keep talking. The elder woman gave him a nod "Me and Alejandro, we're having a baby" he was smiling even through tears were starting to fall from his eyes "you're going to be a grandpa"

Fin was absolutely shocked. With everything that had happed the last few days, he had completely forgotten his dinner plans with Ken. Then, now this news. He never expected such a thing. "I'm gonna be a grandfather?" he repeated in disbelief

"Yeah, you are" Ken answered him. He took out a folded photograph, an ultrasound, and slowly inched his way closer to his father until, with an outstretched arm, he was able to give Fin the picture. Carefully, the elder man examined the piece of paper as if the thing was going to turn to dust if moved to fast.

"How?" Fin found himself asking

"We found a surrogate. We fertilized some eggs and had the procedure done" Ken explained "I'm going to be a father, dad, and I really wanted you to be a part of it" he added honestly, hoping beyond all reason that his father would not leave them behind.

"Fin, I know the future is unknown and is terrifying to think about" Amanda cut in as she came as close to Fin as Ken currently was "I don't know what's going to happen to you… to me" she waited to continue until Fin and she had made direct eye contact again "but don't you at least want to see where thing could go? To see your grandchild grow?" she asked him honestly, and she could see Fin considering her words. "Fin, you need to fight for your family right now, but more importantly, you need to fight for yourself"

Fin looked out over the horizon one last time, the darker sky showing no traces of the sunset left. Without saying a word, the elder man stood up on the iron beam. He casually looked down below him. At that moment, all three of them feared that Fin was going to jump, and then he did.

"Fin" Amanda rushed to her partner as he landed back on the bridge. She watched his legs not able to support his own weight and leaped forward to ease him to the ground. Fin's face ended up on Amanda's stomach as she cradled the elder man on her lap. Without noticing it herself, Olivia and Ken were instantly by their side.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Fin kept repeating as Amanda shushed him and began to rub his back. Her heart was still pumping with adrenaline, but the relief she felt at that moment was all-encompassing.

"I know" Amanda answered his pleas as she continued to comfort him. She knew Fin was nowhere near out of the woods yet, and neither was she for that matter, but at least for the moment, they were both away from the edge.

"I'm going to fight this, Amanda" Fin whispered, his face still buried in the younger woman's stomach "I'm going to fight this for my family, for you, and for me"

Amanda nodded her head as she looked up to meet Olivia's gaze "so am I"

 **A/N: Finally done with this story :) only two months shy of a year to complete it though hehe. I kept telling myself that I couldn't stop writing until I finished the obligations and promises I had already committed myself too; but, now that it's done, I'm not sure if I want to give it up like I had planned. I do have one more Rollivia story for Mismatched. After that, I guess we'll see. Thanks for reading this story, I hope you enjoyed it :)**


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